The Stupid Dumb Truth About Why I'm STILL Fundraising

I really want to start every blog post off with "Here's the thing..." but we will get to that in a minute.

Firstly, thank you for all of your words of caution, support, love, and weirdness. It is always nice to be heard - even if you were just venting and weren't quite expecting to cause such a raucous... 

Now, here's the thing.

I do not wish that I hadn't posted my last blog, nor would I change one word (not even the swearing). Because it was my honest, heartfelt cry of that moment. And let me tell you - the week only got worse from there. Our two year old is pushing boundaries, as they tend to do, and getting his two year old molars. Marko was laid off and I discovered more things that have fallen behind due to my computer crash at work. It was a week.

There were a fair amount of people who gave me insightful advice about reconsidering our pathway - but there were also a number of people who were like "Then why are you doing it?" or "It sounds like you didn't actually think about your life choices.

I don't know how to respond.

Why am I doing this? Because I feel called to it. No, that might not make sense, but if I gave up on everything in life that was difficult - what kind of life would that be?! I would definitely not have my two year old. I would definitely not be pregnant again. I would definitely not be married. I would definitely not have deep friendships. I would definitely not work at my job - or any job for that matter. I would definitely be a depressed, shallow, human being incapable of change.

Hard things are typically the things that shape you into a better human being than you were before. They grow you, transform and empower you. Trials create perseverance.

But knowing doesn't necessarily make it easier in the moment.

And sometimes we get to vent.
Publicly.
On the interwebs.

As to whether or not I think about my life choices. I think about them a lot. I pray about them constantly. In the month of October, I prayed and considered my life choices constantly. I don't necessarily feel the need to constantly update people about that.

A time when I didn't consider my life choices was when I was a high-functioning member of society my senior year of high school. I was severely depressed, on all kinds of substances, and no one knew. Because I didn't talk about it. I was the lead in the Spring Musical. I was on Leadership. I was the Prom Queen. I was told just the other day what a "treasure" I was in High School... I was confused.

Guys. Don't judge people by what you see. Or even what they vent on Facebook or Blogger. Instead, have deep conversations as you walk in relationship with them. Even if you don't understand what they are doing through. This is important. Because while I was just venting - sometimes there is a deeper need for conversation. Don't dismiss it and don't try to judge people in that one window you see them through.

We are still fundraising.

We are still fundraising because it is the path that we have chosen, it is still what we feel called to, and through this season in the desert - we will be transformed and learn.

The Stupid Dumb Truth About Fundraising

I haven't written.

And I don't just mean published - I haven't even written anything.

I just can't.

I have been all consumed by the support raising process. Fundraising. Development. "Friendraising." You can call it whatever you want, it remains the same. And I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. I don't even know what I am anymore.

Exhausted is what my toddler makes me when he wants to have a dance party for 30 minutes straight (dance parties with Rory involve a lot of running, jumping, and dipping low). Beyond exhausted is where I am living with fundraising. Enervated maybe? No, I think I have hit a stage beyond what the English language allows me.

71 Churches Contacted

20 Covenant Camps Contacted

6 Church Invites

2 Supporting Churches

30 Individual Supporters

I can't even tell you how utterly depressed this makes me. I have emailed every church within our conference and then some that aren't. I have tried to make it clear what we are going to do, even though I am unclear of it myself. I have read every book and just addressed 60 envelopes to people I don't really know, but knew me as a kid. I read blogs and advice, try to think of "creative fundraising methods," whatever that means. Emailing, reading, re-emailing, googling, calling, writing, addressing, labeling, stamping - I do this shit for hours upon hours.

And then?

I cry. I feel like this maybe isn't what I am supposed to be doing. I feel like maybe I am absolutely out of my mind. I feel like if this had been the right path, it would have happened for us already. I feel like a failure, like I'm not doing something right. And I literally don't know what else to do.

But here's the stupid part - the extra stupid part, anyway - I also don't feel like I'm allowed to let it go. Oh yah, you read me right. As soon as I sit down and cry and vent and think, "Maybe this is the end of this dream," I just a swift kick in the spine (literally) that reminds me that I don't get to quit. It's not that time, at least, not yet anyway.

I still believe in what we are going to do. Sure, I feel called by God to it, but you don't have to believe in God to understand it.

We are going to Oaxaca to learn about the people and the culture and walk with them as we try to figure out a way to eradicate poverty through education and sustainability; what that entails and how we can make it happen together.

It's not that complicated. Yet it seems damn near impossible to get anyone on board with that dream. And I don't know what else to do. I just don't. Every time I ask for advice, I feel everyone very genuinely telling me to do all of the things I have already done - sometimes out of the goodness of their hearts and sometimes out of other places...

There really is no point to any of this except to say: I haven't written. And I don't know that I will for awhile. I just don't have it in me. But I love you all and hope to be back to you soon.