Oaxaca

Vagabonding now is different.

Much, much different.

Oaxaca is beautiful. The colonial feel of the cobblestone mixed with the brightly colored buildings and edgy street art on every other corner is something so very different. Our neighborhood is old, but seeing a revival of sorts. We have a lavanderia, a tortilleria, and, claro, a barbershop bar called Barberia Krampus. You read that correctly - a barbershop where he does haircuts and close shaves and you can have a cold beer. There are coffee shops, a wood-fire pizza restaurant, an organic grocery and cafe, and more. Our apartment is nice, furnished, and the perfect mixture of small enough that we can always see our mischief-making son but still have separate rooms. We are trying to live in this small corner of the world.

"And there are a new kind of nomads, not the people who are at home everywhere, but who are at home nowhere. I was one them." Robyn Davidson

Everything is an adjustment. We are acclimatizing, getting used to, transitioning. And it is so different this time around. This time I have to account for a husband, for a son, for a daughter. For nap times, for feeding, for snacks, for toys, for time outs, for bad behavior, for good behavior, for language school, for homework, for playtime, for sunscreen, for sunburn, for bug bites, for owies, for water, for bedtimes, for all of the things.

The weather is hot. The Spanish often goes over my head. The time zone change, the culture shift, the food differences, the apartment hunting, the street vendor browsing, the taxi driver conversations - these are all things that I know, that I love. But it is a different world when you have a family. If it were just Marko and I, there would have been changes, but they would have been minimal. But a family nomadic lifestyle is an entirely new world.

I am slower to absorb this culture shock than I have been to others.

It is hard to figure out how to best go about immersion when you have to tote around a little red headed girl who can't walk. It is hard to imagine browsing in a mercado when you have to worry about your two year old disappearing into the crowd. It is hard to keep track of snacks and of meal times and water bottles when it's not just your stomach that informs you of the need. It is hard to think about which papers and which toys you will need at the immigration office in order to best satisfy the government and your two year old. It is hard to wear your four month old daughter in 30 C heat.

It is much easier to prioritize in familiar place with familiar people and familiar things. But it is, for me, much less rewarding.

Yuriko, Cynthia, Juan, Delfino, Rosi, Jomas, Eduardo, Pedro, Rosa y Lola - this is the beginning of community. It takes time to build, it takes hard work. It is inconvenient, it is exhausting, it is frustrating. But it is worth it. And it is better to do with a family. They create opportunity, both to explore and to rest. They create a loving safe space to be yourself in. They provide moments of the utmost love, joy, frustration, anger, hope, laughter, strife, wonder. And I am so glad to be here with them.

I couldn't do it without them.

Evangelism

I have been a little spiritually and emotionally spent.

Maybe more than a little. Maybe a lot.

We were recently turned down by a local church for support. They feel as though we don't have a strong enough emphasis on evangelism. And because they have decided not to support us as a church, they don't feel it's appropriate for us to share with their congregation. I am a little discouraged by this. We are still in talks with several others churches, one we will visit this month, another in June, and we will be attending our conference's annual meeting in May. So it isn't as if the world is over - but I'm still feeling a little put out. The truth is, for more fundamentalist churches, we probably don't have a strong enough emphasis on classic evangelism.

I believe in holistic ministry. I believe that living out my convictions, loving people, caring for people - those are the ways I spread the gospel. I definitely believe in sharing my beliefs, but there is a time and a place and I am so not a door-to-door type of person. I am awkward. For the love of the land, I am awkward. It takes people a solid two or three tries to get me in a conversation where I am coherent! I do much better working alongside people, having conversations as they come, asking hard questions where they make sense, and keeping things light and sarcastic when life calls for it.

I will give you a for instance. For instance, I had a dear friend call me at 5:30am several weeks ago because she needed to go to Urgent Care. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes and then physically got on my knees and prayed for her situation. We ended up at Urgent Care several hours later when it opened (8:00am, thank the dear Lord) and I simply sat there and made bad jokes and sarcastic comments. I am nothing if not a killer comedian, especially within hospital walls. At 5:30am? My friend needed prayer and words of the Spirit, but in the hospital? She needed to be distracted.

Now, I'm not saying I am the best at reading all of these scenarios, I am definitely not. I am mostly saying that evangelism doesn't always have to look like asking people if they know Jesus. Sometimes it looks like being sarcastic in an Emergency room, other times it looks like lending a neighbor a drill or a cup of sugar, and sometimes it does look like asking someone if they know Jesus (tiny sweet baby or pierced and risen King).

Mark and I are less classical evangelism and more "love your neighbor as yourself." This does not necessarily mean that we are right and the church that told us "no" was unjust - I think there is a time and place for both. It just means we weren't a right fit for that church, which, if I am being honest? Isn't that surprising. Just disappointing.

It is also hard because what we will be doing in Oaxaca is hard to pin down. I can riddle off the ministries happening there in great detail - but what we will be doing specifically? It will depend on what people need. If people need support to outlying rural churches? That's what we'll do. If people need us to tag along with Semillas de Salud and the health ministry they do all over the region? That's what we'll do. If people need us to be volunteers with the youth group? That is what we will do. It's a little nonspecific, but hopefully very helpful to the people and missionaries in Oaxaca, as well as to us and our hopes to learn about being long-term missionaries.

So, that's that.

I don't feel like I am ending on a very upbeat note, but that's kind of where I am at right now. Somewhere in the middle of trying very hard to stay positive and wanting to hide in my closet until Summer. But it's nice outside today, so I will get back to it.

Cheers, guys, thanks for all the encouragement.

Loaded Questions

These questions appeared on my Facebook page today, from someone whom I absolutely adore. But they are loaded, so I wrote a blog about them.

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  "Can you tell me your secret? How do you not walk away from Christianity? How do you still go to church? Excuse my language but I am so fed up with this bull shit."

Where to begin...

Over the last several months I have been faced with quite a few experiences that have been... rough. Everything from a misinterpretation of something I said, a flat out contestation of my faith, and, of course, all of "us versus them" happening within the broader Christian faith right now. So why have I not abandoned my church, my religion, my faith? How do we maintain our walk? How do we stay unified as the body of Christ? How do we join hands with people so blatently different from us? People we maybe see as "wrong?"

I read an article yesterday about how "liberals" and "conservatives" will never be able to come to the table - and this article was just discussing "liberals" and "conservatives" within Christianity! Not to mention those with varying relgious beliefs within our communities, our nation, and our world.

But I whole heartedly disagree.

If we are unable to come to the table to discuss issues, it has nothing to do with whether we are liberal or conservative or any other label you can think up - it has to do with pride.

The truth of the matter is that I am furious with Evangelicals deciding to withdraw sponsorships from children in need based purely on who the company hires, the Good Samaritan was not a believer and yet he was the one who was able to do the right thing - but here's the deal: just I as I don't believe those withdrawing from World Vision should do so based on judgement of individuals as "sinners," I should not judge them. I should call them to action and encourage them to continue to support those children that they previously made promises to, not because of World Vision, but because God calls us to care for the least of these. And if they truly feel so led to no longer support World Vision? I would encourage them to seek out another organization.

I can think whatever I want about their decision, I can be frustrated with how this makes our LGBT community members feel, I can even express anger about how this is protraying our faith to the rest of the world - but I am not ultimately the one who anyone will answer to. I don't have the corner on the Cornerstone. I don't have a backstage pass to morals and ethics. I don't get to judge. Thank the Lord Almighty, that it not my job.

If we can't come to the table and discuss this and other issues, that makes us equally pharisaical. "Truth in love" can only come through relationship, so we need to stop using it as an excuse to say hurtful things. Both to our brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as our brothers and sisters in humanity.

When I was younger, I made a lot of poor decisions (let's be honest, I still make some poor decisions). These decisions created rumours that ran rampant throughout my childhood church and youthgroup which led to some very serious judgemental statements made about and to me. Because of that, I walked away from the church, which I thought meant I was walking away from God. But here is what I found: 1. God will always come after you, even when you can't see it and don't believe it. And 2. Love always trumphs judgement.

Sometimes (a lot of the time), the church misrepresents Christ. And that sucks. But God does not need us to fight the church to protect Him, because that sends more mixed messages than helps and because He is God - He can fight His own battles. What God needs us to do is to love and care for people as He has called us - including those we disagree with. I know, for me, it is so much easier to love and care for people who do not call themselves Christians - but that doesn't give me a free pass to walk away from what I believe. I don't get to just distance myself and say "I'm not with them!" I get to love them, or at least to try vigorously.

Loving people doesn't mean not having hard conversations, it doesn't mean total consensus, it doesn't mean finality - it just means love. That is our call. To love. To love God, to love each other, to love the world. There will always be disagreements, there will always be frustrations, there will always be misrepresentation - but there also always needs to be love so that we can come to the table and discuss these things. Not just as Christians, but as humans.

It's hard.

(but luckily there's grace)

Chaotic, Turbulent, Excited Christmas

And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them at the inn. Luke 2:6-7

We paint a really peaceful picture this time of year with our nativity scenes; the trustworthy donkey and sleepy cows, gentle lambs and their shepherds, three wisemen and their gifts. This is the time for peace on earth, goodwill toward men, snow on pine trees and stockings over the fire. It doesn't matter that our blonde Mary and peaceful barn animals are unrealistic OR that the idea that there were only three magi and the idea that they were even there is just historically inaccurate OR that literally one half of the world is experiencing Summer rather than snow on December 25th, which is a solid 2 months later than Jesus could possibly have been born - because in our minds it's all so peaceful, serene.

Today on the radio I heard someone say, "I just picture Mary, so peaceful, grateful to have a place to put her baby." Now, perhaps Mary and I are different creatures entirely, but I cannot imagine this version of her. I cannot see her as peacefully allowing strangers to come gawk at her child right after she has been in labor for God knows how long. I cannot envision her being grateful that her sweet baby boy, the son of God, has to be put into a feeding trough.

What I do picture is a young woman of strength, who endured the terrible trek to Bethlehem at 9 months pregnant on the back of a donkey. I imagine her endurance when she and Joseph were turned away from the inn. I see her resolve looking at the stable like "This is doable, it will be okay, we will just tidy it up a bit, no problem, look at all this hay to make beds with! It will be fine." I see her bravery as she realized that she was going into labor in a barn.

If you haven't had the pleasure of experiencing labor pains, let me paint you a picture: it hurts. It hurts an impossible amount. And I mean impossible. Your whole body is in pain and you can't seem to remember what your body felt like without that pain. You are exhausted physically and mentally, everything about the process tells you that you cannot do it. You cannot make it through this - the epidural wasn't invented for the hell of it.

And you certainly cannot make it through this in barn. You cannot make it surrounded by animals who are probably less than calm with everything that is going on. You cannot make it when you need to make sure the hay you are laying on doesn't have animal feces because that might lead to an infection and at this point in history? An infection means death. There is no water to boil, no sterile instruments, no helpful nurse or doctor or midwife who has been through this before and can tell you what is next or what to expect. It is just you and your husband and the cast of Old MacDonald.

Do I think that just because Jesus is the son of God he somehow magically just popped out, no effort? No. That is ridiculous. He came into this world like all babies come into this world and it is not exactly "peaceful."

But it is worth it. Because suddenly the pain is gone, suddenly you are no longer worried about how you will make it through because you already did. And you are holding the fruit of your labor and he is perfect. His cry is not one of an angry 2 year old that can't have his way, but a muffled noise that is so precious. And this is the moment you can't imagine why it seemed so impossible only moments before.

I picture Mary looking at her perfect son, holding him against her chest and looking around at the scene and laughing. Because I would laugh. I would laugh at the stressed animals and messy hay. I would laugh at my husband's exhaustion from watching me be exhausted, his nervousness about being a father and plain talent for it. I would laugh at our lack and our obvious prosperity. I would laugh. There would not be a peaceful moment of quiet, but laughter amongst the neighs and snorts. There would be joy in that chaotic, turbulent, excited moment.

Because, what else could there possibly be?

But What Are You For?

There are about one million versions of this quote.

But I'm not too cool to admit I've always liked it.

I have mixed feelings about "Christian music." Partly because a lot of it sounds the same and it can be boring. Partly because something about God being a great artist and us being made in his image so music is all technically "worship music" - that is kind of a lengthy conversation in itself. But I have had a flat out downhearted attitude lately and have been in need of some worship - even if some (most) of it is boring. And just when I thought to myself, "this is not helping," I head this one on the radio and - well...

Don't just roll your eyes at me, sometimes punk rocker Malia has a weak moment of Casting Crowns adoration. This is one of those times. And I am not sorry.

"We cut people down in your name, when the sword was never ours to swing."

Ouch. It makes me think of Peter. You know, cutting off people's ears in defense of Jesus (John 18) and then being scolded. Sometimes we put forth all this effort to defend our faith, when, if we had really been living it out, it wouldn't have needed defending in the first place. What we stood for would have done all that work for us, but we chose to strike out at what we were against instead.

There was this one time I went to a Christian music festival and there was a company who were selling t-shirts with your premium Christian values on them, you know: gays are bad, abortions are bad, sluts are bad, porn is bad, etc (Christian consumerism at its best, folks). It spent all weekend pissing me off. And, I'll be honest, I wasn't quite as polite or refined then... or now. I can't for the life of me remember what the shirt said, but I do remember it was about abortion. I do remember it pointed a very demeaning finger at anyone who had ever had one. And I had friends, plural, who had them.

I should be clear about the fact that I believe life starts at conception. Yah, I'm one of those. My belief plays into it, but also just being a mama. However, I also believe I have no idea what is like to be 14 and pregnant. I have no idea what it's like to live in a home where my family might disown me. I have no idea what it's like to have no support surrounding me while thinking I maybe can't do this. I have no idea what it's like to be raped and carry a child from that experience. I have no idea. And, most importantly, I don't get to judge you. I get to tell you that there are other options and I think you'd be a wonderful mother. I get to hold your hand and love you, no matter what.

Anyway, there was a group of girls on the campground shuttle, all of them wearing the "God hates when you kill his babies" shirt while discussing the great sin of abortion and I decided it would be prudent to turn around and join the conversation.

I should have prefaced this story with: this is what not to do.

Our conversation went about like this:

Me: "How can you wear that judgmental bullshit?"

Girl 1: "Do you support abortion?"

Me: "I think anyone who has been through that process has had enough to deal with without being damned by a t-shirt most likely made in a sweatshop."

Girl 2: "You don't know anything, people who have abortions go to hell!"

Girls: "Yah."

Me: "You're idiots."

Girl 1: "I bet you had an abortion. You're going to burn in hell for eternity."

Me: *punches girl 1 in the nose*

I know what you're thinking, "Way to tell that girl what for!" But I was just as guilty as those girls. I didn't let what I stood for speak for itself, I was led by what I was against.

Here's the thing, the world has gotten a fat dose of what we (Christians) are against. From the Crusades to bad t-shirts to the Westboro Baptist Church - the world is like "We got it, Christianity, you are against things. Passionately against them." We have drawn so many lines in the sand, we are starting to look like a bad piece of modern art.

But what are we for???

"Oh how we love our religious yokes, not for what they communicate about God, but what they say about us. This is the kind of people we are. We say "no" when everyone else says "yes." We don't do that. We don't watch that. We don't vote that way. We don't go there. We don't include them. But God's idea of a fast is less about what we're against and more about what we are for.

Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Isaiah 58:6-7"

Jen Hatmaker, 7 (and the Bible)

As you've seen, I am guilty. My finger might be pointed in the other direction, but that doesn't make me any more right. While I should be setting an example for my fellow Christians, I am too busy informing them that they aren't being loving, caring, forgiving, etc. enough. But what if I took all that time to just be loving, caring, forgiving? What if I made it less about what is wrong with Christianity and more about what I can do right? What am I for?

What are any of us for?

Like They Do On The Discovery Channel?

Marko and I attend one of the many Small Groups at our church and this Summer our topic is? Marriage. Well, at least, that's the vague one word summary of what we are studying. And this week we discussed "When Love Sizzles" ... aka sex - yah, I'm not going to pretend that the study isn't cheesy, but most of it is decent teaching. One of the questions following the session was "What are some of the damaging aspects of culture to sex?" The answers from around the room were good, but they focused primarily on the damage pop culture has done to sex - leaving out the serious damage that church culture has done to it.

It's true that in this day and age? Sex is all we want to talk about. Where and how people are doing it and with who - or what. We are hyper-sexualized, women are only as good as what they'll show and men are only as good as their six-pack abs on a billboard. There is television, Pinterest, Tumblr, and photo after photo of what "sexy" is. Sex is easily accessible. In fact, it's hard to avoid it. Everyone has poor self image these days, it's impossible not to with all the damage this over stimulation does to our psyches.

But we know it.

We know the superficial nature of pop songs and that "rush" of a new relationship versus the "stagnant" nature of a long term one. We know the injury porn can sometimes place on a relationship. We know the problems with allowing young girls to read Cosmo and Teen Vogue. We see the anorexia, bulimia, rape culture - and not just in women. We watch the rate of sex before marriage sky rocket, the divorce rate rise steadily, and the number of dysfunctional teen moms captivate television audiences everywhere. We know it's damaging.

But what about the damage we as a Church have done to sex?

Because our sin is equal to that of the media.

We force sex under the bed covers, shaming it and any discussion of it. With women and young girls, we teach them to "control" and "tone down" their sexuality; t-shirts over bathing suits, high-necked shirts, finger-tip length skirts and shorts. We tell them modesty only concerns keeping their legs closed and that purity is tied directly to their virginity and once you lose it? You can't get it back. We reproach men for finding a woman who is not their spouse attractive while encouraging a misplaced sense of machismo at the same time. We demand romance from our men while maintaining that they need to stop acting so feminine and "man up." It is a confusing, backwards, hurtful place where words like "abomination" and "sexual deviancy" and "aversion" are common place. The question arises, what does good sex even look like within the context of the Church? Because simply answering "marriage" doesn't do it. There is damaging and hurtful sex within marriages.

 

It's blurry.

Until we can openly and honestly have discussions within both cultures without the fear of being labeled "prude" or "sinful," sex will continue to be harmful. Not just when media tones down the sex and the Church amps up the "sizzle" factor, but when both come together to have an appropriate and in depth conversation. This is just identification of the problem and a lot could be said and speculated on how to heal the damage being done, but that is for another day. There is so much more to say and write on the subject and other people that I much admire have written about it here, here, here, here & here, or here - just to name a few.