My husband thinks I am beautiful. More over, I genuinely believe he finds me to be the most attractive woman on the planet. Maybe that's naive, but I believe it. Not that movie stars and models are not sexier than me, but to him? I top everyone else. He tells me this and I believe him. Perhaps it's because I am his wife and the mother of his child and God calls him to love me like this, or maybe it's due to my unbelievably serious rack - no pushup bra needed. But he finds me to be stunning and captivating.
I? Do not.
We've discussed this a little. I have poor self esteem (me and every other woman on the planet at one point or another), not all the time, but a lot of the time. Especially since creating a tiny beautiful little life. Is Rory worth the crazy changes to my body? Yes. Do not mistake me, I love my little boy and I do not resent him (except maybe at 3:30am, but that is for entirely different reasons). However, just because I don't blame him for my current physical state, doesn't mean I struggle with it any less. "Give yourself at least a year to get rid of the baby weight!" That's fine in theory, but in practice? I am much harder on myself.
My mom is a 5'9" red head with pin straight hair and blue eyes and grew up with that slim and slender body type all over fashion magazines. To say I looked at her Senior Portraits as a high schooler with envy is an understatement, I was green with jealousy. I have never looked like my mom. I am 5'5" with curly auburn hair, green eyes, and serious curves. I have always been a bit boyish, despite my not so boyish physique, and let me tell you: androgyny does not work on the curvy women of the world. I know, I've tried. It isn't so much that I don't think I'm pretty as much as I don't look the way the world (media) says I should. There are days I am the most beautiful woman in the room, and others that I wish I could disappear.
As a Christian, this view of myself is problematic, but I'll get to that. You grow up, especially as a girl, hearing a lot of "God knit you together in the womb!" speech from the Church (Psalm 139), to encourage good self image. And yes, I believe God created me - cell to fetus to child - however, I feel like that is yet another one of Christianity's big cop out verses. I know God made me, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't look the way I want to right now. And then there is the media's input: You can always work towards a better you! Sure I can, but there is only so much I can work towards or alter about myself before putting myself beneath a knife and carving myself into what I want. And at that point, am I even me anymore?
What it comes down to is this: Do I believe God makes mistakes? No. Therefore, I am not then, not now, not ever going to be a mistake. If I never embrace the bits of me God graced me with though media tells me are not necessarily the loveliest? Then it is not my self image that is suffering, but my selfish image. I should never want to change the looks God has given me, but care for them. If I feel unhealthy, I need to eat better food and do more for my body physically. But the truth is that while I can straighten my hair? It is curly. And while I can work out and eat well? I will never be rail thin in slacks in suspenders, that's not what God gave me to work with. And God makes no mistakes.
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