Missionaries

The word of the day is Missionary.

The other morning I had a sleeping baby in my arms, a sleeping husband in my bed, a beautiful sunrise through my window, and a cup of coffee in front of my keyboard. If that was all I ever had, my life would still be glorious gift. Advent is here and in the same fashion as last year: bringing big changes for our family. Last year we found out we were expecting our beautiful little Rory. This year, we have been generally accepted as missionaries by the Covenant Church. Next year, hopefully, we'll be experiencing Advent in a new country.

We are terribly excited. We had a Skype interview with the Regional Coordinator of Latin America and the Caribbean and have exchanged emails with RC of Europe, Russia & Africa and several Country Coordinators. All that remains (which is a fairly big "all") is to determine a specific location and fundraise. We will most likely be commissioned in June of this coming year and leave between September and January 2014 - probably. It is important we remain flexible and willing to take part in whatever God has planned for us.

We aren't positive, but it seems God is calling us towards South America for our first mission term. There are several promising locations that we feel would really fit with our passions and their program needs, but nothing is concrete. We are eager to further connect with country directors and find where we could fit. Our church, Cedarcreek, has been wonderfully supportive - despite the fact that this means they will lose yet another Church Admin - and continue to ask what they can do for us. We are eager to send out our first support email and let people know more specifics (an email detailing where we are at and specific prayer needs, we won't be asking for money). If you are interested in receiving a support email, let me know! We would love to include you!

Recently, we have been in touch with a young family similar to our own who have raised their young son on the mission field of Ecuador. They moved to South America when their son was only 3 months old and maintain that they prefer raising their son in Ecuador to the US. Latin American culture has a stronger sense of family than the Unites States and children are permitted to be themselves without being reprimanded. They were able to tote their son around to all meetings, schooling, etc. and it was more normal than securing a babysitter because family remains the primary value within South America versus the head importance of work/success in America. Our exchange reaffirmed everything Mark and I have felt about raising Rory outside of the US on mission. We understand there will always be dangers, but we also understand that for us the benefits heavily outweigh the concerns. And any anxieties about our safety remain the same here in Seattle as they would be abroad.

So much blessing and so much work. We have been making strides as a family to really put aside the business of this season in order to spend time with one another. We have also been working to be missionaries where we are at, because we know that the mission field is not just across country lines but everywhere. Mark and I just celebrated our one year anniversary and love our life together. Rory continues to grow at an astonishing rate and will be four months old this Tuesday. He is happy, he is healthy, and he is obnoxious. With parents like he has, is it any wonder? If you want to know more about what is going on with Rory or Mark and I, you can check out our new venue for parenting and marriage psycho-babble at http://themarkandmalia.blogspot.com. It will probably be mostly me, but Mark will be contributing occasionally as well. This blog will continue to be my thoughts and you can also check out Marko's blog to see his, our new space will simply be for the day to day things that we want to share.

As always, I'm glad to share my life with you. Let me know if you'd like be receiving support emails from Mark and I and please know how much I appreciate your readership. With all the love I possess,
Malialani.

Overwhelming Lack of Hearing

Today my word is often.

So often am I moved. So often am I reminded. So often am I overwhelmed by grace and love and the capacity for humanity to use these things. So often I am disappointed when they don't - when I don't.

There is a weight of responsibility that comes with having a child, a conviction that bears down on the soul. How do I want Rory do grow up? Comfortable and content with the life he has, untouched by the difficult and dirty things of this world? Or do I want him to passionately seek a life of sacrifice, marked by compassion and love and giving? You should already know my answer, darling reader.

I want my son to be so much better than I am. Sure of himself and his beliefs, whether they mirror my own or take on an entirely different look. I want him to be ever fighting for his convictions rather than hypocritically tearing himself apart internally (see his mom).

"We cannot carry the gospel to the poor and the lowly while emulating the practices of the rich and the powerful." Jen Hatmaker

Why are we entitled to the life we were born into? It was purely blessed circumstance that placed me in a middle class American home and someone else in the slums of Mumbai and another in a compound of former soviet Russia. I haven't earned my first world life. How could I have? How could any of us? The more I consider these things, I become less angry at the wealthy and more sad for them. For us. I am beginning to believe that our daily indifference, our Starbucks coffees and kitchen expansions, is what is killing us from the inside out. We give, but still we waste. I am guilty as any. We should enjoy the little things in this life, but we should recognize that they are only that - little things. We should never allow them to distract us from what matters.

"Compassion is not a bending toward the underprivileged from a privileged position; it is not reaching out from on high to those who are less fortunate below; it is not a gesture of sympathy or pity for those who fail to make it in the upward pull. On the contrary compassion means going directly to those people and places where suffering is most acute and building a home there," Henri Nouwen

Often: many times, frequently, in many cases. What if Christ meant it when he said that we must go to the poor and the outcast? What if he truly meant that we must give up everything to follow Him? What if those weren't hyperbole or metaphor? Then I am lacking. Even in my obnoxious quest to better my world, I am so inadequate. I have not heard the words I have read over and over, but merely listened without obeying. My heart is broken for each man, woman, and child who suffers. So many suffering needlessly! Even the smallest portion of what I have capable of giving them a better life. How have I not already gone to them on hands and knees with tears on each cheek, apologizing for my lack of compassion, my lack of hearing. I have often been indifferent. That is someone else's calling, another will care for that need, others will do that work. Too often have these been my words, rather than the words that have already been given to me.

I apologize for yet another moment of overwhelming conviction, but they are what plagues me during these days. Often. So often. And my heart is broken for every person I have hesitated to aid, to love. It physically pains me to see such hypocrisy bleeding out of me. I desire a sacrificial life and continually ignore the most simple sacrifices that present themselves to me. It isn't about one big gesture, but a life filled with small opportunities to serve. And I must take them as often as they come. I am beyond exhausted by all of this, so I will leave you with some food for thought.

"May my privileges continue to drive me downward toward my brothers and sisters without. Greater yet, I am tired of calling the suffering "brothers and sisters" when I would never allow by biological siblings to suffer likewise. That's just hypocrisy veiled in altruism. I won't defile my blessings by imagining I deserve them. Until every human receives the dignity I casually enjoy, I pray my heart aches with tension and my belly rumbles for injustice." Jen Hatmaker

"Suddenly the terrible dangers of lacking nothing became clear to us. Having everything just because you can is a trap. It numbs and blinds the human spirit. It can separate us from our calling and our privilege as Christians in this needy world." Mike Yankoski

"In a world overwhelmed with words, sometimes the most powerful communication is action fueled and inspired by love." Mark Scandrette

"You who are God's servants are living in a foreign country, for your own country is far away from this city-state. Knowing which is yours, why do you acquire fields, costly furnishings, buildings, and frail dwellings here? Anyone who acquires things for himself in this city cannot expect to find the way home to his own city. Do you not realize that all these things here do not belong to you, that they are under a power alien to your nature? ... Acquire no more here than what is absolutely necessary. Instead of fields, buy yourselves people in distress according to your means so they might have more and you might have the same." Hermas

"If I am crazy, it's because I refuse to be crazy in the same way the world has gone crazy." Peter Maurin

For The Sake of Something Else

Sacrifice.

Today's Word of the Day is actually rather subtle, despite the huge connotations implied by the word. I should probably first make you aware that I am discussing the verb and not the noun; homage through death is just not my thing. So, what is sacrifice? To make an offering of; to surrender, give up, permit injury or disadvantage to for the sake of something else; to dispose of something of value (property, goods, etc.) regardless of profit. Sounds big and important.

We are "house sitting" at my parents' this week while they are in Eugene for a blues/folk festival and then in Lincoln City for a family reunion. They got to see Steve Martin, I'm eternally green with envy. The house doesn't really need sitting, but my youngest brother is still living at home and while he doesn't need anyone to watch him, he does need accountability. So it helps if we stay at the house. I love my brother and I am more than happy to be there for him, but I do not want to stay at my parents' house. It doesn't even have anything to do with the house or the responsibility, it is entirely because it's not my home anymore. I have a new home that I love and I want to be there. Vacation's are different. Living in someone else's house while you're going about your normal everyday life? I don't like it, not even a little bit.

"No great wisdom can be reached without sacrifice." CS Lewis

But sacrifice, even small and insignificant ones like living at your parents' house for a week, is important. Not just that you make them, but that you make them cheerfully. And making a cheerful sacrifice does not always mean you are going to like the sacrifice you are making, it simply means that you recognize it needs to be made and you let your heart be transformed by that knowledge. Let yourself be transformed. Sleeping in a bed that is not my own in a house that is not my own while in my last leg of pregnancy is not my idea of fun, but I am glad of this opportunity to give more of myself so that others (my parents and brother) might feel love and be appreciated. I think in order for a sacrifice to be genuine, part of you has to want to hold back but decide for the best of others to give anyway.

Real sacrifice is beautiful. It's not just reluctant house sitting for your parents, it's lovely and true. It breaks down barriers and builds up people. It is hope. It is love, unconditional and never ceasing. Joyfully surrendered for the greater good. It's not something that you can teach or force of someone, it must be done by your own free and wholehearted will. Sacrifice. It is a word with weight, so much weight. And it is so important.

"You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it." JM Barrie

I believe that sacrifice is necessary. I believe this because I have experienced the blessings from the ultimate sacrifice and I am undeserving. I believe this because I have witness the sacrifices of others for the benefit of those around them. I have seen great sacrifice and great suffering and I believe it is necessary. For through these acts of unconditional and unrequited goodness, we find joy and hope and love. We find all things beautiful and lovely. All things wonderful and fulfilling.

I believe in order to be a good wife, I must know and experience sacrifice. Expectantly. I must yield all I am and more, not losing myself in my husband, but giving all of myself. Without reservation. For reservation negates sacrifice. If true love is to be my calling, it must be sacrificial love. And I believe in order to be a good parent, I must know sacrifice. I must know great sacrifice. I must love my child(ren) until it hurts and be willing to give my everything for them. They are, after all, my heart wandering beyond my body.

"A man (Jesus) who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act." Mahatma Gandhi

Reading and writing, allowing God to speak truth into my life through His Word, my husband, my family, my friends, and all other things. I sometimes forget to listen for that still, small voice because I am waiting for a loud, commanding one. I hear the "sacrifice" and it resounds in my mind with a boisterous crash, but it shouldn't. It should be soft, it should be quiet. I am so sure that quiescent words are the most resilient, the most pure. The kind that echo not due to volume but due to their undeniable and heavy truth.

My word is sacrifice. But it isn't just the word of the day, it is the word of my life. It is what I must live out in order to truly live at all, because merely existing was never an option. I desire to love this world as I have first been loved. I desire to love sacrificially, to live sacrificially. I believe it is an impossibly wonderful task that I will spend the rest of my life working towards, and I am so glad of it. To live for the joy, for the sake of something else, what better life could there be?

I am a wife and a mother and I desire a life of beautiful sacrifice.

Raspberry Nights

Satisfied, today's word is satisfied.

My mouth is hot. Curry powder, cayenne pepper, white pepper, and a touch of olive oil splashed into a pan with a piece of chicken, a handful of sweet onion, and some bell pepper over basmati rice with a sprinkle of salt. My mouth is hot, but happy. Yesterday, I decided my word of the day needed to be satisfied. Primarily because it was quite the opposite of what I was feeling. It has been a busy week and I needed to feel satisfied for more than 5 minutes. I needed the satisfaction I get from 90 minutes of yoga to last for more than 10 minutes. I needed the satisfaction I receive while reading or journaling to secure me for more than a fleeting moment. No matter what I did, it didn't seem to be what I needed.

Then I spent 5 seconds intentionally spending time with my husband as he got off work. Better, much better. So, this morning/afternoon, despite our prenatal check up and the minimal amount of sleep, we just spent time with one another. Phones far from sight and cuddled up in bed even after we got home from our outings. Satisfied. We did spent some time doing yoga together and, before I continue, I must retract a statement from a previous blog. Marko says he would totally down to do partner yoga, I just have to give him enough time to get into yoga-shape. I am pretty excited about it!

After not hearing anything back about even receiving our missions application, I called and discovered the Director is on vacation until the 1st of July. But they had received our application(s) and were very sorry no one had let us know. So, we should be hearing something sometime after next week. I think we will probably hear something mid July with next week being the 4th and everyone just returning from vacation. Our hopes are still high that we will be able to find placement by January 2013, but I know that whatever happens, God has a plan.

Our dear friends Jeff and Greta get married tomorrow. My first thought? "It's so weird to see people I know getting married." Oh, wait. I am married, pregnant, and seeking a career as a missionary and the idea that I am a 'grown up' escapes me entirely. Jeff and Greta have been searching for one another for longer than either realized and it is such a blessing to listen to each of their stories. They are both gifted and amazing teachers both in and out of the classroom and it has been a real privilege to walk alongside them on this journey. I know their live together will be one of intense wonder and love.

Today has already been everything I needed it to be. I am sipping on cold chai tea I made yesterday mixed with peach juice, it is satisfying. The raspberries from the garden are the perfect combination of sunkissed sweet and tart. I am starting my third yoga class for the day and am immensely happy with the light dull ache of my body that has nothing to do with my pregnant belly. I have apparently stopped gaining weight, which makes me feel light and happy, but also better about the weight I have gained. Critter is exactly the proper size, position, and has a lovely heartbeat to match his/her extremely active nature. My reading/journaling time has been an absolute consistent blessing. And I am reminded that my life always looks hectic when looking at it head on, but is copesettic as a big picture.

 Now what to do with all these raspberries?

Too Many To Count

The word of the day is blessed.

Pregnancy emotions are super. I've never cried so much in my life as the last 7 months. But for all the ups and downs? I have gotten to be really honest about my emotions, primarily because there is no way I can hide them, but it's nice. It's nice to tear up when I hear a really moving song on the radio. And it's nice to laugh inappropriately loud when I read something hilarious in the middle of the library. It's nice to look at my husband and know that I am absolutely oozing with love for him and he can see it. I am not used to wearing my heart so openly on my sleeve and it's really nice.

You may or may not have picked up that I'm into the whole "God thing." What you might not know, is that I can probably count the number of my friends who believe in God on one hand. Sometimes? That is really difficult. I say something about Church and there is a look that crosses over their face - like they aren't sure how to react, like I might throw a bible at them. Sometimes it's pretty funny, other times it's kind of alienating. Christianity has absolutely assaulted by it's own "believers," when all it's really about is love. I don't want to drag anyone to Church or instruct them on why they are sinners that need to be saved. In fact, I find it's almost the opposite. More people try to talk me out of believing in God than I have ever spoken to about believing. And despite the fact that so many of my friends don't understand my beliefs, they stick it out with me. I am ridiculously grateful for them. They put up with my Church and God talk with limited amounts of awkward and try to be excited for me even when they don't get it. I hope they each realize how much I love them, regardless of their faith.

When I talk about doing mission work, becoming a career missionary, a lot of people don't know how to react. To be clear, I'm not headed to hand out Bibles and westernize a savage nation. That thought actually makes me laugh out loud. I am totally down to talk religion with anyone who wants to and if you'd like a Bible, I will hand you one. But I'm more interested in living life with people, helping them create a sustainable living, getting them the medical care they need, and assisting in educating them to be self sufficient, to read and write in their own language, to help others in need. Not because I think I am better or smarter than anyone else, I am most definitely not, but because they haven't had the opportunity to learn these things and maybe haven't had anyone to give them a hand, to love on them. That is the reason my husband and I are headed on mission.

Patience is not the word of the day, but maybe it will be someday. Something I struggle with on an almost daily basis, I seek patience with almost as much fervor as I seek joy. Possibly with more, because joy is easy for me to attain whereas patience is not. I am decidedly impatient. I want things to be happening now. Right now. Not tomorrow, not a week from now, not in a year. Spontaneity is one of my greatest gifts - and most horrible curses. Patience has, however, been the theme of my life lately. I am waiting for Critter to arrive, waiting to hear back about our membership applications, waiting to hear back about our missions applications, waiting for my certificate, waiting for our home to be set up for baby, waiting to hear more about CAR, waiting on letters to arrive, waiting for Summer to finally get here, waiting for articles to be published, waiting, waiting, waiting. I am learning patience whether I like it or not (definitely not). But I am thankful for the opportunity to learn this skill because, let's face it,  life is difficult without patience. Deep sigh.

Maybe you don't understand why, but today's word is blessed. Blessed because I am overemotional. Blessed because I have friends who love me even when they don't understand me. Blessed because God has given me an absolute burden on my heart for those in need. Blessed because I am learning about patience. Blessed with an active child and loving husband, a darling Church community, a wonderful job and other job opportunities, a bed with blankets, food in my fridge, and a beautiful home with lovely landlords... there are so many things I could list. I have an overabundance of blessings in my life, too many to count. Even on the difficult days and in the hard moments, I have a beautiful life that is so full! The word of the day is most certainly blessed.

Better

Today, my word is provision.

Wednesday was difficult. You know the saying, "be careful what you wish for" ? Well, I feel like we only ever remember it after the fact. My prayers obviously fluctuate, but there is one thing I consistently ask God for: to fill me up and break my heart for what breaks His. The poverty, disease, preventable deaths, and all those who feel cast out by the church. I desire to show people as much love as I possibly can, and yet I remain sarcastic and whiney. I am not who I aspire to be, I am not someone to look up to, I am not as good as I could be. I want to be better, so much better. And my ask has been responded to, my heart is being torn into thousands of pieces in opposite directions as I witness people in my community experiencing hardships, have a growing love for Africa that has never been present before now, watch my husband struggle with his job that doesn't pay or appreciate him nearly enough... I am full to the brim, overflowing with love that I feel I cannot dispense quickly enough - I forgot to ask for an outlet.

I spent the day laboring to express everything pent up inside of me and only managed to exhaust myself. Then, picking up Marko from work, I was informed that I am a moron for wanting a natural birth with no medication. Unsolicited advice is an epidemic in the United States. I wanted to say that people do it all over the world every day, even in America. I wanted to say that women have been giving birth naturally without numbing the lower half of their bodies for thousands of years. I wanted to say that I didn't judge those who choose to medicate and I shouldn't be looked down upon for wanting something different. But all I could do was stare at the wall while Mark came to my rescue. I was too drained to even consider responding. We then had to drive up to Seattle to attend a birthing class, something my health care provider strongly recommends. Our generation has lost something. We now need professionals to tells us all the things that used to just be passed down from mother to daughter, grandparent to grandchild. Breast feeding is the best option for your baby, skin to skin contact will help you bond with your little one, patience is the best strategy when learning how to nurse, bathe, and rock your newborn to sleep. Please inform me as to why a class exists to tell me these things? In the same way a cookbook will never be able to teach me the way an 80 year old woman can, there is no substitute for knowledge passed down through the ages. It doesn't mean we can't decide for ourselves what is right or wrong, it just means that you have wasted 2 hours of 15 couples lives telling us what our basic instincts are. Wednesday was difficult.

Thursday I woke up with a disposition to make life better. To make my husband smile, to look at the bright side, to be the positivity I wanted from the world. Thursday was a long day, but I accomplished what I set out to do. I remembered to pray for an outlet and flew through work. I was able to lift Mark's spirits, if only slightly, I got my house in order and I spent the whole day singing. There was much to do and little energy left to do it with, but that is the wonder of provision. Even when you think you're at the end of you're rope, you find a little more. That's always the way it is with love, though. You give and give until there's nothing left, then you give some more. Mother Teresa said it best, "I think I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love."

This morning was the dreaded monthly appointment with a midwife. There were enjoyable when there were ultrasounds and I was losing weight rather than being scolded by an overweight woman for gaining too much. But today? Today we met Desiree. She answered every question without any tone of judgement, she laughed with us when something funny was said, she spoke with us about the best postpartum birth control options and even put it in the hospital notes so someone would know to order it, she reaffirmed my plan to do natural childbirth and shook her head understandingly when I gave my account of being called a moron, she gave us a list of books to check out, she measured to make sure I was the right size instead of talking to me about weight, and, of course, let us listen to Creature's heart beat. It was the most encouraging visit yet. Provision, provision is definitely the word for today.

I am reminded daily of how much more I have. I should seek to bless others as I am so incredibly blessed, seek to love them as I am wonderfully loved, seek to care for them as I am overwhelmingly cared for. I can do better, be better than I am now. Not because I am capable, but because I believe in a God who is. I want to spend my mornings reading and writing, seeking Christ's plan for my life. I want to spend my days serving my girls by taking them shopping and talking with them about their busy schedules, being there for them in each and every crisis and non-crisis. I want to spend my free time with friends, living life beside them openly and speaking into their lives as I hope they speak into mine. I want to spend my work hours doing the best I can and giving everything I am able to the cause I so believe in. I want to spend my nights snuggled with my husband, loving him beyond my capacity and having long conversations about everything and nothing. I want to be better.

Word of the Day

The word for today is "encouraged."

There are so many things I could complain about today. The list is mind numbingly long. But all I can think about is how blessed I am. I am exhausted and so unbelievably busy with a number of things I still need to accomplish, but all of the things on that list? Are things that I don't mind doing, that actually kind of bring me joy. Each thing in my life that should make me tired, just fills my spirit up a little more. I also haven't seen or spoken to my husband all day, which is far too long. This week has not been conducive for us to spend time together and I miss him! But I get to spend all day tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday with him and we a realizing our dreams of living in the dirt. I have gained far too much weight to feel even the slightest bit attractive, but I have a beautiful and active critter growing inside of me who already lights up my life. There are so many people who keep putting my idea of going on mission down with snide comments and the upturned noses. But there are so many others who so fully support that idea, even if they aren't Christian!

I am so undeniably blessed and my life is just one sloppy wet kiss, you know the kind - when you're not sure if that was a good thing and, yet, you are. I got to hang out with some 10-15 students today and help them make learning fun. I had the opportunity to really share and connect with my parents this afternoon while my daddy played his guitar. I came home to a clean home and a love letter waiting up on the computer for me from my dearling husband. Tomorrow I get to continue getting my house ready for a tiny little one with my husband and then go to a family baby shower. Sunday I have to chance to hangout with my husband and two people I absolutely adore and I am so lucky to be involved in their lives while we chat about missions, Church, and God.

I am so encouraged.

By the little boy I helped read this morning. By the teacher who told me I was such a gift with kids. By the two wonderful women I had the opportunity to shadow this week, teaching me that ELL isn't always an awful and demanding subject. By the little girl I taught how to say "300" this afternoon. By kindergardeners who ask me how to spell. By hugs from little ones and waves from those too shy to hug. By my dad's guitar playing. By the book my mother gave me in support of my love of mission work, even though it breaks her heart that we will be so far away. By the loving and open conversations we are able to have. By the pennies I am earning as a freelance writer. By the absolute provision in our life, despite when we face monetary issues. By the email from Africa. By the voicemail from my best friend. By the love letter from my husband. By the kicks and somersaults in my abdomen. By the 30 minutes of yoga. By my excitement to write, whether here or for Yahoo! or in my journals or Dust Book. By my clean house. By each and every moment, whether good, bad, or mundane because I know that each of those moments are making up my life!

Today, I am encouraged.