Toddler Eats

So, we primarily make all our food from scratch. We have always been pretty "granola," but after reading 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker? Our cooking from scratch increased dramatically.

Most of our purchases are "whole foods" - meaning our grocery list is primarily organic fruits, veggies, and bulk items with some milk, eggs, cheeses, and meat on occasion. We bake our own bread products and try to avoid things that come "ready made." However, just because that is what we primarily purchase, does not mean I am not above purchasing Annie's on a week where our lives are crazy (or when I am desperately craving cheese powder on mediocre noodles). And if my favorite organic wraps have a sale sticker slapped on them? I buy two or three. If we are out and about, I try to have snacks on hand, but the world doesn't end if we stop at our local coffee shop for a chai tea and bagel.

On top of being kind of obsessed with clean eating and the like, I am cheap. Partially because I just am, but mostly because we are on a tight budget. With Mark and I working part-time jobs, fundraising, a toddler, and another tiny on the way? We are having to great creative with our spending - or rather, our not spending.

So, what to do about food for littles while still attempting to be a frugal-whole-foods-er?

I should preface this with the fact that I am blessed with an eater. But here are some of the things that are regularly lying around my house in small dishes.

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Roasted Chickpeas

I buy chickpeas/garbanzo beans from the bulk section, which is unbelievably cheaper than from a can, but it also means you have to soak them at least overnight before they are ready for cooking.

Take 1 cup or so and soak in them in 3 cups of water anywhere from 24-10 hours before I want to cook them.

Next day drain the water, pay them dry, toss them on a cookie sheet with edges or in a glass baking dish (so they are lying flat and not stacked) with a little olive oil, mix them around with your choice of spices. We do a little salt, pepper, and cayenne because my crazy son was born to live in Mexico, but cinnamon sugar is really good, or you can go with curry powder, chili powder, and turmeric or any blend of spices that you love.

Then throw them in the oven at 350F. You have to keep an eye on them, especially if you are soaking and not using canned chickpeas, because they are all different sizes and depending on how long you soaked them. But just occasionally check and stir them around and eventually they will start to look golden brown and if you pop one in your mouth (careful, very hot) it should be crunchy - like a corn nut!

Once they are done, just put them in tupperware and they keep for awhile - at least, they keep for about a week. I couldn't tell you if they last longer than that. My son gobbles them.

Fresh/Frozen Fruit/Veggies

When it's in season, fresh fruit is the way to go. Lots of good for you things and it's sweet! So you don't really need to spend too much time trying to convince your kiddo to chow down. We are lucky enough to live somewhere that has a pretty decent fruit season, so I purchase as much as I can and then freeze what we don't go through. Peaches, nectarines, berries, figs, pineapple, mango, etc. all hold up pretty well and are a nice cold treat.

Carrot and celery sticks are great, grape tomatoes cut in half, corn, snap peas, bell peppers - Rory likes to dip in ranch/other salad dressings, but he also will just eat them if there is no dressing available. Rory also really likes frozen peas and corn. I cannot for the life of me tell you why. Try it on your children?

Dehydrated Everything

We went big this Summer and purchased a dehydrator. We are semi-obsessed with Laura Miller, Sidesaddle Kitchen, and Raw Vegan Not Gross - so a dehydrator was definitely in our line of thought.

Now?

Dried bananas, pineapple, mango, and plums! Zucchini, kale, sweet potato, and squash chips! Jerky!

Rory is a big fan of all of this. Some fruit for his sweet tooth, some crunchy for his veggies, and the kid absolutely adores jerky.

We have not had a lot of time since the arrival of our dearest kitchen appliance, but I will let you know how further recipes turn out. I am very excited to try Not Chicken Nuggets. It's on my to-do.

Sweet Potato Fries

Cut up a sweet potato or yam (it doesn't matter). Toss in a glass baking dish with olive or coconut oil. Add salt if you want. Throw in the oven at 350F, occasionally mixing around until they are how you like them - for softer, take them out sooner and for crispy, wait a while longer.

Toast, Half Sandwiches, and Other Bready Things

Like I mentioned, we make our own bread. So it doesn't concern me for Rory to munch on toast. Our favorite place ever, The Grainery, has so many options it will make your head spin. We actually considered getting a wheat grinder and just purchasing organic wheat stalks. Then we decided we probably didn't have the time...

If you feel like you don't have the time to bake bread? Get a bread machine. 5 minutes of your time and 3 hours later you have a fresh baked bread loaf. Don't have a bread machine? Put an ask on Facebook. People just don't use them for some reason and are more than happy to get rid of them. I got two before I even knew what was happening. I use it once a week - maybe twice in one day if our menu for the week is kind of bread heavy or I want to freeze a loaf for a busier week.

Avocado toast - toast + mashed avocado + a little salt & pepper if you want.

Egg salad sandwich - piece of bread + egg salad (hard boiled eggs, mustard, a little olive oil, salt & pepper) + some lettuce chopped up into small bite sized pieces.

Melted cheese - piece of bread + cheese (+ sometimes we do a little onion) in the oven on broil till melty.

PB&J - piece of bread + peanut butter + jelly

Braided cheesy bread - Mark makes this, I will find out the recipe at another date. Cause it is magical.

Omelet Bites

Make an omelet! Put all your favorites in, whether it's just cheese or one million veggies, but make sure it is thicker and holds together well so you could pick up a bite with your fingers. Then cut it up and serve it to the small one.

Pumpkin Pie

Yah, you heard me.

Lessen the sugar and make your kiddos pie. I have two in my fridge right now, thought I will admit they were definitely not made from scratch. I needed to get rid of several things in my pantry... But pie, especially Pumpkin Pie is a great way to get them some great vitamins. I am determined to find the perfect from scratch recipe this Fall - I will let you know how my quest goes.

Saimin

So, saimin is like top ramen but from scratch and 100x better.

Veggie stock, saimin noodles, and whatever veggies you so desire (leeks, carrots, celery, and bell peppers are my go-to) all thrown into a pot until the noddles are done. Then break an egg into the boiling water, turn off the stove, and stir it up with your spoon to get that awesome Asian soup egg that my husband literally cannot seem to accomplish. Maybe you just need to have it in your blood? Add salt and pepper as you so desire. Drop in ice cubes and let the tinies at it.

Fish

Frozen wild caught fish fillets are actually not too expensive. So defrost and throw in a pan with some coconut oil or homemade teriyaki or whatever and then give a small chunk to your little with quinoa or rice. Here is fish tip: fish? Should not smell or taste "fishy." Ever. If it does? It's bad. Good fish should have little to no smell and melt in your mouth almost like butter. True story.

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You'll notice that I'm not the most specific recipe writer, that's because I'm not the most specific food maker. I use my fingers rather than measuring and often just kind of wing it. It drives my chef husband a little bonkers.

Also, I will add some pictures - my internet doesn't seem to love me at the moment.

Maybe another day I will do more specific recipes, but this is more of an inspiration post. If you are a recipe person, just follow me on Pinterest. I am constantly making the recipes I post there. Seriously, it's how I meal plan for the week. ;)

The Days Are Just Packed

The last time I blogged was in May.

MAY.

I am sorry, dearlings, hopefully you didn't even notice due to your own busy schedules. I know mine (ours) has been chaotic to say the least. Between pregnancy, a toddler, my job, Mark's job, raising support, weddings, parties, and just regular life - I have not had a chance to catch my breath. So here it is, big breath in, and big breath out. Proper breathing is important, you know.

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin because of how long it has been... so, let's start here:

"May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light." Colossians 1:11-12

Here's the deal. Last night I was stressing out about raising support and how long it is taking, how difficult it has been, and how it will continue. The thing I asked God for above all else was endurance and patience - and then I flipped my Bible open here. God is creepy awesome.

For a more detailed Missions update, you can check out Rory's Blog, which has done far better than this poor one. We are 30% pledged. Which means we still need 50% to be cleared to purchase tickets and another 20% after that. It is overwhelming. Especially because we are having another child which actually increases the amount we need to raise. Sigh... It's hard to feel called to something and also constantly feel like it is never going to happen.



I am reading Rory Calvin & Hobbes right now - we have the entire works - and he loves it. On the pages where there are just pictures, I let him tell me when to go on. It's fun to watch his eyes scan the page and laugh. We are also reading A Little Princess - because children should read an equal number of books with female or male heroes.

Rory is speaking now; ball, dog, meow, goat, ice, bite, yes, no, bike, pee, up, down, brm (which is car), bat (which actually means batman), boom, baby, bye, and many more. There is a part of me that fully expects him to just look up at me any day now and speak in full sentences. He is learning new words every day and it is absolutely magical to witness.

We are also introducing the concept of potty-training to him. It is pretty early, but we wanted to make sure we talked to him about the idea of it all in the Summer when he can pee outside and run around naked a lot, as well as before new baby arrives. We don't expect him to be fully potty-trained by December, but we are hoping to make some strides in that direction.

Saturday we went hiking up to Denny Creek and Rory got to hike, run, play in the water, and nap on the way back down. That little boy just loves to be outside, and after bed rest and quite a few months of exhaustion, I have to say it is so great to be finally getting back into the swing of outdoorsy things! We are hoping to do a big hike every weekend as long as the weather and new baby permit.




Speaking of new baby, I am nearly 18 weeks along - almost half way! Which is absolutely insane because I feel like December is years away. It is also crazy that I am not only showing, but have a baby bump. With Rory I was flat as a board until almost 20 weeks, although I insisted to Marko that you could see my bump if you were really looking...

Baby loves to dance, for the love of the land. The little one is constantly shifting and moving - visibly. One minute I have a huge bump and then next minute I have washboard abs, it's ridiculous. Play some loud tunes while I'm standing and you can watch my whole stomach change shape, it is the craziest things. While there is lots of movement, even movement you can see, feeling it from the outside is still not the easiest. I am excited for that, primarily because I can involved Rory and Marko in that portion of baby-amazement.

Baby is healthy with a good heart rate and in just a couple weeks we will do the big ultrasound to see the four chambers of the heart, lungs, kidneys, brain, etc.!!! I am so excited to see our little one who already exhibits so much personality. We have decided to not find out the gender, but will let you know how everything else turns out. And we are still brainstorming names so feel free to input...

Rory just woke up from his nap, came to join me on our bed, and is now sleeping again with his foot in my lap. The boy is a riot.

Naked Time

Sometimes you just need to be naked.

And shout at the airplanes.

Thee End.

Pirate Ships

There is something powerful about stopping to take the time to use your imagination as an adult. Especially when interacting with your kids. It takes new effort and energy you weren't even aware was necessary. I feel like I day dream and imagine quite a bit, but actually involving someone else in your imagination and being involved in theirs? Is a whole other talent that we really lose as kids. 

These are the characters: We have Buzz Lightyear, a Spiderman Pez dispenser, the Phantom, Aquaman, Batman, Simba, a knight, a bird, a ciuccio (binky), a strange wobbly bear, a weird green puppy, a sharp tooth and a spike-tail (we watch Land Before Time). The dinosaurs Rory will play with on their own, but the rest belong to the Pirate Ship - which is definitely a new kind of crew as far as I know. Buzz is Rory's favorite (we also watch the Toy Stories) and therefore the clear Captain of the ship. He spends his time at the helm or up at the top of the masts. The others have various assigned positions around the ship and are neatly tucked away below deck when it is time to put the ship to bed. Rory is very considerate of the crew members desires for sleep.

Rory loves to involve me in his games and I probably don't engage often enough, because "often enough" would ideally be always. Today we had naked adventure-time outside (at least, Rory did) and I just watched him move about and let him take me with him when he wanted to. It is such a gift to have the opportunity to dive into his world. He is so bright and imaginative, curious, with such a good sense of humour. I am constantly surprised by the blessings he pours out on me.

 

 I love this little big one.

Tinies With Littles

So, tiny living with littles.

It's honestly pretty great, but I get the reservations. I think most people assume people who live in tiny homes with kiddos are the Fishers from Away We Go. While I cannot deny Maggie Gyllenhaal's sweet style in this hilarious film (we cannot move forward in our friendship until you have seen it), I don't know many people like that. Which is totally okay with me. Seriously. I love and accept all forms of weirdness, but sometimes it's still weird.

But other than "hippie reasons" to have a small home, there are some awfully great parenting ones.

1. The smaller your space : The smaller the chase. Our house is a rectangle with the bathroom in the middle, making the rest of the space a "C" shape. This means that no, I cannot see Rory 100% of the time, but I can find him in 10 seconds or less. No baby gates or "play areas" in this house (not that those aren't totally fine, it just makes my life significantly easier, maybe it would make yours harder! No judgement here, man.), he can play wherever and whenever without being too far for me to check in on.

This. It's simple and adorable. I would probably lean away from the white toward the natural board look, but that's because too much white makes me feel like I'm in a hospital... or cell.

2. The smaller your space : The less you clean. Now, there is definitely some worry about clutter in small spaces and the fact that it can go from clean to disaster area is less than 5 minutes with the assistance of a determined 20 month old and project-oriented husband - BUT - I can vacuum my whole house in that same amount of time. Cleaning the bathroom (singular) takes all of 10 minutes unless we are doing deep cleaning. Sweeping? 3 minutes. Mopping? 5. So you have more time to play with baby! Or toddler... yikes.

My blog is called "Where In The World Is Malialani," if it's news to you that I like to travel... you are broken. I will post a picture of our maps some time, but this one is pretty neat. It is printed on a sheet and not the wall, so it can easily go up, have things tagged to it, and come down without much fuss or damage to your wall. Brilliant! It is also much more to scale than most maps... bravo. We spend wake-ups asking Rory where in the world he wants to go and he gets to pick a spot and we tell him a fact about that spot or make up an adventure. Maps + Kids = Wonder.

3. The smaller the space | The less crap accumulated. Let's face it? Most kids toys are unecessary. They play with them for maybe 10 seconds and then it's into the bathroom to destroy a roll of toilet paper. Parents in the US drop ridiculous amounts of money on toys that are thrown out or donated to Goodwill within 6 months. When you have less space to throw crappy toys into, you start to get very picky about which toys stay and which get to live at grandma and grandpa's house. How excited would you be if you could say no to toys you hate because "Oh! There's just not enough space for this gem, let's leave it with Nana?"

Also this! We've discussed my desire for 12 children right? And my desire for tiny living? Perfect... We often chat with our good friends about how many rooms you need for children and always end up with one for boys and one for girls. Less trouble that way... or maybe more trouble, who am I to know the future of my babies? ... Probably more trouble if they are my kids, regardless of how many rooms we have.

4. The smaller the space | The more creative the time. Maybe "more creative" is a little bit presumptuous, there is definitely a need for creativity with kids no matter the amount of space you have. With small space though? There is no "new room" to visit. Rory and I read a lot of books, play with a lot of toys, go on a lot of walks, watch a lot of movies, do a lot of yoga, play with a lot of magnets, color a lot of pictures - and it's still only 9:30am? WTF. Seriously though, you have to get really creative time management in a small space. It's good to do one thing in one area, like the living room, then move to the kitchen for a snack while you tidy the living room again to do a different thing there. The more often you tidy a tiny space? The less likely your child will be to get bored. And it has created the very strange but awesome desire in Rory to tidy with me, which is a fun game in itself. It might seem exhausting, but it's actually pretty simple because, again, there is less space and less stuff to tidy.

Built-in for an entryway. This is something I wish we had on the regular. We have a smattering of shoeboxes and coat hangers and shelves piled precariously next to our door, but it's so temporary feeling and just not exactly what I want.

5. The smaller your space | The more the outdoors call. Again "more" might be a bit of an exaggeration. But we are very lucky to live on quite a bit of land and Rory revels in exploring every bit of it. Climbing on old stumps, feeding the donkeys, walking through long grass, jumping in puddles - there is just so much for him to do. We also love to go to the park and run around, we usually bring his soccer ball and he just kicks it around for literally hours. Long walks are the best, Rory just marches forever. And then naps. The best naps.

And you obviously need this to describe living with littles in general... actually, I have needed this shirt for most of my life.

Jumping On The Bed

I remember sheet changing day to be the best day when I was younger. There is just something so appealing about a naked bed. It is so excellent for jumping and rolling around on. It is somehow significantly better than when there are sheets.

Rory has noticed it too.

There is some kind of magic about jumping on the bed. Especially a naked bed. And lately? I have needed that magic. I have been tired, so tired. And tired with a toddler is unlike any other kind. But just because you're exhausted? Doesn't mean life stops, does it? I have been overly needy of Mark, overly exhausted with Rory, and overly critical of myself this week. Magic of any kind is greatly needed.

So this week, I irresponsibly jumped on my bed with my son.

There are times when we just fail. Not in a big, Youtube video worthy way, just in little things. Like demanding my husband read my needy little mind, or getting cross with my sleepy teething 20 month old, or being self-critical of myself, my home, and my time management (or lack thereof). And when we fail? We need to just accept that we have failed and move forward. There is no starting over. Not really. There is only the realization that we have messed up and trying to do better next time.

Also, this.

Failure is a part of life. But it doesn't need to define life. When we ask forgiveness for our short-comings and move forward, a failure becomes just another experience. A teaching moment. Lord knows I have had a lot of a teaching moments, but as long as I learn from them? I think it will be alright. At least, I think that today. Remind me tomorrow.

For Long Walks With No Destination

Sometimes I get very busy with what I am doing.

I get so busy that I forget that my sweet little has the love-language of quality time and his own checklist. Where as mine might include dishes, tidying, and planting my new plants; His includes pirate ships, tickle fights, and a long walk with no destination.

If I am being honest, I often forget his to-do list. I feel like mine is full of must-happen-now! things and his is just there to accomplish afterwards, if we have time. But that's not really the case, is it?
If I refuse to prioritize Rory's list, what does that teach him about his self-worth and how to treat others? Nothing. I teach him nothing.

There's a balance to it, like with all things. Sometimes, mommy's things have to come first, like going to get groceries so the husband and baby won't starve. But other times, a lot of time, mommy lists can probably wait for pirate ships, ticklefights, and long walks with no destinations.

Because, let's get real, how long will he want me involved in his to-do list?

(Forever, obviously, but just in case he doesn't because he gets hit on the head by a meteorite or something...)

There needs to be some semblance of equality stressed. Rory's desires are just as important as my own. Neither one of us gets to just always do the things we want. That isn't how life works - at least, not a healthy one. I cried about this earlier this week - like a ninny - it was stressing me out to no end. I had my agenda and Rory wasn't working with it, Rory had his agenda and I wasn't working with it, and Mark was left confused as to why we were so frustrated with one another.

Balance. It's good for the soul. So this weekend? We are doing a mixture of Mommy ordained must-happens and Rory commanded if-we-feel-likes. And Mark is being very generous with us. Because he is the best husband I have. ;)

To Do List

Dear Mama, here is your "To-Do List"
Please do these things as they seem pleasing in no particular order at all.

Abandon the dishes, the laundry, the vacuum, the broom, and the mop.

Tidy up. Do not clean. There is a difference. Tidying means throwing things in the general direction of the place they belong so you don't get overwhelmed by the need to clean your house and you can appreciate all of the fun and beautiful things in the world and in your house.

Go outside. Let the baby wear his boots and his jacket and fall in as many puddles as he likes. Let him run. Take carrots, feed the donkeys (give Guinevere 2 and make sure Arthur only gets half, he's such an ass). Walk the full length of the drive at least twice. Pick flowers, take half indoors to put on the table and feed half to the goats (they will appreciate this a lot so stay away from Cosmo, he might pee). Soak up as much sun as possible, even if it's just through the flat grey clouds. Stretch your hands to the sky and wiggle your toes in your shoes. Get wet if it's raining.

Put on fun clothes. Clothes that make you love your body, comfy and loud, nothing like what's on the mannequins at the mall. Clothes that are not practical, but flowy and colorful.

Turn on salsa music or cumbia or anything that reminds you of Latin America. Mala Rodriquez, Winsin y Yandel, Salsa de Oro, La Quinta Estacion - it doesn't matter, just turn it up loud. Pick up the living room and dance. Baila, quierida. Do all those salsa steps you've forgotten but your body remembers. Move your hips. Life your arms above your head and let yourself go. Dance with your husband, dance with your baby, dance all by yourself.

Light as many candles as possible. Don't worry about how much they cost or if you are going to burn your house down or set the smoke alarm off. Make your house full of light so that you will be full of light.

Roll out your yoga mat, press your hands and feet into it and breathe. Do as many sun salutations as your body will allow, then do 10 more. Stretch and move and keep breathing. Turn on a class or do your own thing, whatever feels best in this moment.

Paint your nails. Go with black or green, french tips or just a clear shiny coat - it doesn't matter. Do it while the baby is sleeping so you can still pick him up later and show him your new nails.

Snuggle your little one. Give him lots of kisses, especially when he pushes you away. Play cars. Turn on his noisy giraffe. Read him books, even if he doesn't sit with you. Play 52 card pick up. Play it again. Give him "drumsticks" and a bucket. Play your guitar while he pounds. Let him play your guitar with you.

Read a book. Bake something sweet. Eat that something with no guilt. Make a fort. Write for awhile. Do henna. Drink a glass of wine two glasses of wine. Let your hair be wild. Kiss your husband, dance with him. Laugh a good belly laugh. Make dinner as a family. Eat it as a family. Sing to your baby and your husband. Sing just because.

Shut the laptop. Turn your phone on loud so you can grab it if someone needs to get ahold of you, then plug it in and leave it there. If you do pick up your phone, use it to take pictures and videos of you and your people. Silly pictures. Ridiculous pictures. Send those pictures and videos to friends who need a pick-me-up. Then put the phone down again.

These things are your priorities today everyday.

Chaotic, Turbulent, Excited Christmas

And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them at the inn. Luke 2:6-7

We paint a really peaceful picture this time of year with our nativity scenes; the trustworthy donkey and sleepy cows, gentle lambs and their shepherds, three wisemen and their gifts. This is the time for peace on earth, goodwill toward men, snow on pine trees and stockings over the fire. It doesn't matter that our blonde Mary and peaceful barn animals are unrealistic OR that the idea that there were only three magi and the idea that they were even there is just historically inaccurate OR that literally one half of the world is experiencing Summer rather than snow on December 25th, which is a solid 2 months later than Jesus could possibly have been born - because in our minds it's all so peaceful, serene.

Today on the radio I heard someone say, "I just picture Mary, so peaceful, grateful to have a place to put her baby." Now, perhaps Mary and I are different creatures entirely, but I cannot imagine this version of her. I cannot see her as peacefully allowing strangers to come gawk at her child right after she has been in labor for God knows how long. I cannot envision her being grateful that her sweet baby boy, the son of God, has to be put into a feeding trough.

What I do picture is a young woman of strength, who endured the terrible trek to Bethlehem at 9 months pregnant on the back of a donkey. I imagine her endurance when she and Joseph were turned away from the inn. I see her resolve looking at the stable like "This is doable, it will be okay, we will just tidy it up a bit, no problem, look at all this hay to make beds with! It will be fine." I see her bravery as she realized that she was going into labor in a barn.

If you haven't had the pleasure of experiencing labor pains, let me paint you a picture: it hurts. It hurts an impossible amount. And I mean impossible. Your whole body is in pain and you can't seem to remember what your body felt like without that pain. You are exhausted physically and mentally, everything about the process tells you that you cannot do it. You cannot make it through this - the epidural wasn't invented for the hell of it.

And you certainly cannot make it through this in barn. You cannot make it surrounded by animals who are probably less than calm with everything that is going on. You cannot make it when you need to make sure the hay you are laying on doesn't have animal feces because that might lead to an infection and at this point in history? An infection means death. There is no water to boil, no sterile instruments, no helpful nurse or doctor or midwife who has been through this before and can tell you what is next or what to expect. It is just you and your husband and the cast of Old MacDonald.

Do I think that just because Jesus is the son of God he somehow magically just popped out, no effort? No. That is ridiculous. He came into this world like all babies come into this world and it is not exactly "peaceful."

But it is worth it. Because suddenly the pain is gone, suddenly you are no longer worried about how you will make it through because you already did. And you are holding the fruit of your labor and he is perfect. His cry is not one of an angry 2 year old that can't have his way, but a muffled noise that is so precious. And this is the moment you can't imagine why it seemed so impossible only moments before.

I picture Mary looking at her perfect son, holding him against her chest and looking around at the scene and laughing. Because I would laugh. I would laugh at the stressed animals and messy hay. I would laugh at my husband's exhaustion from watching me be exhausted, his nervousness about being a father and plain talent for it. I would laugh at our lack and our obvious prosperity. I would laugh. There would not be a peaceful moment of quiet, but laughter amongst the neighs and snorts. There would be joy in that chaotic, turbulent, excited moment.

Because, what else could there possibly be?

Super Happy and Uplifting Stories

The blinking cursor is my enemy.

I literally have 9 drafts sitting in my blogger, waiting to be finished or edited or even begun. But I can't. I just can't. I don't feel like it. I don't want to. I don't have any desire to hit that publish button and let you all in on what I'm thinking, feeling, experiencing. For awhile I was too busy. Then I was too busy and too boring all at the same time. And then I was too busy and too boring and too involved in other things (I've overcommitted myself this Fall). And now? Now I don't want to talk to you anymore. Now I am struggling and I feel bad for not including you in what has been happening previously so why would I bother you with the negative crap?

But I'm going to.

Because the other day someone told me how much the loved and appreciated my blog.

-insert guilt-

So there's that. And I love to write and I am wondering if maybe, just maybe, much of what plagues me can be worked out on my keyboard. I've been reading a lot and it reminds me of why I love to write - because I love to read. Seriously, you should see my side of the bed. It is all books. Copious amounts of books. Stacks and piled and leaning and each one more desirable than the next and I just don't have time for them all which breaks my soul into pieces - book shaped pieces. But it also reminds me that I love to read because I love to write, and vice versa. They are the perfect little yin and yang that make up my ink stained fingers and hardback heart. So here I am at the computer again.

Wah wah.

Firstly, they are clear cutting around our house. Gross. It makes me want to move. It makes me want to pack our things and find some new house in the woods with goats and donkeys and chickens and coyotes and elk and all of the things. I do not live down a long gravel road so that I can have wide-open-clear-cut spaces around me. No. Just no. Trees are like my books. I want them around me. Lots of them. And when they are missing? I am incomplete. I just wander aimlessly or focus too much and too hard on stupid stressful things. Plus, my husband is like two trees away from becoming an eco-terrorist and I would really rather he stays out of prison. And I want my trees back.

Like, now.

So, I work for a church and our church is kind of small, which means we have 3 employees - *had. Our Youth and Children's Ministry Director decided to go back to school to get his Masters. This is a grand thing that I am actually quite jealous of! However, it also means that we have to hire someone new. We haven't yet. It's a long and tedious process and in the interim? I have kind of found myself in a leadership position with lots more responsibilities than I would like. This is not so much due to other people shirking their duties as it is me taking on responsibilities that no one else likes because otherwise, who will do all of the things?!?!

Needless to say, my life has kind of turned into a Circus - capital "C".

Like I said, I've been reading. Lots of things, but Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed by Glennon Doyle Melton specifically. I like her writing style, mainly because I feel it reflects my own, but also because her stories reflect my own. I was in tears by probably the second vignette. It might have actually been the first. Yes, because the book is sad, but not like a Nicholas Sparks novel sad. It's better than that. Deeper than that. It's sad in the way that real life is sad. It's sad like stubbing your toe after the worst day ever. It's sad like when you feel you don't love people enough. It's sad like realizing your kiddo is sick after you've been angry with them all day because they've been "whiny." It's sad like that. Which is the worst and best kind of sad. It makes you smaller, which actually makes you better.

That book makes me better.

Then there's the fact that I'm fat.

Well, kind of. Actually, not really. See, I had a baby and then that baby became a toddler and weaned himself and I lost weight and got skinny and I was super excited - except I didn't do anything, I just had a baby and the rest was science. So now I am realizing/remembering that in order to stay small or continue to get smaller, I have to work hard because I'm not 12 anymore. Yah. That's stupid. Why do 12 year olds get good metabolism when all they do is treat their bodies like crap? Riddle me that.

Anyway, my lazy self just wants to casually do yoga and continue to watch pounds shed like unwanted puppy fur in the Summer time. But it's Winter and I am not a dog, sooo... back to intense yoga and running. In the freezing. In the wind. In the rain. And I still feel fat most of the time.

And then there's Bible Study.

So, the youth group kids, you know, the ones who lost their youth group leader to University? They would like a Bible Study (did I already mention my life is a Circus?). And honestly? They need one. Because youth group is still kind of settling into what it looks like without a paid staff person and it's a little disastrous - definitely lacking structure, anyway. And the topics that the kids want to talk about? ARE AWESOME. They are so awesome. We have the best kids in our youth group. Thee best. I would challenge you to find better, more involved, more justice and civic minded students. All of them. From 2-20, they are amazing.

So now I am building a Bible Study and I thought I had a good grasp on what they wanted to learn - I was wrong. Or rather, I just assumed in the wrong direction. What do my very intelligent, civil servants want to discuss? All of the stuff every adult wants to hash out with teenagers - sex, abortion, gender equality, homosexuality, prayer... the list goes on. I'm super excited they feel comfortable enough to have these conversations with me, but seriously - CIRCUS.

Oh, also, poop.

Literal poop. Rory's poop is a constant conversation in our house because he struggles with his tummy and gets so upset when he doesn't feel well (as he should), but that makes Mama and Dada upset in turn. Because we want him to feel well and play nicely and snuggle, but he feels all gross inside and this leads him to be cranky on the outside. Every Circus needs poop, I suppose.

Aren't you so glad I gave you an update?

I know, you missed me.

And I missed you.

160 Hours of Totoro

The title might be an exaggeration.

Might.

Even Batman watches Totoro.

Rory just can't seem to kick this cold. Every time he seems to be gettin better, it gets worse again. And the only way to keep him relatively peaceful (he is called Roranicus Rex for a reason), is to give him his bottle of milk and put Totoro on. He is vastly uninterested in any other movie, but will repeatedly ask for and watch Totoro. He goes to the screen, asks, pulls the case off the shelf and brings it to you. If you ignore this request? He will try to open and insert the DVD on his own.

Oh, the hours of Totoro.

Classy.

Luckily, it does allow for some premium chore doing and he knows he is only allowed one Totoro viewing per day. Though we sometimes disagree on that point...

For awhile, I felt pretty awful about letting him watch it. You know, placating my child while I do my own thing. But it's such a good film. I never get tired of watching it either. It is good paced and simplistic, encouraging imagination while maintaining the normalcy of everyday life.

This morning we are watching our beloved furry friend in Mama's lap because we still don't feel well. And the chores can wait. These snuggly moments of watching children's movies will not last forever.

I will take them for as long as I get them.

A Lack of Commitment and Other Things

I have like six different drafts going.

I just can't commit.

We are trying to get Rory to sleep through the night. Kind of. It's essentially an epic battle. Two nights ago he screamed between 2:30ish and 5am. The boy has will power. Struggling to even just get him to be still, I just closed my eyes and thought "This is how God feels about me; Like, "Malia, STOP STRUGGLING, I promise I know what's best for you in this moment, just go with it - idiot."" This is comforting for reasons I can't even explain. It makes me love my son more. It makes me feel like I'm doing okay even when we've had an entire day of awful. But then there are moments like this one...
 

My son, like his mother before him, should have had bad eyesight. Because we look adorable in glasses, Amen. He's like a miniature Clark Kent in the flesh! He took them out of his Nana's pocket and tried to put them on his face and laughed. Oh! how he laughed. The boy is full of so much joy it makes me look morose. And I'm a gaggle of fun. Sometimes. Whatever, don't judge me.

Listen, being a mom to a dinosaur is difficult. We don't always see eye to eye - primarily because he's like 2ft tall, but sometimes because he thinks crying for three hours in the middle of the night is a good idea rather than sleeping. I should add, he slept until 10am following his disastrous wake up, so I think we all know who won that battle... him.

But you should hear the way he says my name. Clear as could be, "Mama." And isn't it worth it? To be covered in banana and see those little feet run toward you when you get home? I can't think of anything better.





Except Maybe This...

I Am Not A Pinterest Mom

Awhile back, I wrote on the Facebook wall of a friend from another era. Just a "Hey, how are you doing?" kind of hello. He asked me if I had beaten Pinterest yet. I wanted to kick him in the teeth.

Truth: I love Pinterest. It combines the two things I love most in this world after God, my family, and adoption: images and information. I am almost entirely visual. I cannot handle being told anything verbally unless I have a pen and paper. Pinterest beautifully weaves together my learning style and passion for knowledge into a blanket of lovely. If you scroll through my Pinterest you will notice that every single pin is my style of aesthetically pleasing. There are two notable exceptions: home school information (which pains me that no one has made a pretty graphic for all of it) and things I post for Marko. I have a problem.

I try every recipe I post.
I sew every clever project I pin.
I plan out every housing project I would do if only my pockets were deeper.
I create home school curriculum.
I honestly spend more time just scrolling through my own pins and admiring all the pretty images than anything else.
Except maybe the "Kiddo" tab.

 

Adorable.

And the Kiddo tab is my undoing. I consistently find pictures and stories that bring me to tears - happy or sad. It's ridiculous. But also found on the Kids tab are parenting articles. I'll admit (with extreme prejudice) that sometimes I find a blog that I find humorous or informative, but mostly it just makes me feel like a failure. My son is 13 months old and nowhere close to sleeping through the night - or in his own bed. We don't have a washer/dryer so we can't do cloth diapers (don't get me started, I fully understand how uneconomical and un-ecological disposables are). I tell him "No" more often than I would like. I get frustrated with him when all he wants is my attention because I want to get something done. I am upset because we live in a way that means I work part-time and I don't get to be a stay-at-home mom. I never actually got around to teaching Rory sign language. We didn't do any cute month-by-month pictures. And he ate peanut butter and strawberries before he turned one.

Lord help me.

I consistently forget to get my son breakfast before 11am. Sometimes he doesn't go to bed until 10:30 because I don't feel like making it a battle.When Rory throws a tantrum, I often forget to calmly explain to him the what and why and just throw a tantrum back. A "well balanced lunch" is regularly frozen blackberries with bread dipped in peanut butter and jam. I use sarcasm (in case you weren't aware) and realized yesterday that I have been actively trying to teach my one-year-old to throw things (plushy footballs, but still). I swear, I have little-to-no sense of time, I let Rory play with any tool that has no sharp edge, and enjoying watching Criminal Minds while he plays with his toys next to me.

I am winning no parenting awards.

Last week while hanging with my wonderful girlfriend, Becca, we were discussing what it meant to let God "love on you" and we came to the decision that it was a balance of accepting who God has made you to be and really living into that. The analogy I decided on was yoga (you're surprised, I know). In yoga, there is no perfect pose because the goal of each pose is actually to go beyond physical limits; putting your forehead to your shins is not the objective, the objective is to go through your shins into the earth - but that's impossible. You are constantly accepting where you are while striving to go further in yoga. And that's what it is like to let God love on you.

And that's what it's like to be a parent.

I have the perfect example laid out for me in scripture. A Father who loves me unconditionally, who calls me back when I have wandered, whose heart breaks when my own is broken, who forgives me all of my many many transgressions. And I will never compare. Not to the Pinterest Moms, and certainly not to God. But one of those is worth striving towards and one of them isn't. Some perspective is in order here. Who cares if I potty train my son in three days as long as he is unconditionally loved?

At this point, all I can do is pray for wisdom, strength, and have another cup of coffee. Because being a mom is never going to get easier - just different. And there will be one million voices telling me I'm doing it wrong, but there will always be at least one telling me even though I will always do it wrong, it's still worth trying.

To A New Mama

My sweet baby boy is now one; from breathing his first breaths, saying his first words, taking his first steps, throwing his first tantrums - it has been quite a year.

For this occasion, I wrote the Roranicus Rex, Destroyer of Worlds, a letter. But that is private. So instead, I will share with you what I would write to myself, one year ago...

Rory with his first Gelato Cone.

Darling and Blessed Woman,

This is it. You have been patient, at least, you were patient sometimes. You have have endured. You have been tried and tested; physically, emotionally, psychologically - some tests were easier than others. But this is it. That moment you have waited for. You, beautiful woman, are a Mama.

The little one you carry in your arms is your beloved child and you are his Mama. I know it doesn't feel real and you cannot believe that he is actually yours, but believe me? He is. Write down these moments, photograph them, but mostly just live in them. For as cliche as it is, your child will grow faster than you can grasp and you will never again have this second, this millisecond, with him.

Mama, you will get advice - so much advice. Some of it will be good, but most of it will be nonsense. You are the mama now, you make the decisions you feel are right. Trust your instincts. People will tell you that they "love this stage" and you will stare, open mouthed and covered in exhaustion from the night before. But be gracious, someday you too will be coveting the days before. Say "thank you" and move along. Time is the rosiest pair of glasses. Dear one, sometimes it will not be advice, but criticism. Know whose words to take to heart, and whose to let pass over you. There may be friends lost over such words, but there may be friendships strengthened through them as well. Keep heart.

Speaking of advice... Drink water. Carry that water bottle with you wherever you go, along with a string cheese. You won't realize you're hungry or thirsty until it is too late. And then you will be tired, grumpy, and still needing to feed your tiny one regardless.

Trust me when I say, it is okay to be frustrated. Sometimes you will not want to wake up at 3am. Sometimes it will be all you can do to not just put your fingers in your ears and bury your head in the covers. Sometimes, you will do those things. Say a quick prayer for patience, for calm, for love. Because it will not always be easy to just pour out love on a screaming little one, especially as he gets older. Practice doing it now. It is normal to get upset, it is normal to be frustrated, even angry! Don't blame yourself. If you need to take a moment away? Take one. That's what husbands are for, after all.

You will be overwhelmed, Mama, by the love you feel for this small inscrutable human. Tell him. Tell him everyday. Show him. Especially on the days you don't feel like it, especially on the days he yells at you, especially when he bites you, especially when he throws his head into his hand and screams because he cannot communicate.

Put down your phone, get off the internet, turn off the television. Spend time doing whatever it is he wants to do. Whether that is to tear all the books off the book shelf and hand them to you one by one so he can climb onto it, or run around outside eating the lettuce out of your garden. Encourage him to play by himself, but always be there to engage when he wants to play with you. Because there will be a day when he is no longer interested in asking you to join his fun. Show him how to help you do the things your doing, because he loves to do laundry with you and drawing is fun!

You were made for this, you were made to do this. It doesn't mean it will all come naturally, it doesn't mean it won't be so difficult it brings you to tears - it simply means that it can be done and you can do it. And yes, someone else might seem to be better at it, but they aren't you. They were not made perfectly for this child in this moment, you were. He will look like his daddy, but have your eyes. He will be strong willed and full to the brim of emotion! Just like his mama.

There is so much I could tell you, sweet new Mama, but I think I'll let you find the rest out for yourself. Pay attention, there will be so much!

With infinite love,
Malia

With Every Broken Bone, I Swear I Lived

My son is a darling.

A strong willed, vocal, stubborn, decisive, independent darling.

You're surprised, I know.

I love Rory. He is truly a blessing and he is so sweet and well-behaved for others. He is kind and likes to share, he loves to talk and laugh, and he is also bold and a risk-taker. But at 1:00am when I am up for the umpteenth time and he pulls my hair or screams at me? I begin to wonder if I am really cut out for this.

"A sweet and obedient child will enroll and father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more God-like yourself. With which child will you patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refines? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Lynn G Robbins

I have never heard of Lynn G Robbins, but I adore her already. I needed this. I needed the reminder that when people ask "Is he always this sweet?" my response needs to be one of kindness and truth - not begrudging angst about the night before. And the truth is that Rory is a blessed gift regardless of whether he is sweet all the time. He comes with angry sobs of frustration that he isn't big enough and needy nights, fevers that leave him a sweaty mess and dirty diapers, days where all he wants is to be held and many many growing pains. But I have this opportunity to experience a different kind of growing pain, a maturing that only comes with a child who tests you. And damn, does it ache.

Rory's real gift to me is not just his sweet smile or his laugh. It isn't the waving or "mama." It isn't the ability to watch him grow or know that I created him. It is the patience that comes at 3:00am when all I really want to do is duct tape him to the wall. It is the love that comes when he's screaming at me about I have no idea what. It is the laughter even though I haven't had a shower in three days. It is the appreciation of alone time with my husband.

I don't know what my life would be without Rory - whether I would "have more fun" or stay up later or if I would already be traveling or have more money or more energy or what. But I do know, my life is one million times better because I have him. I am one million times better. And I wouldn't trade all my exhaustion or all of my joy for my life before.

Dinosaur AND Ninja