24 March 2012


I am afraid of my generation. Sitting in a dark theater watching a wonderful novel spring to life on screen, only to be deeply disgusted and disappointed as the crowd around me bursts into applause as a character dies. This concept exists, dear mob, exactly because of this. This disgusting approval of "reality" television and lust for entertainment. We put value on pleasure instead of goodness. With our nonexistent relationships and our overt sexuality. Our need for addictions diagnosis, and medication. Our misappropriation of trust, love, passion and our vacant inclinations of wonder, awe, hope, joy. My revulsion to this day and age only culminates as each day passes. I am at a loss.

Some days I believe technology to blame and wish to rid myself of all of it. Oh! how I would love nothing more than a small cabin somewhere far into the woods where no one could find it. Laundry in a tub and bathwater heated by a fire. Hunting and gardening and no more thought to the rest of the world, except perhaps whether or not everyone has killed each other off yet. But then, I realize the joy and beauty of technology and how it is merely its misuse that injures my senses so.

I am growing life inside of me. A tiny human with eyes and ears and a mind to make sense of all those things which will inundate the little one as soon as it arrives. Is that what that child has to look forward to? Because I yearn for something more having grown up surrounded by all of this. And it is not what I want for my baby. This life, this place, these things? Are toxic. This world we wrap ourselves up in, our "first world problems," this is all repugnant. This cannot be why we exist.

My heart has known some of the most beautiful things, and still, there is so much heartbreak and affliction. I need more. This is not the life I was meant for, I was intentioned for so much more than this simplistic and all consuming self-appreciation. I can see the rest and it is gloriously and joyfully better! I seek that. I reach for that, and that alone. My life is an open book that will be written not merely by what makes me happy, but by what goodness I seek and help other to seek as well. Whatever goodness it may be. To lighten the heart without letting it cease beating is a near impossible task.