There are too many wonderful things I could gush about conerning being married. The cuddles, the sex, the shared bank account, the romance, the nerf gun fights, the coffee in bed, the home cooked meals because going out to eat is rape your wallet more expensive and not as delicious... the list goes on. But one of the things I think I enjoy most? Are the conversations. There is not a day that goes by that my beloved and I don't have a meaningful converasation about one thing or another. Politics, Religion, Ethics, Sustainability, Economics, Stereotypes - we cover the basis.
Mark is my best friend. We share everything with the exception of toothbrushes and other toiletries. When I've had thoughts rolling around in my head all day and want to bounce them off someone? He's who I talk to. When I have a bad day and need to be comforted? He's who I turn to. When I am struggling with some moral dilema or frustration? He is my voice of reason (or, occasionally, lynch mob). He is second only to God and there is no one on earth I would rather share myself with. I love our conversations.
We got married "fast." We became friends in April and began spending nearly every day together. Starting dating in May. Were engaged on August 1st and married in November. People took bets on how quickly our marriage would collapse, the confidence in us was overwhelming. Then we found out late December we were expecting, a marriage killer for sure. We didn't just dive in head first, we back flipped off a platform we weren't even sure was above water. And yet...
We went into our relationship with this exact conversation:
"I'm looking to get married, so if you're not? It was really nice to get to know you."
"Ditto."
It was never going to be a long dating or engagement process. We were intentionally getting to know every intimate detail about one another so that we could determine if marriage was the right step. Sometimes that process was more painful than joyful, other times the process was more fun than solemn. But it was always brutally honest. We filled eachother in on our histories and debated all the big issues about marriage, living together, kids, careers - and every conversation simply cemented our call to be together.
To say our marriage has been simple or easy would be an outright lie. Marriage is not simple and it is not easy. But none of the great things in life are. Mark and I have times when we are hurt by one another and we have teary discussions, but we believe in our love and our marriage. Sometimes I have a pregnant meltdown about whether or not he still finds me attractive as I steadily reach the size of a beach ball and other times he has a meltdown about whether is he doing enough for me and treating me like I deserve to be treated. And when one of us melts down, the other holds them close and reminds them of all the reasons they are loved, so loved.
playing footsy
Where we grew up you often hear that "love is a choice." I don't believe that. If love was a choice, it would never hurt you because you could simply choose to stop loving. The choice is choosing to stay. It's choosing love over anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred, even sorrow. But that is very different than love being a "choice." If your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/lover cheats on you - you still love them, that's why it is so unbelievably painful. But you are also angry, bitter, resentful, hateful, and heartbroken. It isn't that you need to choose to love them, you already love them, you need to decide whether you will choose your love over those other feelings. This is where relationships fall apart. We would rather hold on to those emotions which are raw in us, rather than the love that has remained steady in us.
We live in a culture that teaches us to throw away broken things rather than fix them. And occasionally we "upgrade," regardless of whether or not the thing we are upgrading has passed its expiration date. And we not longer create things to last, but rather to live to their warranty. How could we possibly expect our relationships to reflect anything else?
Marriage has become an almost counter cultural phenomenon, especially for young people. "Don't even think about getting married until you're 25, 30, 35..." - whoa. And even after we exchange vows, they are no longer "until death do us part," they are "until the feelings go away." Conditional love - appealing, isn't it? We say things like "I need to know who I am before I get married." Or there is a goal you feel like you need to reach before you consider "settling down," whether graduating from University, having a career, etc. But why? I agree, you should have an idea about who you are before you get married, but don't ever use that as an excuse not to get married because you will find more out about yourself once you're married than you ever discovered on your own. As for having a list of things you need to accomplish before you get married, you're just delaying the inevitable. Why not get married and do those things together? And "settling down?" Who says you need to settle down?! Marry someone likeminded and never "settle down" - that's Mark and my end goal.
All that being said, you should wait until you're ready to be married. How do you know? Well, I'm not sure that you ever really know. But marriage is about being selfless, so ask yourself - "Am I ready to be selfless? Or do I want more time to be selfish?" And be honest with your answer. Maybe you want to have more you time, an apartment to yourself, to go dancing up in the club with all them honeys (I'm embarassing, I know). Or maybe you're ready to put that other person ahead of yourself. To be clear, I do not mean that you should give up all your hopes and dreams and pour your soul into this other person - if you're marrying the right person, you should have similar hopes and dreams anyway. What I mean by "selfless" is that you share your soul and seek after those similar hopes and dreams together, but also that you are willing to give up some things for that other person. And they should do the same for you, there should never be onesided giving. This is, of course, complicated. I said marriage is neither simple nor is it easy. And there will always be bad examples.
I firmly believe that divorce is a sin. Now that I've dropped that loaded statement, let me say that it isn't worse than me lying to my parents as a 14 year old and I don't think you're going to hell if you have had a divorce. In fact, I even believe that you may have been justified in getting a divorce. Sin is something that hurts you and therefore hurts God because He loves you, one is not heavier than another. And no one can tell me divorce does not injure those involved. My theology could probably use work, but there it is.
I heard a story about a year ago from a woman whose father had been an abusive alcoholic but her mother had remained a faithful and devoted wife until the day he died. She talked about how growing up she had always thought her mom was weak and foolish for remaining with him, but as an adult she was greatful that her mom had shown her what a committment to marriage really meant. That was intense. And I'm honestly unsure how I feel about that. I don't believe you should stay in an abusive situation - not ever. But it was interesting to hear her speak on it.
My grandfather left my grandmother with six kids thousands of miles from home (military) for another woman. After my grandma moved back to Hawaii, that woman came to live with them until my grandfather got out of the service and could buy them a home of their own. My grandmother never changed her last name back and never even considered getting remarried. It is often speculated whether my grandma was weak, but I don't think so. She was amazing and believed that marriage was a lifelong committment, whether or not she was in it alone.
There is a couple I know who went through an infidelity and have remained married, which would be an amazing thing - except they chose bitter resentment rather than love and are still married out of obligation rather than respect. They are divorced at heart and I don't see a difference between that and paper. In fact, it may actually be worse because it is just keeping up pretenses rather than being honest.
Two of my dearest friends have been victims of terrible marriages that have ended in divorce. They both were single mothers for quite some time, but are now both remarried to amazing men who treat them as they should be treated. One of them told me "Second marriages are proof of love triumphing over experience." I think that's a beautiful statement. They each found someone who valued them and was willing to be selfless rather than selfish. And I see God present in those second marriages just as much (and sometimes more) than other first marriages.
Like I said, it's complicated. And I do not pretend to have all the answers. But I do believe that they exist as you seek them. And that every situation, God will lead you to an answer - it might not be one you wanted or expected, but it will be there. There is a reporter from a news show that Mark and I watch who got married at 19 and has talked a bit about being married and what it has meant to have gotten married so young. I really enjoy listening to what he has to say because it is so different from the norm we see in media today. He talks about how difficult it is to be finding yourself and growing up alongside someone else, but how it is also wonderful. He also talks about how so many 20-somethings talk about marriage with derrogatory language and how ignorant they are because they don't understand the joy they are missing out on. I couldn't agree more.
As for all you waiting for the right person to stumble into your life? I know your pain. Waiting sucks, patience is overated, and you have been ready for a long time. I get it, I do. I can tell you that it's worth the wait, but you already know that. I can also tell you that there is someone out there for you, but you probably already know that too. The only other thing I can even think to say is to learn to be happy on your own and stop looking for someone, which is just as difficult as it sounds. But the moment you truly stop searching for your future spouse and are truly content with who and where you are? That's when you will stumble upon them. It can't be forced, which sucks to hear, but is wonderful in reality. Nothing forced is ever truly good or beautiful. And know that I love you in the interim! Truly and whole heartedly.
