My crazy beautiful life. My crazy beautiful, amazing, astounding, wonderful life. Insert more positive adjectives here. I do not deserve this and I am reminded daily of that fact. Did you know I never wonder what my life would be like if it wasn't this? I thought that earlier this week and then tried very hard to imagine it, but I can't. I married my best friend, the best man I know who treats me like the precious child of God I am and constantly forget to be. I had a baby with that man and he is lovely. Full of unbelievable vivacity. My life is so precious I'm not sure what to do with it. Should I wrap it up tight? Keep it safe from all the dangers in this world? Or should I let it flow as it may?
I think I already know the answer to that question, but it's hard. So hard. I am tearing up even as I think about how blessed I have been and how unworthy I am of any of it. How do you accept so many gifts? Ultimate humility. The realization that nothing I can ever do could afford this wonder. Humility is one of those fine lines. You need to let go of your pride, but also your self deprecation in order to truly know the meaning. It's the perfect inbetween that so few of us will ever really experience, I know I struggle with it on a daily basis. Whether I am too sure of myself or too unsure, both are downfalls of humility. But I trust in a God who is greater than I am and capable of granting me the humility I so desperately need in order to live out this magnificent life given to me.
"We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain." Hebrews 6:19 - Rory Heleuma
I feel like the thing people say constantly to new parents is, "Enjoy it, because before you know it these moments will be gone." I appreciate the sentiment, except I feel like they say it because they think I won't enjoy it properly unless they remind me. I know how fast it goes. I see the little boy who was in my womb only 11 days ago and he is a pound heavier and 2 inches longer. Don't think I don't know how fast this is going, I am bitterly aware. And as much as I want to hold on to every fleeting moment? It is so beautiful how quickly everything passes. I relish every cry and diaper and spit up. I love to watch him learn and pay more attention to his surroundings. I don't think there is a moment when I am unaware of how quickly time is passing - tomorrow my tiny child will be a toddler and then get his license and suddenly he will be getting married and having a little one of his own. And it will be perfect in all its speed.
As always, I couldn't do any of this without my delightful partner in crime. 11 days ago, Marko had never held a baby. He had never changed a diaper, never been woken by a cry or a whimper, never consoled a child whose whole world was ending. He is now one of the most capable caretakers I've ever witnessed. He can swaddle and diaper change, unstuff a stuffy nose, convince a fussy little boy that he is fine, and knows when Rory wants to cuddle or to eat. He didn't just get into it, he threw himself into it. He still gets upset that he doesn't clean the house well enough and doesn't wake up enough times in the night despite the fact that I'm fairly certain if he did any more than he already does? He'd be both mom and dad. He teases me about feeding Rory Skittles and helps him do "pull ups." My wonderful husband is a wonderful father, but I'm not surprised. I love the three of us on the sofa or in the bed. I love that we are our own family, headed for beautiful and surprising adventures.
Heleumau'ilanihekilikahiaualepo'i means beautiful, generous, radiant, wave breaking anchor. These are the hopes I have for Rory and so he is named. And yes, Marko can say it.
I am healing well, very well. It's actually almost a bit frustrating because I'm still not allowed to do a list of things that I would love to do. My September 18th appointment cannot come quickly enough. Yoga and walks are my friends. I am excited to go running, but I don't want to do too much too fast and end up in bed for a week. My tiger stripe stretch marks don't seem to bother me nearly as much as the weirdly loose skin hanging out in a perfect doughtnut around my belly button. What is even stranger is that it doesn't feel like fat, it feels like a deflated exercise ball - which I suppose is a good thing, but still strange. Today is the day I try a handstand though! High Flyers, here I come. My post natal goals are big, but big dreams are just how I roll.
This is Rory, he thinks he's Popeye a lot of the time...