27 July 2010

Watch Me Burn Bright

"A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together"

more from this life
to eat with my hands
feel small beneath a mountain
dance to street music
laugh at nothing
experience my surroundings
watch the clouds go by
read until the sun rises
speak honestly
walk until i can't go another step
meet someone new
roll my rrr's
write down what i know
salsa tango mambo rhumba waltz
try to count all the stars
see every corner of this world
The best moments of your life are never the ones you plan or the moments that you imagine would be. Winning Prom Queen in High School, my first kiss, graduating... none of those even qualify. It's the nothings that turn into somethings, the everdays, the random spontaneous moments that are completely on accident when you find joy in whateverness instead of specificities. It's important to appreciate everything - even the bad things. Afterall, "When the sky is darkest, you can see the stars."

The first time my baby brother told me he loved me after a year of  hell. Right before Jade left for Georgia and we all laughed until we cried. Driving alone down I-5 between Oregon and California at 1am with a broken radio. Trying to keep all three triplets on my lap as we all play the piano. Kawai and I singing at the top of our lungs in the car to bad 90's music. Sitting on the swings with Wendee. Running around the living room with Noah and Zo. The 24 hour bus ride to Cusco. Talking religion with ZBear on my bed until we fell asleep. Holding my Godparents after finding them at Creation on accident. Practically living with KGeiger while we finished senior projects. Getting coffee with Tao the morning after in Cusco. CD Shane driving to Bellingham from Chicago cause I had a nightmare. Screaming at the World Cup Games with my dad. Being bought whiskey by a really drunk Welsh guy none of us could understand in Barcelona. Walking my feet up the slanted ceilings when I was 6. Ignoring my 20th birthday with Alexis. Giggling with Kendall in a French hotel room until Hipolito demanded we shut up - in his silk heart boxers. Long conversations I had with a random man in Ashland. Learning to draw with my Aunt Linda. Photoshoot days with Wesley. Spontaneous limo rides with CD Shane. Napping on a surfboard in the sun. More...

There is so much possibility in life. Take it.

19 July 2010

The "More" In Life

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..." :: Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert

It's strange to think I have spent much of my youth, teenage years, and young adult life trying to express the concepts and ideas that this woman has written in her novel. To search the world looking for yourself? Me. To find peace and bliss and love in things that you never would have thought to look in, or at times exactly where you were looking all along but even simpler than you could have imagined? Me. I feel as if, perhaps, I could stop my chatting and just hand people over this book. Not quite my life, but she sums up so much of what I can never seem to get through to people. And her words are now being put on the big screen with Julia Roberts portraying her in her life story... makes a girl wonder. Mayhaps I should be writing more, better. And sending it off to those who can put their grimey capitalist hands all over it, making me... famous? Rich? Better? Nahhh. Able. Making me able. Able to tell my story, and not just my story but other peoples stories. Able to give back to the communities and the people that took me in and loved me as one of their own. Able to continue to grow in worldwide communities. Able.

I have a concept that I'd like to share with you, with the world. But it's not ready yet. I need to continue to work on it, smooth it over, get all the kinks out. But it is the first thing in a long while that has made me feel as though I am moving toward my purpose. So often we find ourselves struggling, looking for something more than what we are given and than what we have. The "more," whatever it is, haunts us. It's in the face of our failures, our "what if's," and even in our successes. Pressing us to work harder towards the next thing, the next success. We search for the "more" avidly, desperate and heart broken when we cannot quite put our finger on it. I, personally, am finding it is less in myself than it is in the world around me. It was on the highway in the middle of the night between Southern Oregon and Northern California. And again at the Gorge in Eastern Washington. It was hidden in the little streets of Cusco, in the deep setted valleys of Sacred Valley. The "more" was in the vast expanses of Peruvian landscape stretched before my eyes from mountain top, bus window, or edge of the road. It was in the busy sidewalks of New York City. And again as I stood in the center of the Library of Congress. I saw it in the hillsides of Tuscany, there in the fields of Sicily, and in the mountains and cliffs of northern Italy. It struck me in the sunshine of Barcelona. It glances off the side of Mount Rainier and the view from Black Butte. The "more" is here with me in the skies of the Champlain Islands. It is there in everything that I see. I'm finding the "more" that we all search for has less to do with ourselves than we could imagine, and yet that makes a perfect sense. I am now working on how to share what I have learned with the rest of the world. With the rest of you.

I'm finding calm. Slowly but surely, it's creeping upon me. Never standing still, but that calm that comes with knowing things will work out regardless of the situation. Before it was more of a nonchalant uncaring attitude about the future but as all things do, that is changing. I hope I am continuing to encourage and inspire as I write this nonsense. Once upon a time I did such things, then I disappeared. Too ashamed really, that I was not the person I thought I should be. I realize now, I was always the person I should have been. And I am even in this moment continuing to grow and make realizations. To love, learn, laugh and discover love, learning, and laughter in all things. Finding the beauty in them.

Find beauty. Tell me about where, I'd love to share that with you.

With love,

16 July 2010

Home Where The Heart Is

It's been awhile. I have no excuses for my lack of blogging, not really. Actually, I've written quite a bit over the past couple weeks or so, seeing if I could accumulate enough material to make up a magazine and keeping updates recorded in a small journal I keep for myself. I definitely could create a magazine or at least some type of newsletter, the real question is whether or not I could sustain it financially or whether I have the self discipline. Anddd computer access is also an issue, but I am sure I could figure that piece out if I truly wanted. I could make time to find a resource.

I think the real reason I haven't written in so long is that I am torn on a fairly crucial issue - my future. The nonplanner is becoming antsy and difficult again. What's worse is that it isn't only affecting my blog efforts, but also my job and contact with other human life forms ((and the occasional alien, but whatever)). That's all I'll say at the moment, I need time to figure this one out on my own I think. I have sought out the opinions of others and they have helped greatly, but what I really need is prayer. What you believe is irrelevant, it's what I believe that makes me need it. That too is an entirely different topic...

Resting on my heart lately has been several things, so let's get to them. This blog is about me being the honesty I want to see in the world and I have been avoiding honesty ((and blogging)). Not lying, just evading the need to address my truths. Fair dinkum.

1. Check out this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuaavycxU1Q
An oldtime favorite band of mine hooked up with an oldtime favorite artist of a different band and this is their new hit single. It's one of those songs that just hit me. I was driving when I heard it for the first time and I just... melted into the music. I'm that kind of person, I can just meld with a song. Like a chemical reaction, sparks and bonding and something new emerged. It made me think about how much I need to be doing for this world that I cherish so dearly. Existing is not enough. Existing at a bare minimum is not enough. Living green, blogging, preaching to those who should know better? Not enough. My time and sweat and blood is required. I am required. And I am not giving my all. So selfish am I to cling to comfort, when the world around me is full of things I can change. I can't just be the honesty I want to see in the world. I need to be the change, the beauty, the love, the awe, the wonder, the all that I want to see.

2. Visting the Pacific North West was amazing and I am so glad I went, but it has made me miss my friends and the life I had there. Not that it wasn't a wonderful life, it just wasn't healthy for me. My friends and family were all supportive and fantastic, but I wasn't healthy for me. I settled into my little bubble and just let the world bounce off of me when I should have been seeking out the things, the places, the people I let slide by my radar. Every object, every place, every person has a story and it is on me to hear them for myself. To let them go unheard would be an injustice in every sense of the word.

As for writing, I have been on top of that. I'm writing some kind of travel journal that is getting to be quite long and really kind of fun. Hey, maybe it will be that book I am always starting and promising to write. Who knows, keep your fingers crossed for that one. Think of all the charities that could benefit from book royalties! I could even start my own! And combine it with (RED) and TWLOHA and PostSecret and all my other favorite nonprofits! Eek! ... Okay, mayhaps I am getting a bit ahead of myself.

I think that is all for now, but stay tuned. I promise to be back soon.