23 August 2011

And We'll Disappear

This. Won't. Make. Sense.

This is where the roses live.


And if I had one sleeve, I'd be happier than I would with two.


Photographs can document far more than you mean them to.


Sugar sugar.


Tell me, when did you know for sure?


The bridge is across more than just the expanse.


The outcome is obvious, it's the journey you have to consider.


Cool like cream, smooth like ice.


Which day would you like to know best, I've got one for each.


I'll write code for my life and rattle it out like a machine. Machine.


The breakdown of the breakdown - simple.


Things fall, together.


And here now.


I'm done looking, the picture frame isn't empty here. I don't need a mirror when the reflection is apparent. There's nothing more to say besides, hm!

20 August 2011

Take What You Need

This should be interesting. You might be a bit surprised, but then you no what I know. So now what? Indifference is injustice and I am angry. We should be better. We should know to be better. And we are not. I am infuriated and my voice is too light which makes me as guilty as the next. The future is in front of us and we are abusing it. We are ignoring it. You need not grow up to be responsible and apparently you need not be responsible to grow up. I am disgusted. And this is a less than reputable venue to voice my opinion.

I have a new hair clip. Flower. Red. Gifted to me by someone who knows my heart better than even I do. To see the world from a child's perspective makes you a bit short, but not short of anything important. To live in a fairy house and receive joy from the little things. Pens all in a row, rainbow. Each moment more enthralling than the next, but knowing enough to know better. Oh excitement! Oh joy! Oh wonder and love! To be a child. This is how I want to see the world. This is the whole world available to you.

I'm lying beneath the stars and I am between your arms. There by your heart. I hear it and it comforts me. Two Six Eighteen. Tell me what the pattern might be. There's not much to be said for sitting alone, except to be brought a sandwich. I'd rather write with you next to me. Sweet dreams are made of these. Is this where the breakdown in communication happens? Because I don't see it. Self is the destroyer of unitedness, so say the wise. I can't claim to be wise, but I know this to be true. Seek out that which unifies, put value on something beside merit.

Blindsided by the maybe. Hold tight to all that's good, all that's real. But then, what is? One will make you big and one will make you small. Those are your options and the cakes both taste the same. This is beyond the edge of everything else, but before you reach the end. Day dreamy little girl, I burn feverish at night. Not hungry, not thirsy - there isn't anything you could offer me. I could never be bought, child. Keep yourself at attention or you might miss this next bit. Boom. This is the mashup, rap songs and screamo, operatic pop melodies. This is all you get, it won't sound like what you thought. Once you know this truth, you won't remember the noise you thought was your anthem.

I want it all - isn't that the truth, sweetheart? I've heard this whispered in dark corners behind dirty hands before. This is the theme of those who see without understanding, sing it loud. Brush the water off your shoulder, the drops should just glance off your skin. There's nothing soaking in the way you'd like. But that makes for a much more interesting stage. Unappreciated are your vain attempts to grasp the attentions of those around you. Was there something important that you wanted to share? Some things are better kept to yourself. For ever is the silence that is worthless words formed by needy lips.

Soft serve ice cream. White sprinkles are always the sweetest, something about the dye dies the taste. Piano forte, and yet isn't it still softly served? Animals behind bars and glass windows, aren't you just another creature caged. Looking out over the vast expanse of pavement and steel from your glistening tower tops. You don't really have control over the world you see. It's just motion that you feel like you've set into play, but it doesn't belong to you. Does anything belong to you? And if it does, what purpose does it serve? Where do you find solace - here in the middle space. Distracted by the caffeine and cold starlight against the window. Yellow only looks warm.

Painting the carpet with decent pastels. The way it looks is as important as you'd like. Choose. Write your list of priorities or it will write itself. And then where will you be? Courage and enthusiasm, maybe. Love and perserverence, definitely. Winners write history and I'm certainly not one of those, but I'll take the pen in my hand regardless. There is something to be said for perserverence. It's easy to be courageous when you can see Dragons. It's impossible to perservere when you can't see what you're fighting, still, it must be done. I've outrun much of what haunted me, only to turn and defend myself. It's been said a thousand times.

Enjoy the show for what it's worth. Expect nothing more than what you're shown, but hold hope in high esteem. Do you deserve anything? No. But you should demand it. And I will push you to that end. Sway in time and hope it is more than you think. Asleep. That half state between alive and dead. Dreams live here. We run from them or embrace them, but where do they belong really. Just belong. Don't try to wake me in the morning. Open to the world, love is hard. All kinds of love. There's more at play in this life than just romance. There is so much more. Sing to me.

17 August 2011

Something Small

It's the beginning of the end. The end of the beginning. Whichever, something is happening. It's a simple concept. Love is hard. I like it that way, between you and me. It's not always easy, but I wouldn't say it's a choice. I couldn't say it's a choice. I already have my one, I already have my two, I could keep counting but why bother? I'm in the sunshine. I am in the brook. My toes are between sparkling water and my hands are fiddling with blackberry bushes. A scratch here and there and purple all over my fingers.

I'm learning a lot about prayer. But more about listening. It has a little to do with patience, a little to do with love. A whole lot to do with ignoring myself, which sometimes means paying attention. It's backwards, but that's the way it should be. If it made sense, it couldn't be true. Isn't that the way of the world. We'll light a fire to keep us warm. Falling stars and all the rest I've forgotten to mention. I always make wishes for other people. I know not what I'd wish for myself.

They're all so precious, like stones or gems. But more so than even that, more so than any of that. What is in a human life that makes it worth so much. It breaks your heart and sooths your soul all at once, never seperate. Hold tight, this is the new knew. Love. Pour forth and never let it cease. Incontinuity ruins all that could be continuous. That should be. I want them to know, to absolutely and completely know. To be aware of the affection held for them, of the esteem. How can I make it more apparent! My eyes are already welled up and my heart spilling over. Over over.

Low expectations and a fiery imagination is how I break things down. I have a hunger for things that won't satisfy and a thirst for that which cannot be quenched. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not what you like to see on paper, and in person it's not much better. I know that I bring something no one else can offer, you'll have to see it for yourself. There is white linen and a chain of roses I made, just hanging on my way. I'm not worried, I'm excited! But it's quiet and calm.

Not typical, but I'm not sure anything else would be appropriate. I don't have any answers right now, nor do I have a direction for you. I have more than that, so much more that it weighs me down as I spin in circles beneath the sun and between the music notes. Joy! to all that is and will be. I don't have enough words, I don't have enough sentiment. Just hope that you feel my meaning. This is more. Or less. Perhaps I don't even know what I'd like to express. Only that I wish to express it.

Love love love.

06 August 2011

Go And Pack Your Bag

This is today. Gray skies and mild pain that I ignore. I'm on the edge of something great here and I can't wait to take that leap. I complete no one, but am complete. This is how riddles begin. If you shut the door with the music up, it acts only as a muffler of the muffled sound. I'm thrilled to tell you all about how much I don't actually know. My life is built with broken glass that has been melted back together, each piece mixing in with the next. Not unbreakable, by any means, but a beautiful medley of who I've become. Have no regrets, only experience. This is where the healing lives.

Sunburst. I'm glad to have a pen in my hand and scissors and a tank top. This is mine now and I'll make it my own. Soon I won't have a mine, I'll have an ours. I think I like that better. In fact, I'm sure I do. It seems inconsequential, those 45lbs of glossy paper. And I'm thankful, but not glad. I think this is the beginning of much of that. But none of this belongs to anyone else and so it shall remain. I'm low maintenance and I never intend on being anything else. That cabin by the river is just perfect. Not my future - ours.

Imagination is a funny thing, you can never quite live up to it. But you know reality is good when your imagination never came up with anything this amazing. Four letter words tend to be a cop out, and while this one isn't, it still isn't enough. But we'll have to make do with what we have. I'll write on the walls with my fingers and press flowers into the floor boards. I'm not the type of woman to just sit back and wait around. I want to be a 2:18 and I want to do it well - but only for two.

I'm dancing in my living room, not for long will it be. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and kiss my shoulders, first right then left. I never said I was anything less than odd. I'm happy. Not just in this but in everything. I'm full and it has nothing and everything to do with me. Braided into the perfect shape of joy. Cursive tends to be my motif. My hair is disheveled and flopped as it pleases, I couldn't care less. There's a beautiful word in a language I can't remember, it will explain everything now that I've forgotten it. This way, that way, anyway.

I love you, I love you, I love you. A million more times is it said. And I would be rich for every penny rained from Heaven if it rained on you and I. Our names next to one another is what I like best, it's what I love. And I don't want anything in the inbetween, you and me together we could do anything, baby. You and me together, yah, yah. Just resign to it and smile. I love you, I love you, I love you.

03 August 2011

Engage Me

I've been set up. Bamboozled. The wool was yanked over my eyes. I had a fast one pulled on me. I've been tricked, mislead, and swindled. I've been taken for a ride and hoodwinked. I'm befuddled and confused as to how I got here, but I'm sure I was hornswoggled. It all started when I was called home, when I felt drawn back here to the place that had previously filled me with fear and doubt. With hatred and anger and, quite frankly, disgust. But I returned to Maple Valley as I was called, and here I am.

First I met Jimmy Creek, a funny name for a funny young man. He stood awkwardly outside of the reception tent and I awkwardly approached him to make conversation because it's who I awkwardly am. We hit it off and now call one another soul maytes, you know, maytes in the way that Australians mean it. Then there was Lindsey Watson, the baby sister of boys I went to High School with, and her boyfriend Chris Bunn. Fun loving, easy going - they were all easy enough to befriend. The Scoop was reformed and we all started to meet. My favorite books are Ecclesiastes and Revelations, I hate Paul and I love the old testament - "Malia, do you know Mark Dullanty?"

I knew you in High School and I never much cared for you, you were always a bit of a douche. You knew me in High School and you never much cared for me, I was always a bit of the same. The constant insistance that we should hang out and all we could do was scoff. I came to Mars and you decided maybe I wasn't all that bad, I decided you were still a douche but I loved all your friends and I wasn't about to let them fall by the wayside because of it. Then Mexico came and I didn't mean to go, but God placed me there (yet again). And it was there in the dirt that we created a spark of friendship that would lead us places we never imagined.

It was San Diego that changed my mind about you, in the car after getting your nose repierced. You tried to keep a straight face and you couldn't manage it, I don't know that I had ever really seen you laugh like that before. I realized what an amazing friend you are, even if you pretend not to be. From that day forward, I'm not sure there were three days in a row that we didn't spend doing something. Whether it was cheese and wine night or comic movie marathons, gabbing about Pauly Shore or art or cooking, sustainable living and south of the border... and somewhere along the line I came to care for you. I remember the night, I fell asleep in your lap. I had a nightmare and I may have even shouted. It scared you, I remember you asking if there was something you could do. I didn't want you to touch me, because if you touched me it might comfort me and then our friendship would change. I didn't want that, I told myself a million times I didn't want that. And then, less than a week later we made the decision we were dating.

It was terrifying, really. I was so sure it was going to end up in tears and disappointment like so many other things. But you had become my best friend, and what is better than marrying your best friend. You were there for me in the best of times and the worst. You sent me sweet uplifting text messages or just called to tell me something funny. You were always upfront and honest with me, you challenged me and accepted me for who I am. You made sure that I was always comfortable and yet you were always pushing me to be the best version of me. I fell in love with you. It was slow, slower than you, I think. But it was always real, more real than I even dared to hope for.

We talked about getting engaged, I knew you were asking my parents permission. We talked about how we want to save and only buy a wedding ring. We emailed about a house and we signed our names "mark and malia" - all lower case, because only adults capitalize. But, all the same, I wasn't expecting it. I didn't see it coming. You started to tear up and asked if I would add another name to mine, I couldn't even say yes. I started to laugh and cry all at the same time and I felt ridiculous. You asked again if I would marry you and to my great suprise, I could finally manage a yes. A resounding and overpowering yes.

We haven't been together for long and we are young and we make mistakes all the time. But you know me and love me for exactly who I am. And I know and love you for exactly who you are. There is nothing I would love more than to be your two. There is nothing I would love more than having coffee every morning and falling asleep next to you every night. There is nothing I would love more than being broke with you because we refuse to buy cheapy food. There is nothing I would love more than to read the Bible and watch old cartoons. There is nothing I would love more than to flip through old comics and graphic novels and go grocery shopping with you for the rest of our lives. There is nothing I would love more than Pauly Shore marathons and laying in the sunshine. There is nothing I would love more than to be called your wife.

It wasn't romantic in a Hollywood sense, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I love the $.25 ring that is on my finger until we actually get married. I love the white gold nose ring and that we want our ceremony to be like 15 minutes long- tops. I love that we want kids to come to our wedding and that we are planning it together. I love that we are more excited about the marriage after than the actual getting married part. I love all of it and I love you. I am so excited for our life together. I am so excited!