Oaxaca

Vagabonding now is different.

Much, much different.

Oaxaca is beautiful. The colonial feel of the cobblestone mixed with the brightly colored buildings and edgy street art on every other corner is something so very different. Our neighborhood is old, but seeing a revival of sorts. We have a lavanderia, a tortilleria, and, claro, a barbershop bar called Barberia Krampus. You read that correctly - a barbershop where he does haircuts and close shaves and you can have a cold beer. There are coffee shops, a wood-fire pizza restaurant, an organic grocery and cafe, and more. Our apartment is nice, furnished, and the perfect mixture of small enough that we can always see our mischief-making son but still have separate rooms. We are trying to live in this small corner of the world.

"And there are a new kind of nomads, not the people who are at home everywhere, but who are at home nowhere. I was one them." Robyn Davidson

Everything is an adjustment. We are acclimatizing, getting used to, transitioning. And it is so different this time around. This time I have to account for a husband, for a son, for a daughter. For nap times, for feeding, for snacks, for toys, for time outs, for bad behavior, for good behavior, for language school, for homework, for playtime, for sunscreen, for sunburn, for bug bites, for owies, for water, for bedtimes, for all of the things.

The weather is hot. The Spanish often goes over my head. The time zone change, the culture shift, the food differences, the apartment hunting, the street vendor browsing, the taxi driver conversations - these are all things that I know, that I love. But it is a different world when you have a family. If it were just Marko and I, there would have been changes, but they would have been minimal. But a family nomadic lifestyle is an entirely new world.

I am slower to absorb this culture shock than I have been to others.

It is hard to figure out how to best go about immersion when you have to tote around a little red headed girl who can't walk. It is hard to imagine browsing in a mercado when you have to worry about your two year old disappearing into the crowd. It is hard to keep track of snacks and of meal times and water bottles when it's not just your stomach that informs you of the need. It is hard to think about which papers and which toys you will need at the immigration office in order to best satisfy the government and your two year old. It is hard to wear your four month old daughter in 30 C heat.

It is much easier to prioritize in familiar place with familiar people and familiar things. But it is, for me, much less rewarding.

Yuriko, Cynthia, Juan, Delfino, Rosi, Jomas, Eduardo, Pedro, Rosa y Lola - this is the beginning of community. It takes time to build, it takes hard work. It is inconvenient, it is exhausting, it is frustrating. But it is worth it. And it is better to do with a family. They create opportunity, both to explore and to rest. They create a loving safe space to be yourself in. They provide moments of the utmost love, joy, frustration, anger, hope, laughter, strife, wonder. And I am so glad to be here with them.

I couldn't do it without them.

Toddler Eats

So, we primarily make all our food from scratch. We have always been pretty "granola," but after reading 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker? Our cooking from scratch increased dramatically.

Most of our purchases are "whole foods" - meaning our grocery list is primarily organic fruits, veggies, and bulk items with some milk, eggs, cheeses, and meat on occasion. We bake our own bread products and try to avoid things that come "ready made." However, just because that is what we primarily purchase, does not mean I am not above purchasing Annie's on a week where our lives are crazy (or when I am desperately craving cheese powder on mediocre noodles). And if my favorite organic wraps have a sale sticker slapped on them? I buy two or three. If we are out and about, I try to have snacks on hand, but the world doesn't end if we stop at our local coffee shop for a chai tea and bagel.

On top of being kind of obsessed with clean eating and the like, I am cheap. Partially because I just am, but mostly because we are on a tight budget. With Mark and I working part-time jobs, fundraising, a toddler, and another tiny on the way? We are having to great creative with our spending - or rather, our not spending.

So, what to do about food for littles while still attempting to be a frugal-whole-foods-er?

I should preface this with the fact that I am blessed with an eater. But here are some of the things that are regularly lying around my house in small dishes.

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Roasted Chickpeas

I buy chickpeas/garbanzo beans from the bulk section, which is unbelievably cheaper than from a can, but it also means you have to soak them at least overnight before they are ready for cooking.

Take 1 cup or so and soak in them in 3 cups of water anywhere from 24-10 hours before I want to cook them.

Next day drain the water, pay them dry, toss them on a cookie sheet with edges or in a glass baking dish (so they are lying flat and not stacked) with a little olive oil, mix them around with your choice of spices. We do a little salt, pepper, and cayenne because my crazy son was born to live in Mexico, but cinnamon sugar is really good, or you can go with curry powder, chili powder, and turmeric or any blend of spices that you love.

Then throw them in the oven at 350F. You have to keep an eye on them, especially if you are soaking and not using canned chickpeas, because they are all different sizes and depending on how long you soaked them. But just occasionally check and stir them around and eventually they will start to look golden brown and if you pop one in your mouth (careful, very hot) it should be crunchy - like a corn nut!

Once they are done, just put them in tupperware and they keep for awhile - at least, they keep for about a week. I couldn't tell you if they last longer than that. My son gobbles them.

Fresh/Frozen Fruit/Veggies

When it's in season, fresh fruit is the way to go. Lots of good for you things and it's sweet! So you don't really need to spend too much time trying to convince your kiddo to chow down. We are lucky enough to live somewhere that has a pretty decent fruit season, so I purchase as much as I can and then freeze what we don't go through. Peaches, nectarines, berries, figs, pineapple, mango, etc. all hold up pretty well and are a nice cold treat.

Carrot and celery sticks are great, grape tomatoes cut in half, corn, snap peas, bell peppers - Rory likes to dip in ranch/other salad dressings, but he also will just eat them if there is no dressing available. Rory also really likes frozen peas and corn. I cannot for the life of me tell you why. Try it on your children?

Dehydrated Everything

We went big this Summer and purchased a dehydrator. We are semi-obsessed with Laura Miller, Sidesaddle Kitchen, and Raw Vegan Not Gross - so a dehydrator was definitely in our line of thought.

Now?

Dried bananas, pineapple, mango, and plums! Zucchini, kale, sweet potato, and squash chips! Jerky!

Rory is a big fan of all of this. Some fruit for his sweet tooth, some crunchy for his veggies, and the kid absolutely adores jerky.

We have not had a lot of time since the arrival of our dearest kitchen appliance, but I will let you know how further recipes turn out. I am very excited to try Not Chicken Nuggets. It's on my to-do.

Sweet Potato Fries

Cut up a sweet potato or yam (it doesn't matter). Toss in a glass baking dish with olive or coconut oil. Add salt if you want. Throw in the oven at 350F, occasionally mixing around until they are how you like them - for softer, take them out sooner and for crispy, wait a while longer.

Toast, Half Sandwiches, and Other Bready Things

Like I mentioned, we make our own bread. So it doesn't concern me for Rory to munch on toast. Our favorite place ever, The Grainery, has so many options it will make your head spin. We actually considered getting a wheat grinder and just purchasing organic wheat stalks. Then we decided we probably didn't have the time...

If you feel like you don't have the time to bake bread? Get a bread machine. 5 minutes of your time and 3 hours later you have a fresh baked bread loaf. Don't have a bread machine? Put an ask on Facebook. People just don't use them for some reason and are more than happy to get rid of them. I got two before I even knew what was happening. I use it once a week - maybe twice in one day if our menu for the week is kind of bread heavy or I want to freeze a loaf for a busier week.

Avocado toast - toast + mashed avocado + a little salt & pepper if you want.

Egg salad sandwich - piece of bread + egg salad (hard boiled eggs, mustard, a little olive oil, salt & pepper) + some lettuce chopped up into small bite sized pieces.

Melted cheese - piece of bread + cheese (+ sometimes we do a little onion) in the oven on broil till melty.

PB&J - piece of bread + peanut butter + jelly

Braided cheesy bread - Mark makes this, I will find out the recipe at another date. Cause it is magical.

Omelet Bites

Make an omelet! Put all your favorites in, whether it's just cheese or one million veggies, but make sure it is thicker and holds together well so you could pick up a bite with your fingers. Then cut it up and serve it to the small one.

Pumpkin Pie

Yah, you heard me.

Lessen the sugar and make your kiddos pie. I have two in my fridge right now, thought I will admit they were definitely not made from scratch. I needed to get rid of several things in my pantry... But pie, especially Pumpkin Pie is a great way to get them some great vitamins. I am determined to find the perfect from scratch recipe this Fall - I will let you know how my quest goes.

Saimin

So, saimin is like top ramen but from scratch and 100x better.

Veggie stock, saimin noodles, and whatever veggies you so desire (leeks, carrots, celery, and bell peppers are my go-to) all thrown into a pot until the noddles are done. Then break an egg into the boiling water, turn off the stove, and stir it up with your spoon to get that awesome Asian soup egg that my husband literally cannot seem to accomplish. Maybe you just need to have it in your blood? Add salt and pepper as you so desire. Drop in ice cubes and let the tinies at it.

Fish

Frozen wild caught fish fillets are actually not too expensive. So defrost and throw in a pan with some coconut oil or homemade teriyaki or whatever and then give a small chunk to your little with quinoa or rice. Here is fish tip: fish? Should not smell or taste "fishy." Ever. If it does? It's bad. Good fish should have little to no smell and melt in your mouth almost like butter. True story.

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You'll notice that I'm not the most specific recipe writer, that's because I'm not the most specific food maker. I use my fingers rather than measuring and often just kind of wing it. It drives my chef husband a little bonkers.

Also, I will add some pictures - my internet doesn't seem to love me at the moment.

Maybe another day I will do more specific recipes, but this is more of an inspiration post. If you are a recipe person, just follow me on Pinterest. I am constantly making the recipes I post there. Seriously, it's how I meal plan for the week. ;)

To Do List

Dear Mama, here is your "To-Do List"
Please do these things as they seem pleasing in no particular order at all.

Abandon the dishes, the laundry, the vacuum, the broom, and the mop.

Tidy up. Do not clean. There is a difference. Tidying means throwing things in the general direction of the place they belong so you don't get overwhelmed by the need to clean your house and you can appreciate all of the fun and beautiful things in the world and in your house.

Go outside. Let the baby wear his boots and his jacket and fall in as many puddles as he likes. Let him run. Take carrots, feed the donkeys (give Guinevere 2 and make sure Arthur only gets half, he's such an ass). Walk the full length of the drive at least twice. Pick flowers, take half indoors to put on the table and feed half to the goats (they will appreciate this a lot so stay away from Cosmo, he might pee). Soak up as much sun as possible, even if it's just through the flat grey clouds. Stretch your hands to the sky and wiggle your toes in your shoes. Get wet if it's raining.

Put on fun clothes. Clothes that make you love your body, comfy and loud, nothing like what's on the mannequins at the mall. Clothes that are not practical, but flowy and colorful.

Turn on salsa music or cumbia or anything that reminds you of Latin America. Mala Rodriquez, Winsin y Yandel, Salsa de Oro, La Quinta Estacion - it doesn't matter, just turn it up loud. Pick up the living room and dance. Baila, quierida. Do all those salsa steps you've forgotten but your body remembers. Move your hips. Life your arms above your head and let yourself go. Dance with your husband, dance with your baby, dance all by yourself.

Light as many candles as possible. Don't worry about how much they cost or if you are going to burn your house down or set the smoke alarm off. Make your house full of light so that you will be full of light.

Roll out your yoga mat, press your hands and feet into it and breathe. Do as many sun salutations as your body will allow, then do 10 more. Stretch and move and keep breathing. Turn on a class or do your own thing, whatever feels best in this moment.

Paint your nails. Go with black or green, french tips or just a clear shiny coat - it doesn't matter. Do it while the baby is sleeping so you can still pick him up later and show him your new nails.

Snuggle your little one. Give him lots of kisses, especially when he pushes you away. Play cars. Turn on his noisy giraffe. Read him books, even if he doesn't sit with you. Play 52 card pick up. Play it again. Give him "drumsticks" and a bucket. Play your guitar while he pounds. Let him play your guitar with you.

Read a book. Bake something sweet. Eat that something with no guilt. Make a fort. Write for awhile. Do henna. Drink a glass of wine two glasses of wine. Let your hair be wild. Kiss your husband, dance with him. Laugh a good belly laugh. Make dinner as a family. Eat it as a family. Sing to your baby and your husband. Sing just because.

Shut the laptop. Turn your phone on loud so you can grab it if someone needs to get ahold of you, then plug it in and leave it there. If you do pick up your phone, use it to take pictures and videos of you and your people. Silly pictures. Ridiculous pictures. Send those pictures and videos to friends who need a pick-me-up. Then put the phone down again.

These things are your priorities today everyday.

Far Away and Next Door

Know what I love?

I love having friends all over the world. I love checking my Facebook and seeing 4-5 languages in one scroll. I love the amazing things they are doing; from graphic design to dorm parent, Tucan Travel to Terralba, learning to teaching, single, married, engaged, young to old, stripper to preacher, loving God and people in Ecuador, China, India, Uganda, DC, Maple Valley, and so many more I feel guilty for not naming them all. I love that we have a bond, no matter how strange or distant or small. This is not a brag about how cool I am for knowing these people - this is a brag about how lucky I am to know these people.

Seriously.

These people are the best people. They are funny and sarcastic and ironic. They have deep, meaningful conversations about everything and nothing. They are talented; wood working, gardening, boat building, language learning, engineering, parenting, writing, hosting, singing, dancing, cooking, preaching, befriending - their talents are endless! They are good, good people. The kind of good people that make you check yourself when you say something nasty in traffic, not in a judge-y way, but in a makes-me-better way. They are people who love. They love through thick and thin and short and tall and all of the things. They love even when they barely know me and when they know me all too well. These people are the best people.

And do you know what I hate?

I hate having friends all over the world. I hate that they can't stop in and have tea. I hate that our friendship, while amazing and unique and beautiful, can't grow as quickly or deeply as it would if they were near to me. I hate that even if I go visit one of them, there will always be 10 more I want to visit. I hate that even when we are able to get together, it never feels like enough time. I hate that Skype planning is so difficult because of my and their schedules and time zones - and that I am just so bad about planning that out.

True story.

I want these best people next to me. I want to be able to call them without racking up a cellphone charge that physically injures my bank account. I want to be able to invite them to dinner, for coffee, for walks and talks. I want them to just randomly pop in because they know I'm home. I want them to see Rory every day so they aren't surprised when he walks across the room. I want them to laugh with me, cry with me, struggle with me. I want to see them more than once a Skype and on Facebook.

But then...

I do appreciate the Skypes - no matter how infrequent or regular. And I adore the visits - no matter how short or long. And I love the Facebook comments - no matter if we're besties or acquaintances. And I am blessed by the friends I have next door.

I love our landlords. They are like a third set of grandparents for Rory and oh! how they love him. I love my super amazing Monday night crew. I like our yoga and our deeper discussions. I love being real with them. I love my flakey friends - you know who you are. I love that we can not see each other, even though we want to, but still pick up where we left off. I love the people I am flakey with - you also know who you are. I love that you continue to pester me, please don't ever stop pestering me. I love the people I barely know who give me hand-me-downs, book recommendations, prayers, and winks. I love my Sunday people. I love my youth group kids. I love my girls who are no longer girls but collegiate women. I love the people I haven't met yet, the people I will never meet!

I love all my people. All God's people.

I love you because you are the threads of the beautiful tapestry of God's creation. You are the perfect example of how we are all so unique and so the same all at once! You are the people who struggle and bleed and laugh and sing. I love you all because you are different than me. I love you because you believe differently, try differently, dream differently. I love you because we find common ground in those differences. I love you because we have spoken every day, twice, and not at all. I love you because you are talented and gifted, because you share those talents and gifts. I love you because you surprise me and are so predictable. I love you because you are far away and next door.

I love you and today? I cannot even think of one reason not to.

Even when you are mean. Even when you do something you didn't mean to, when you say something you think might have been a mistake. Even when you let fear take over. Even when you are selfish, even when you are greedy, even when you forget who you are. I love you even when you hurt yourself, even when you hurt others.

This is not because I am some great and selfless person.

Because yesterday? I did not feel like loving anyone. Yesterday I was selfish and angry and sad. Yesterday, you all loved me. And that is why I am reminded that even when I have a yesterday, there is always a tomorrow. And I am so blessed to be loved by a God who loves me unconditionally and a you who loves me on my bad days, that I can love you all like that return. Wherever you are all over the world - far away and next door.

Super Happy and Uplifting Stories

The blinking cursor is my enemy.

I literally have 9 drafts sitting in my blogger, waiting to be finished or edited or even begun. But I can't. I just can't. I don't feel like it. I don't want to. I don't have any desire to hit that publish button and let you all in on what I'm thinking, feeling, experiencing. For awhile I was too busy. Then I was too busy and too boring all at the same time. And then I was too busy and too boring and too involved in other things (I've overcommitted myself this Fall). And now? Now I don't want to talk to you anymore. Now I am struggling and I feel bad for not including you in what has been happening previously so why would I bother you with the negative crap?

But I'm going to.

Because the other day someone told me how much the loved and appreciated my blog.

-insert guilt-

So there's that. And I love to write and I am wondering if maybe, just maybe, much of what plagues me can be worked out on my keyboard. I've been reading a lot and it reminds me of why I love to write - because I love to read. Seriously, you should see my side of the bed. It is all books. Copious amounts of books. Stacks and piled and leaning and each one more desirable than the next and I just don't have time for them all which breaks my soul into pieces - book shaped pieces. But it also reminds me that I love to read because I love to write, and vice versa. They are the perfect little yin and yang that make up my ink stained fingers and hardback heart. So here I am at the computer again.

Wah wah.

Firstly, they are clear cutting around our house. Gross. It makes me want to move. It makes me want to pack our things and find some new house in the woods with goats and donkeys and chickens and coyotes and elk and all of the things. I do not live down a long gravel road so that I can have wide-open-clear-cut spaces around me. No. Just no. Trees are like my books. I want them around me. Lots of them. And when they are missing? I am incomplete. I just wander aimlessly or focus too much and too hard on stupid stressful things. Plus, my husband is like two trees away from becoming an eco-terrorist and I would really rather he stays out of prison. And I want my trees back.

Like, now.

So, I work for a church and our church is kind of small, which means we have 3 employees - *had. Our Youth and Children's Ministry Director decided to go back to school to get his Masters. This is a grand thing that I am actually quite jealous of! However, it also means that we have to hire someone new. We haven't yet. It's a long and tedious process and in the interim? I have kind of found myself in a leadership position with lots more responsibilities than I would like. This is not so much due to other people shirking their duties as it is me taking on responsibilities that no one else likes because otherwise, who will do all of the things?!?!

Needless to say, my life has kind of turned into a Circus - capital "C".

Like I said, I've been reading. Lots of things, but Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed by Glennon Doyle Melton specifically. I like her writing style, mainly because I feel it reflects my own, but also because her stories reflect my own. I was in tears by probably the second vignette. It might have actually been the first. Yes, because the book is sad, but not like a Nicholas Sparks novel sad. It's better than that. Deeper than that. It's sad in the way that real life is sad. It's sad like stubbing your toe after the worst day ever. It's sad like when you feel you don't love people enough. It's sad like realizing your kiddo is sick after you've been angry with them all day because they've been "whiny." It's sad like that. Which is the worst and best kind of sad. It makes you smaller, which actually makes you better.

That book makes me better.

Then there's the fact that I'm fat.

Well, kind of. Actually, not really. See, I had a baby and then that baby became a toddler and weaned himself and I lost weight and got skinny and I was super excited - except I didn't do anything, I just had a baby and the rest was science. So now I am realizing/remembering that in order to stay small or continue to get smaller, I have to work hard because I'm not 12 anymore. Yah. That's stupid. Why do 12 year olds get good metabolism when all they do is treat their bodies like crap? Riddle me that.

Anyway, my lazy self just wants to casually do yoga and continue to watch pounds shed like unwanted puppy fur in the Summer time. But it's Winter and I am not a dog, sooo... back to intense yoga and running. In the freezing. In the wind. In the rain. And I still feel fat most of the time.

And then there's Bible Study.

So, the youth group kids, you know, the ones who lost their youth group leader to University? They would like a Bible Study (did I already mention my life is a Circus?). And honestly? They need one. Because youth group is still kind of settling into what it looks like without a paid staff person and it's a little disastrous - definitely lacking structure, anyway. And the topics that the kids want to talk about? ARE AWESOME. They are so awesome. We have the best kids in our youth group. Thee best. I would challenge you to find better, more involved, more justice and civic minded students. All of them. From 2-20, they are amazing.

So now I am building a Bible Study and I thought I had a good grasp on what they wanted to learn - I was wrong. Or rather, I just assumed in the wrong direction. What do my very intelligent, civil servants want to discuss? All of the stuff every adult wants to hash out with teenagers - sex, abortion, gender equality, homosexuality, prayer... the list goes on. I'm super excited they feel comfortable enough to have these conversations with me, but seriously - CIRCUS.

Oh, also, poop.

Literal poop. Rory's poop is a constant conversation in our house because he struggles with his tummy and gets so upset when he doesn't feel well (as he should), but that makes Mama and Dada upset in turn. Because we want him to feel well and play nicely and snuggle, but he feels all gross inside and this leads him to be cranky on the outside. Every Circus needs poop, I suppose.

Aren't you so glad I gave you an update?

I know, you missed me.

And I missed you.

A Lack of Commitment and Other Things

I have like six different drafts going.

I just can't commit.

We are trying to get Rory to sleep through the night. Kind of. It's essentially an epic battle. Two nights ago he screamed between 2:30ish and 5am. The boy has will power. Struggling to even just get him to be still, I just closed my eyes and thought "This is how God feels about me; Like, "Malia, STOP STRUGGLING, I promise I know what's best for you in this moment, just go with it - idiot."" This is comforting for reasons I can't even explain. It makes me love my son more. It makes me feel like I'm doing okay even when we've had an entire day of awful. But then there are moments like this one...
 

My son, like his mother before him, should have had bad eyesight. Because we look adorable in glasses, Amen. He's like a miniature Clark Kent in the flesh! He took them out of his Nana's pocket and tried to put them on his face and laughed. Oh! how he laughed. The boy is full of so much joy it makes me look morose. And I'm a gaggle of fun. Sometimes. Whatever, don't judge me.

Listen, being a mom to a dinosaur is difficult. We don't always see eye to eye - primarily because he's like 2ft tall, but sometimes because he thinks crying for three hours in the middle of the night is a good idea rather than sleeping. I should add, he slept until 10am following his disastrous wake up, so I think we all know who won that battle... him.

But you should hear the way he says my name. Clear as could be, "Mama." And isn't it worth it? To be covered in banana and see those little feet run toward you when you get home? I can't think of anything better.





Except Maybe This...

I Am Not A Pinterest Mom

Awhile back, I wrote on the Facebook wall of a friend from another era. Just a "Hey, how are you doing?" kind of hello. He asked me if I had beaten Pinterest yet. I wanted to kick him in the teeth.

Truth: I love Pinterest. It combines the two things I love most in this world after God, my family, and adoption: images and information. I am almost entirely visual. I cannot handle being told anything verbally unless I have a pen and paper. Pinterest beautifully weaves together my learning style and passion for knowledge into a blanket of lovely. If you scroll through my Pinterest you will notice that every single pin is my style of aesthetically pleasing. There are two notable exceptions: home school information (which pains me that no one has made a pretty graphic for all of it) and things I post for Marko. I have a problem.

I try every recipe I post.
I sew every clever project I pin.
I plan out every housing project I would do if only my pockets were deeper.
I create home school curriculum.
I honestly spend more time just scrolling through my own pins and admiring all the pretty images than anything else.
Except maybe the "Kiddo" tab.

 

Adorable.

And the Kiddo tab is my undoing. I consistently find pictures and stories that bring me to tears - happy or sad. It's ridiculous. But also found on the Kids tab are parenting articles. I'll admit (with extreme prejudice) that sometimes I find a blog that I find humorous or informative, but mostly it just makes me feel like a failure. My son is 13 months old and nowhere close to sleeping through the night - or in his own bed. We don't have a washer/dryer so we can't do cloth diapers (don't get me started, I fully understand how uneconomical and un-ecological disposables are). I tell him "No" more often than I would like. I get frustrated with him when all he wants is my attention because I want to get something done. I am upset because we live in a way that means I work part-time and I don't get to be a stay-at-home mom. I never actually got around to teaching Rory sign language. We didn't do any cute month-by-month pictures. And he ate peanut butter and strawberries before he turned one.

Lord help me.

I consistently forget to get my son breakfast before 11am. Sometimes he doesn't go to bed until 10:30 because I don't feel like making it a battle.When Rory throws a tantrum, I often forget to calmly explain to him the what and why and just throw a tantrum back. A "well balanced lunch" is regularly frozen blackberries with bread dipped in peanut butter and jam. I use sarcasm (in case you weren't aware) and realized yesterday that I have been actively trying to teach my one-year-old to throw things (plushy footballs, but still). I swear, I have little-to-no sense of time, I let Rory play with any tool that has no sharp edge, and enjoying watching Criminal Minds while he plays with his toys next to me.

I am winning no parenting awards.

Last week while hanging with my wonderful girlfriend, Becca, we were discussing what it meant to let God "love on you" and we came to the decision that it was a balance of accepting who God has made you to be and really living into that. The analogy I decided on was yoga (you're surprised, I know). In yoga, there is no perfect pose because the goal of each pose is actually to go beyond physical limits; putting your forehead to your shins is not the objective, the objective is to go through your shins into the earth - but that's impossible. You are constantly accepting where you are while striving to go further in yoga. And that's what it is like to let God love on you.

And that's what it's like to be a parent.

I have the perfect example laid out for me in scripture. A Father who loves me unconditionally, who calls me back when I have wandered, whose heart breaks when my own is broken, who forgives me all of my many many transgressions. And I will never compare. Not to the Pinterest Moms, and certainly not to God. But one of those is worth striving towards and one of them isn't. Some perspective is in order here. Who cares if I potty train my son in three days as long as he is unconditionally loved?

At this point, all I can do is pray for wisdom, strength, and have another cup of coffee. Because being a mom is never going to get easier - just different. And there will be one million voices telling me I'm doing it wrong, but there will always be at least one telling me even though I will always do it wrong, it's still worth trying.

Like They Do On The Discovery Channel?

Marko and I attend one of the many Small Groups at our church and this Summer our topic is? Marriage. Well, at least, that's the vague one word summary of what we are studying. And this week we discussed "When Love Sizzles" ... aka sex - yah, I'm not going to pretend that the study isn't cheesy, but most of it is decent teaching. One of the questions following the session was "What are some of the damaging aspects of culture to sex?" The answers from around the room were good, but they focused primarily on the damage pop culture has done to sex - leaving out the serious damage that church culture has done to it.

It's true that in this day and age? Sex is all we want to talk about. Where and how people are doing it and with who - or what. We are hyper-sexualized, women are only as good as what they'll show and men are only as good as their six-pack abs on a billboard. There is television, Pinterest, Tumblr, and photo after photo of what "sexy" is. Sex is easily accessible. In fact, it's hard to avoid it. Everyone has poor self image these days, it's impossible not to with all the damage this over stimulation does to our psyches.

But we know it.

We know the superficial nature of pop songs and that "rush" of a new relationship versus the "stagnant" nature of a long term one. We know the injury porn can sometimes place on a relationship. We know the problems with allowing young girls to read Cosmo and Teen Vogue. We see the anorexia, bulimia, rape culture - and not just in women. We watch the rate of sex before marriage sky rocket, the divorce rate rise steadily, and the number of dysfunctional teen moms captivate television audiences everywhere. We know it's damaging.

But what about the damage we as a Church have done to sex?

Because our sin is equal to that of the media.

We force sex under the bed covers, shaming it and any discussion of it. With women and young girls, we teach them to "control" and "tone down" their sexuality; t-shirts over bathing suits, high-necked shirts, finger-tip length skirts and shorts. We tell them modesty only concerns keeping their legs closed and that purity is tied directly to their virginity and once you lose it? You can't get it back. We reproach men for finding a woman who is not their spouse attractive while encouraging a misplaced sense of machismo at the same time. We demand romance from our men while maintaining that they need to stop acting so feminine and "man up." It is a confusing, backwards, hurtful place where words like "abomination" and "sexual deviancy" and "aversion" are common place. The question arises, what does good sex even look like within the context of the Church? Because simply answering "marriage" doesn't do it. There is damaging and hurtful sex within marriages.

 

It's blurry.

Until we can openly and honestly have discussions within both cultures without the fear of being labeled "prude" or "sinful," sex will continue to be harmful. Not just when media tones down the sex and the Church amps up the "sizzle" factor, but when both come together to have an appropriate and in depth conversation. This is just identification of the problem and a lot could be said and speculated on how to heal the damage being done, but that is for another day. There is so much more to say and write on the subject and other people that I much admire have written about it here, here, here, here & here, or here - just to name a few.

The Comeback

You may or may not remember that for my 24th birthday, I created a Quarter List - 25 things I wanted to have accomplished/be heading toward by the time I turned 25. I think the list was and is a good idea. But I may possibly have changed my mind on several of the items... and already accomplished others!

4 Build furniture rather than purchase it. We have remained tried and true on this point. Our pretty bathroom counter is almost finished (we were out of the state for essentially two months, give me a break) and we have much pine and other fun woods to create other furniture for ourselves - as well as for SKATEBOARDS. Yah. My husband is essentially a Superhero.

5 Stick to a budget. So, we have not done this. But we were all over the place for two months (figuratively as well as literally), so my hope is to get a budget set up and in place by September... look at all that realistic planning from the girl who can't keep track of a planner.

6 Size 4 Jeans. This girl? Wearing size 3 jeans and size Small leggings, WHAT UP?! Let me be totally honest, and say that my jeans fit in a snug manner and I am by no means in the greatest shape of my life. But mostly I am just really proud of myself! In two weeks it will be one year after baby and I fit in the same size jeans as I did in High School! That's awesome. I have to work hard at sticking to it though - the days of easy metabolism are kind of gone. Although, I will admit I have a strangely large amount of gelato in my diet... joy!

7 Sew clothes rather than purchase them. Nope, haven't done it. I have a stack sitting on my sewing machine that need love and I just haven't gotten to it. Maybe once Summer calms the frick down.

8 Continue to grow hair out.

Changed my mind! I now have a mohawk, thanks to Nikki at The Loft, and I FREAKING LOVE IT. I will try to get more pictures up as I try new things with it... Reasoning for changing my mind? One: my son likes to pull hair when he is upset or tired and ow. Two: You need a lot of time in order to really do anything with long hair where as this took me 5 minutes. Three: After I had Rory, I suddenly had this overwhelming sense of doubt that I had to sacrifice who I was in order to "become a mom," and while I whole heartedly believe in sacrificial living, I do not think that is what I was doing. I saw the image of what a mom is supposed to look like and it upset me that I did not resemble it. Having long hair wasn't the whole story, but I think I finally remembered and got comfortable with the fact that I am still that woman who loves pretty pearls and mohawks, wears gauged earrings and sun dresses, believes in minimal make-up and maximum sass - all while now having a baby on my hip.

9. Blog twice a week. Ha. Ha. I'll work on it.

14 Kiddo Number Two. We are not there yet, but I think it's nearing. There is a post-pregnancy period where you want want want another baby, then you don't ever want another baby, and then you come full circle to where you're comfortable with the idea, but when the time is right. And right now? We are just too busy to even think about it. Although I will say, I bought a very cute dress for a little girl the other day...

16 Harvest our own honey. We expanded our hive in June and will maybe try to harvest a screen or two in September before snuggling the bees into a comfortable place for the winter. Our bees are doing pretty well and we love them.

19 Second Income. Like I've said, we got really busy there for awhile, but I think we have created several avenues to maybe start an Etsy shop... I'm pretty excited to tell you about it once it's a reality!

20 Homeschooling. I'm ankle deep in the craziness that is a homeschool curriculum for my little one, I just have to make the time to really dive off into the deep end...

25. One Year Album. This is number one on my priority list right now, as Rory will be a One Year Old in less than two weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<< Craziness. I'm trying to pool together photos and other things in order to get it all together. He already loves opening gifts, so I know he will love his birthday (we are just going to wrap empty boxes because, let's face it, he doesn't care about toys as much as the box).

Thanks for all the love and support these last two months, it's been great. We are close to being able to send out our letter - make sure you let me know if you'd like a physical copy or an email copy or whatever you want! I will try to make dreams come true, but no promises - this isn't Disneyland...

Or is it?