Fast, Like a Turtle

Fasting. It’s a strange topic to discuss even within a church setting, but I’ve been learning quite a lot about it. Primarily because I’m not very good at it. I don’t have the discipline. I purge, I don’t fast. Going through my house and getting rid of stuff because I am tired, no, exhausted of having too much. Exhausted by the excess, the exorbitant amount of waste, the selfish indulgences, the gross inequality. I am tired of being considered below the poverty line when I have more than I could possibly need. I have clean water, a roof over my head, a car, health insurance, and more than enough food. This upsets me. In fact, it upsets me to a point where I need to be cautious about what I say because I might offend someone (both un and intentionally). My lack of voice in this matter only makes me want to shout all the louder, “Can’t you see?! If only we would live on less so that others might have enough!” And then I remember, not everyone is settled with my same burdens. They can’t be, everyone must be called to something different. Just imagine if there were more than one of me… yikes.

Divine burdens. This is mine: world responsibility. Oh yah. It’s broad, it’s big, it’s overwhelming – and I can’t make it any smaller. I want people to use energy efficient products and stop wasting water on lawn care. I want everyone to recycle and garden. I want people to buy locally and learn to make things from scratch rather than purchase preservatives. I want the world the cease buying things consumer-driven companies tell us we need (iPhones, Victoria Secret, Sephora, a bigger house, a newer car, the latest toy, caffe-latte-mocha-chinos). I want people to really connect instead of just reading blogs silently, Facebook stalking, Tweeting, Pinterest scrolling, and 4Square (I actually don’t know what 4Square is). I want us to be concerned with prevention rather than a cure. I want others to care about people living on less than $2 a day and those dying of preventable diseases. I want us to visit prisoners, give medical aid to the sick, free slaves, care for the widow and orphan. Is it any wonder I am a terrible faster? I want to give everything away! Not just some things, everything! My possessions, my time, my money, my talents! All of it, I want to give all of it. And I want the rest of the world to feel as strongly as I do about even one of these issues, even if it’s just a smaller piece of one.

Oh, Malia... I am inconsistent at best. I get all riled up about how badly I want to save the world and then I get distracted. And not by emergencies or anything big, it's always the little every day things. I get wrapped up in the state of our flat and bills and my ailing self image - Hello, vapid selfish life, I... missed you? Except, I didn't miss you. I specifically did not miss you. I was just out in my super hero cape when I suddenly found myself trying on new clothes and grocery shopping for things I absolutely do not need (specifically the ingredients for cookies - I will wear my pre-pregnancy clothes again, I will!). There is no balance. Either I am storming the fort of selfish consumerism or I am skipping through fields of menial chores and shiny objects. So where is the equilibrium? The harmony to even out my burden and my life? Should my burden be my life? Or should my life exclude this burden in order to live "normally?" There are no easy answers, but I believe some are found in fasting - the very subject I have been spending so much time on.

"I don't know what it all means, and your American Dream? Baby, it just isn't me. I know that what I'm thinking may not be on your mind. I know the words I'm saying are not your favorite kind. It doesn't mean I'm afraid of all the things that you say, but I just think we should stay here in the moment today."

When I say "fasting," I don't only mean abstaining from food or drink. I mean removing excess in order to better spend time with and focus on God. Even if you aren't a believer, tell me you don't ever need time for yourself. Quiet or noisy, on your own or with a loved one, in the wilderness or in the city - if you don't have something that is your own relaxing/focusing/you time? Well, then you have no soul and there's no hope for you. Just kidding... but seriously, do yourself a favor and figure that out. Fasting can be anything from cutting out food to technology to stress to spending to... well, just about anything. And it doesn't need to be an extreme all or nothing scenario (though it can) it can be as simple as limiting the time you spend on the internet or watch TV. Or how many venues you shop at or how much food you're consuming. And you don't need to do it permanently (although you can) it can be as long as you feel you need. One month, one week, one day, one year. But it's important to not fast for the sake of it, the point is to be giving something up. It should be difficult, it should be hard, it should be sacrificial and those moments you feel it should be the moments you spend remembering why you're doing it - whether to focus on Christ or just get back to yourself.

Prayer stacks, covering the expanse as far as the eye can see above Colca Cañon.

And this is what I need to learn, fasting rather than purging. Getting the most out of giving, being sacrificial rather than just getting rid of crap to feel better about myself. Did you know the original Christian church was communal? There was no merit based system of "Well, this job is more important than this one." It was all about giving everything to the church so that all it's members functioned on the same level. They all had enough food, enough shelter, enough care, enough to give it away to everyone who came through the door. People mocked how nice and kind and caring Christians were - wait, what? You mean the original church wasn't full of right-winged bigots that everyone chastised for being unaccepting? Stop that nonsense, that can't be true. Except that it is. They fasted with every facet of their lives. They sacrificially gave it all and then some. To complete strangers and people who persecuted them and the "unclean." At what point did we trade Christ for religion? And who authorized such a shitty deal?

I want to be like the first church, not just purging or priding myself on being minimalist - I still have more than I need. I want to give continuously and open myself to the possibility (probability) of more. I was always smart in school, but sometimes I learn life lessons turtle slow. Patience is something I lack, but I think fasting is helping me to discover that as well. My fast begins now and I know exactly how much I must give. I am called to this fast, giving everything so that I might hear God more clearly. I am called to go out into the world and serve those we would consider the least. If I can feel injustice break my heart, but am not doing anything about it, how can I ask anyone else? You don't need to understand where I'm coming from, but you should know where I'm headed. I know Mark and Rory and I cannot save the world but we can do our part to help, and you can do yours (whatever it is). If we don't fill the role we are called to fill, who will? We must fast as we need to fast, burden ourselves with our burdens, and take the steps to fulfill our calls. Whether to live simply, speak into others' lives, work with children, research medicine, rally against injustice, etc. ... each call as important as the one before.

 

How much do I miss by being selfish with what I have? By forgetting to fast and come back to the heart of the issue? The remedy seems simple and clear. It all comes back to living a sacrificial life for me. To put others first, not just in theory but in actuality. To give all I have not only some of the time, but all the time. What have I done to deserve a "better" life than anyone else, than any of these children I've photographed? I just happened to be born here rather than in a dusty Mexican village, an Andean commune, or a small farm in the Sacred Valley. Why should they need to ask for what I take for granted? Why should I not go to them in order that we both might be enriched? Fasting. It forces the hard questions. Honestly, too many questions. I end up in a fit if I spend too much time really thinking about it. But sometimes it's good to become absolutely wrecked about something. Sometimes it's exactly what you need. What I need.