I have an apology to make; It might be to many of you who read this blog, or perhaps only to those who do not. I'd like to apologize to those who ever looked up to me when I was a High Schooler or ever Junior High student. I wasn't the person you needed me to be and gave you the wrong impressions of what was good in this world. I mocked you through my selfish lifestyle and rebellion. I never took your feelings into consideration, I never thought once about the effect I might have on your life. I am so very sorry for having made you doubt yourself, or having made you believe less of whatever it was you believed then. It was never my intent, but I couldn't see the damage I was creating through my selfish tendencies. I should have been a better role model, someone you could have been proud to look up to. Someone who did good, selfless things, rather than the self-absorbed life I lived. I apologize for any injury I may have caused you, and any pain that you may have been in simply because of my example. I am sorry.
It's hard to apologize, especially when most of the people I know I met after that time period in my life. But in order to go where I am going, I have to be honest about where I once was. And where I once was? It was a dark and frightening place. I should not have let anyone follow me there, yet I did. I knew there were people who looked up to me, people who I was hurting. But my pain seemed more prevalent, of more importance - as if we are ever more important than another being.
"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us."
And here it is, the beautiful thing You are making me into. Where I am now is only the beginning, there is so much more. "I see what you've done, your hard hard work, your refusal to quit. I know you can't stomache evil, that you weed out apostolic pretenders. I know your persistence, your courage in my cause, that you never wear out. But why have you walked away from your first love - why? What's going on with you anyway? Do you have any idea how far you've fallen?" Rev2.2 And there it is. I've changed my life and it's for the better. I'm not who I was and you would not recognize me had you not seen me in years. But wait! Have I forgotten my first love? And if so, what is that first love of mine?
I am sitting in a black chair by a dead fireplace, eight-thirty in the morning in a wine bar that serves coffee."You have a real heart for those who have lost their way." Was there ever a truer statement? Why yes, from the same person actually, "You have a lot of grace for those who don't fit the mold, for those who are hurting or have lost their way - but you don't have much grace at all for those who actually do fit the mold." Ouch. And my humility makes it's way out of the woodworks. There is so much I have left to learn.
"This world is dying, the old world's dying now.
But a new one's dawning.
And You keep calling us out.
Call me out, You call me out, You're calling me out."
It is written on my hand. I belong and I am unafraid. I am young, I am naive. I am constantly learning and finding my way. Sometimes people look down on me because I am not taking the conventional path. But I am making my own. I have to believe that it is alright that I am not following other people's footsteps. I'm not the first to forge my own path, there are many others who have created a path for themselves, not following those around them. And that is alright, I believe it is alright. I am learning. Through my failures and my mistakes, through grace and God. I could never know what the future holds, but I know it is good. I know it is new. I know that it is restoring.
My first love. How far back are we talking here? Are we headed all the way back to age 3, jumping on the bed in my underwear with a boy named Jonathan playing Power Rangers? How about when I was 8 and wanted to be Mia Hamm? Is this about the first man I fell in love with? The first man I wanted to spend my life with? The first time I met a soulmate? Or are we talking about a different kind of love? Are we talking about my need to breathe travel? Something about seeing every corner of the world? What about music? Maybe nonprofit organizations? - It took me awhile, and it's possible I still haven't figured it out. But I think I am headed in the right direction. We can never know for sure, despite what you imagine. We can only hope and pray we are doing the right thing. So here I am, returning to my first love, whatever that might be. Child again, searching for answers in that which is simple.