17 April 2012

Half Way There

I am officially closer to my due date than conception date. On the roadmap that is pregnancy, I look ahead of me and feel slightly overwhelmed that I'm only half done. It's that halfway point in a marathon where you realize that as far as you've come? You have that much left. Yikes...

Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic that I feel baby moving around and doing some serious yoga inside my stomach. I can't wait to meet the little one who has utterly and completely flipped my whole world upside down! I'm excited to snuggle, cuddle, smother, and love on the child growing inside me. And the miracle of life is not lost on me, it's fucking magical. My baby grew and inch this week - it's a pro. Sometimes I pretend it's a Super Nova inside my womb, fantastic Hubble photographs and all.

But, here's the thing: I'm going crazy. Between all the crying and low self esteem, I'm surprised I can even leave my bed - much less my house. I feel like a balloon. I'm wearing pants that are double the size I was before I was pregnant and the only consolation I receive from that is that they don't quite fit yet. But they will, because I'm only half done. My breast are literally in my face and seem to be always trying to fall out of whatever bra I've decided to cage them in for the day. I get good solid kicks to the bladder whenever I attempt my beloved yoga or walks, let's not even talk about running. And the damn doctors insist I get on a scale every month after I've already driven all the way to Bellevue, usually with a full bladder. I'm a bloated puppet.

I think the hardest thing is the self esteem. It's not just the roller coaster hormones, I've already had my ability to parent called into question and baby isn't even here. I have had to really rethink some of the friendships in my life and whether they are healthy or not - this is not the time I would have chosen to make that decision. But I have someone entering my life who will not just look up to me, but be entirely influenced by me and those I surround myself by. Some people, aren't making the cut. And weirdly, it has nothing to do with whether they have their shit together or not, and everything to do with how they treat others. Specifically me, but other people as well. I refuse for my child to think it's okay to treat people like doormats or that being treated like one qualifies as friendship.

It sucks that now is the time I'm realizing who I can actually count on. I'm overemotional and I really need good people in my life to depend on, but better now than later. Mark has been an absolute pillar for me, I have no idea how he puts up with all the "I'm fat" tears and my constant frustration with being in the USA. I don't understand how he still finds me attractive or scoops me up to take me to bed to cuddle. I can't comprehend how he manages to curtail his constant worries to deal with my newfound ability to stress out over just about every topic there is. He's my superhero and even Batman can't hold a candle.

I've been blessed with new people cropping up in my life and old friends stepping up - sometimes in ways they don't even realize. Human kindness knows no limits except those we place on it, and for some reason we are quick to put a harness and reigns over it's love as if we are concerned it might escape us. What we forget is that it can only grow in it's freedom.

I am plotting my hegira. I will abscond with my husband and child, leaving this "American Dream" in the dirt where it belongs. I will love my husband with a kind of love not found in statistics. I will raise my little one without the equal opportunity expectations this country places on so many shoulders, so that they might decide for themselves what path to put themselves on. We will create a new dream.

Being pregnant sucks, but trials are what make us who we are. I would be lying if I told you it was great and I believe in truth, as unpopular as it may be. Pregnancy is long, difficult, and it wears you down. You get one awe filled moment for every two miserable days and it's worth it. It's difficult and demanding, but what would it be without that? Sunshine, rainbows, and kittens? Then what would I appreciate? Nothing. I can pretend like that would be better, but it wouldn't. I don't love it, but I will. I will love it because of what I get out of it. Because of everything I have learned, because of all the things I will learn. The marathon is only half way finished, and then the real race begins.


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