With Every Broken Bone, I Swear I Lived

My son is a darling.

A strong willed, vocal, stubborn, decisive, independent darling.

You're surprised, I know.

I love Rory. He is truly a blessing and he is so sweet and well-behaved for others. He is kind and likes to share, he loves to talk and laugh, and he is also bold and a risk-taker. But at 1:00am when I am up for the umpteenth time and he pulls my hair or screams at me? I begin to wonder if I am really cut out for this.

"A sweet and obedient child will enroll and father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more God-like yourself. With which child will you patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refines? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Lynn G Robbins

I have never heard of Lynn G Robbins, but I adore her already. I needed this. I needed the reminder that when people ask "Is he always this sweet?" my response needs to be one of kindness and truth - not begrudging angst about the night before. And the truth is that Rory is a blessed gift regardless of whether he is sweet all the time. He comes with angry sobs of frustration that he isn't big enough and needy nights, fevers that leave him a sweaty mess and dirty diapers, days where all he wants is to be held and many many growing pains. But I have this opportunity to experience a different kind of growing pain, a maturing that only comes with a child who tests you. And damn, does it ache.

Rory's real gift to me is not just his sweet smile or his laugh. It isn't the waving or "mama." It isn't the ability to watch him grow or know that I created him. It is the patience that comes at 3:00am when all I really want to do is duct tape him to the wall. It is the love that comes when he's screaming at me about I have no idea what. It is the laughter even though I haven't had a shower in three days. It is the appreciation of alone time with my husband.

I don't know what my life would be without Rory - whether I would "have more fun" or stay up later or if I would already be traveling or have more money or more energy or what. But I do know, my life is one million times better because I have him. I am one million times better. And I wouldn't trade all my exhaustion or all of my joy for my life before.

Dinosaur AND Ninja