17 August 2010

Autumn Days

The leaves are changing in the trees. Being here in Vermont (aside from Maine, possibly the most deciduous region in America - you've all seen postcards or Earth or something)), I can see it happening slowly but surely. Much earlier than it begins in Washington ((it doesn't at all in Hawaii, go figure)). Change is seeping in through the cracks, regardless of what we might do or want, it comes.

And the leaves aren't the only thing moving towards something new, I am.

"Putamadre, where is the third?!" This phrase has lived with me these last 9 months and I realized just last night that I will only get a chance to curse sets of twos ((or, Lord forbid, singles)) for a mere two weeks more. The triplets will return to Italy on the 30th while I will head West, in the opposite direction. I've taken to cuddling and smelling and eskimo kissing more than ever. Just taking them in as much as I can. I will see them again, that much I know, but they have become a part of me and to lose that part is going to be difficult...

Apparently, some change has made me completely child accessible. But not just children ages 0-10, no no no no no. Ages 0-99. I am suddenly this person who stops on the street to admire children playing and then strike up a conversation with their parents only to have one of said children climb into my lap. I am now this person who goes on day dates or gives love advice to 14 and 15 year old girls. I am the person that a 14 year old boy who I have known less than a week will crawl into the lap of while watching a movie. I make better small talk. I laugh an play freely. I goof around just to goof around instead of wondering whether or not people are looking at me. I try to be an example instead of the insistently rebellious little teenager I once was. I am simply accessible. When did this happen? I don't really know. Because even when I first arrived in Vermont, I wasn't this way. Whatever moment or not moment it was, I am glad of it. Glad to be accessible to everyone, because in that I am more accessible to God.

There was a quote I heard once, something about wanting to be so alone with God you don't even realize you're alone. I liked it immediately, but didn't really appreciate it until today when I was driving along by myself thinking "When was the last time I felt lonely?" Now, it wasn't all that long ago, granted. But I usually feel lonely at the end of a long day or even a short one. I feel the desire and want to be desired and wanted ((and no, not sexually)). Just my attentions. With babies, you feel loved but it is a different kind of love. They need you. And that can be exhausting. Sometimes it is nice to just be wanted by another human being. I typically thrive on human attentions and being lonely can sneak up on me and then smack me in the side of the head with a brick - no exaggeration! But lately, I've just been... content. I've been chatting with God about somethings and nothings and everythings. It's been - unlonely - if there is such a word. If not, I am invoking it now, you will see it in next years edition of the Oxford Dictionary. I am unlonely. So alone with Him that I don't even realize I am alone at all.

It's a beautiful thing, this change. Some of it is sad, some is happy, some is just silly nonsense - but it is all beautiful. I hope you see beautiful change in your life as it has graced mine.

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