30 August 2010

e2 = ama

Allow me to ellaborate.

I've spent the last year "finding" myself. But I think, in reality, the saying goes true and I was actually creating myself. I found bits of who I used to be, but I burried most of them. With beautiful little ceremonies. Then I opened myself to the universe and it let itself in. One unrequited love, one travel, one new friend, one conquered fear, one written page, one phone call home, one email, one hug, one moment at a time.

It began in Peru. I would not be who I am if I had not ((literally)) shoved myself out the door and onto that plane. And I learned so much on those cobbled streets. They molded my feet and, as we all know, once you set the feet straight, the rest will follow ((The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe - incase you didn't know)). Peru, Ecuador, Maple Valley, New York City, Washington DC, Barcelona, Italy, Oregon, Vermont - these places changed my life. They changed me. I am finally being actualized, becoming who I was meant to be. And it feels good. It feels healthy. It feels real.

But it wasn't the places that brought me to where I am. It wasn't the train tickets or the plane tickets, the trekking or the hitch hiking, the jobs or the volunteerwork. It was the people. It was Wendee on the swingset before I left for Peru. It was Christian, Mariana, Rolf, Raul, Fernand, Magaly, Lizb, Mel, Kelsey, Will, Coco, Frank, Anka, Matt, Drew, Emily, Casey, Ella. It was Jesus, Tao, Geoff, Jaz, Cody, Elle, Jorge, Cristin, Pepe, Gabriel. It was Bob, Gosia, Ziiad, Han June, Topher, Mateo, Diego, Paul. It was Javena, Eda, Serena, Dario, Marcello, Consuela, Altea, Giorggio, Stefania, all the rowing moms, Maryanne, Lorenzo, Oto, Toby, Carolina, Meme, Edoardo. It was Pelle, Norm, Max, Jesse, Fabian. It was Gma Sue, Gpa Paul, Kelly, Anna, Paul, Mike, Jenny, Jacob, Nolan. It was Boppy, PopPops, Melynda, Carlene, Kara, Stetchy, Scooter, Jessica, Jason, Harrison, Jackson, Carter, Diane, Tom, Louise, Pascal, Rory, Maddy, Pammy, Derek, Bubba, Frank, Laura, Martin. It was all the people I didn't mention. It was my brothers. It was my parents. But most of all?

e2 = ama

e2 ((e-squared)) is Enzo and Eliza. Ama means love, but also stands for Amedeo, Marcello, Antonio. This family brought me back to life. Enzo wanted to adopt me just 2 months into knowing me. Eliza became a best and most wonderful friend whom I spent every minute of every day with, you gotta have a pretty good relationship for that. And the boysies? Oh. The boysies. They became the air I breathed, the reasons for every emotion, the lights that lit even the darkest and coldest days of winter. I became... no, I'll stop there. I just became. I was. I am. I became.

Today? Today I watched them pull out of a driveway in a car I had not double checked. With bags I didn't know the exact contents of. I don't know when they plan eat or what they plan to eat. I don't know if there are three sets of everything and extra three sets of everything. I watched my adopted dad, my best friend, and the 3 little lights of my life drive away without knowing what time the plane lands in Italy or exactly who will be waiting for them in San Miniato. I lost 5 ridiculous chunks of myself. My heart is still trying to recover, like "What the! - ohmygracious! - can't breath! - I am missing a good 5/10 of myself! That's a whole half! Not just a piece or a hole - MORON!" I'm breathing slowly.

I don't know what is next for me. Have I ever? But I do know, I am going back to Italy. Those people, that family - are my people, my family. They are a part of me. Whether I make it until this evening or next year is the real question, but I will be going home to them. Home.

I can't... express what I want to. So I'll just say, thank you.

Thank you so, so desperately much. I couldn't have done any of this without you. Thank you.

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