10 September 2010

Little House

Love doesn't always exist the way we want it to.

There isn't always someone to sweep us off our feet. Someone to whisper sweet nothings in our ears and play with our hair. Sometimes, sometimes it doesn't work out that way. And we can argue all we want that someday someone will come along, but maybe sometimes we need to just accept that we're without that person. That other half, soulmate, enamorado, fiansato. Sometimes we don't fall in love, other times we fall in love alone, we fall in love too fast or too late, or perhaps we allow the little things to come between that love we fall into.

It's raining here in Western Washington. I'm a paperweight. I close my eyes and I find peace and joy and goodness. I find love - it just isn't the love I thought it would be. I've been single for a long time in the datingspan of a Malia. And I'm finally starting to adjust. When you fill the fairytale-love hole in your heart with something more sustainable? It feels good. Whole. Though, part of me feels like I've lost something, some childlike part of me. So I won't banish the idea of Happily Ever After from my mind, but I'm letting go of the romantic whirlwind I thought it would be.

In my family love has not been measured by romantic moments or a spellbinding love. There was no one swept off their feet or courted in any sense. It has been measured by overcoming obstacles, big gestures when things were bad, and unconditional appeal. Love has meant falling in love everyday, and somedays it is easier than others.

I wonder if we fall in love alone on purpose sometimes. You know, to feel something. I don't think we realize it is purposeful. We just want so badly to feel that rush that we push ourselves into love, despite the consequences. And I know for a fact the less you fall in love, the more you lose. The more you shut yourself off from that wonder, the more you will suffer. A broken heart is exponentially better than a hardened one. Letting things come between love is foolish, there is nothing as great as love and therefore there should be nothing to break that bond. And yet we allow it to happen all the time. As for falling in love too fast or too late, I think that might be the worst of all. There is no cure except patience on both sides and sometimes that patience can be excruciating. I can only pray that you will all understand and wait for the other. It is so beautiful to see you all fall in love. To see you all full of that wonder. I am blessed to witness it all.

It is difficult to say where I am. I could pin it on a map of the world. But on a map of the heart, I feel my compass spinning. I know what I want, but I am struggling with what direction it might lie in. The heart is harder to map than this Universe.

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