Better

Today, my word is provision.

Wednesday was difficult. You know the saying, "be careful what you wish for" ? Well, I feel like we only ever remember it after the fact. My prayers obviously fluctuate, but there is one thing I consistently ask God for: to fill me up and break my heart for what breaks His. The poverty, disease, preventable deaths, and all those who feel cast out by the church. I desire to show people as much love as I possibly can, and yet I remain sarcastic and whiney. I am not who I aspire to be, I am not someone to look up to, I am not as good as I could be. I want to be better, so much better. And my ask has been responded to, my heart is being torn into thousands of pieces in opposite directions as I witness people in my community experiencing hardships, have a growing love for Africa that has never been present before now, watch my husband struggle with his job that doesn't pay or appreciate him nearly enough... I am full to the brim, overflowing with love that I feel I cannot dispense quickly enough - I forgot to ask for an outlet.

I spent the day laboring to express everything pent up inside of me and only managed to exhaust myself. Then, picking up Marko from work, I was informed that I am a moron for wanting a natural birth with no medication. Unsolicited advice is an epidemic in the United States. I wanted to say that people do it all over the world every day, even in America. I wanted to say that women have been giving birth naturally without numbing the lower half of their bodies for thousands of years. I wanted to say that I didn't judge those who choose to medicate and I shouldn't be looked down upon for wanting something different. But all I could do was stare at the wall while Mark came to my rescue. I was too drained to even consider responding. We then had to drive up to Seattle to attend a birthing class, something my health care provider strongly recommends. Our generation has lost something. We now need professionals to tells us all the things that used to just be passed down from mother to daughter, grandparent to grandchild. Breast feeding is the best option for your baby, skin to skin contact will help you bond with your little one, patience is the best strategy when learning how to nurse, bathe, and rock your newborn to sleep. Please inform me as to why a class exists to tell me these things? In the same way a cookbook will never be able to teach me the way an 80 year old woman can, there is no substitute for knowledge passed down through the ages. It doesn't mean we can't decide for ourselves what is right or wrong, it just means that you have wasted 2 hours of 15 couples lives telling us what our basic instincts are. Wednesday was difficult.

Thursday I woke up with a disposition to make life better. To make my husband smile, to look at the bright side, to be the positivity I wanted from the world. Thursday was a long day, but I accomplished what I set out to do. I remembered to pray for an outlet and flew through work. I was able to lift Mark's spirits, if only slightly, I got my house in order and I spent the whole day singing. There was much to do and little energy left to do it with, but that is the wonder of provision. Even when you think you're at the end of you're rope, you find a little more. That's always the way it is with love, though. You give and give until there's nothing left, then you give some more. Mother Teresa said it best, "I think I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love."

This morning was the dreaded monthly appointment with a midwife. There were enjoyable when there were ultrasounds and I was losing weight rather than being scolded by an overweight woman for gaining too much. But today? Today we met Desiree. She answered every question without any tone of judgement, she laughed with us when something funny was said, she spoke with us about the best postpartum birth control options and even put it in the hospital notes so someone would know to order it, she reaffirmed my plan to do natural childbirth and shook her head understandingly when I gave my account of being called a moron, she gave us a list of books to check out, she measured to make sure I was the right size instead of talking to me about weight, and, of course, let us listen to Creature's heart beat. It was the most encouraging visit yet. Provision, provision is definitely the word for today.

I am reminded daily of how much more I have. I should seek to bless others as I am so incredibly blessed, seek to love them as I am wonderfully loved, seek to care for them as I am overwhelmingly cared for. I can do better, be better than I am now. Not because I am capable, but because I believe in a God who is. I want to spend my mornings reading and writing, seeking Christ's plan for my life. I want to spend my days serving my girls by taking them shopping and talking with them about their busy schedules, being there for them in each and every crisis and non-crisis. I want to spend my free time with friends, living life beside them openly and speaking into their lives as I hope they speak into mine. I want to spend my work hours doing the best I can and giving everything I am able to the cause I so believe in. I want to spend my nights snuggled with my husband, loving him beyond my capacity and having long conversations about everything and nothing. I want to be better.