The Anything Prayer

Sometimes? Sometimes it is all I can do to keep from breaking down into a million little pieces. And sometimes, I fail. Miserably. For instance, this week. This week I have been one breakdown failure after the next. And it's easy to look for external reasons why. I can list off one hundred and one reasons I've been a hot mess, none of which have anything to do with me and all of which are valid.

Let's begin.

For the last three weeks, our tiny 500ft flat is currently housing an extra sofa, random wood working projects, two sinks and countertops full of dishes. Our work schedules? Crazy. Rory has come to work with me more than once or twice in the last two weeks. Easter, a Capital Campaign, and various other church shenanigans for myself PLUS a doctors appointment (4 shots), two top teeth, upset schedules due to a busy mama and mastering the art of "cruising" for Rory PLUS bunches of signs, local events, bees, and aforementioned wood working projects for Marko (I would explain his business better if I understood it...). The floors need mopping, the bathroom needs bleaching, the laundry needs doing, and our bed could use a serious shake out.

Needless to say, I am exhausted. Each day has begun too early with too many wake ups in the night and too much screaming creating too short tempers. There is not enough time and not enough coffee and not enough happy noises. There is not enough Bible or writing or journaling or running or anything that resembles rejuvenation. There is not enough sex, not enough room, not enough sleep, not enough communication, not enough self-love. There just isn't enough. Of anything.

There is, however, a lot of prayer. Perhaps not enough, but a lot.

You don't need to be a parent or a spouse or (honestly) even to believe in God to know the "anything" prayer. You just need to be human and know stress. Odds are, you've said this prayer. Regardless of your beliefs, regardless of your temperament, you've spoken these words aloud or in the quiet recesses of your mind. It goes something like this:

"God - I can't - I just - please - anything." 

I probably make this exact plea one hundred times before the end of a day. Eyes closed, tears streaming down my face, bottom lip turned down just like the 4 year old I am at heart, I whisper these words. Out loud, to myself, in the car, while Rory is screaming, when I'm frustrated with Marko, as I am trying desperately to not be upset about one more damned thing. Because more than being exhausted by all of those very reasonable outer variable, I am exhausting myself.

BULLET ONE: Being a doormat. "Oh sure, I'll do those eight more things." My workload is something fierce. And all I want is to do everything that people need. It isn't just a work thing though, it's a life thing. And I need to learn to take a step back and say "Hey, I just can't right now." Those words are my unattainable goal. But, I'm... trying?

BULLET TWO: Friends. I'm no good at having friends. I put in these huge efforts and very often get nothing in return - or walked all over. It's pleasant. So, my knee-jerk reaction is to withdraw entirely. And making friends? Oh buddy, if you don't initiate? Probably never gonna happen. I'm socially inept and awkward. And not in a "Hey, she's awkward and that's cute" kind of way - purely in a "Why isn't she talking - what's wrong with that girl?" kind of way. I hide behind my cute baby. Literally. Also, no one gets my sense of humor with the exception of Mark, which is why I married him.

BULLET THREE: My self esteem. Or lack thereof. Which seems to be the norm as of late. I can't even look at a picture of an actress I deem attractive without my own self worth plummeting into the ground at full speed, God forbid an actual film. And if Mark finds them attractive? I may as well curl up into the fetal position preemptively. Which is honestly, really unfair to Mark. One, he has to deal with my neurotic mess of self and two, he feels bad for objectively commenting on the very true fact that Jessica Biel is pretty.

So I pray a lot. A lot a lot. And I ask for anything. Anything at all that will get me through this absolute horrible awful wreck of an emotional state that I am in. And today. Today is Easter. A day for new beginnings. So I think I'll start here. And by this time next week, I will probably have said the "anything prayer" one million times over and had about as many new beginnings. But if the new beginnings don't start with me, they won't start at all.