Nerdy Marshmallows

Here's the thing, I am a ridiculous fangirl about maybe 5 things.

One: Firefly

Don't tell me if you don't know about Firefly, just watch it and be amazed at the wonder that is Joss Wheadon and the travesty that is Fox's network of cancelling all that is good in this world

And if you don't/didn't like Firefly - again, it's probably best you don't tell me.

"Or I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you."

Two: Hayao Miyazaki films

The beautiful imagery, the phenomenal story telling, the wonderful themes of man working with nature rather than against it and people living in harmony despite our differences...

Princess Mononoke, Totoro, Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle, Castle in the Sky, Kiki's Delivery Service, Ponyo, Nausicaa... ALL OF THE STUDIO GHIBLI! Happy...

Three: BBC Planet Earth

I'm a nerd.

And David Attenborough with beautiful scenery...

And Four: Veronica Mars

 

I'm not even sure that magic need explanation.

Quick quips, obscure references, sexy cameras, computer hacking, danger, justified ends - such is the life of Private Eye, VMars. The most successful Kickstarter in history has lead to the film I am most excited about since... yah, I don't know, ever. I am so excited!!! For the first time in my life? I am excited for January. I will pay the outrageous wallet-rape price to see this film in theaters. I would pay the IMax price.

I think the only thing I would be more excited to see is if they did an OC movie...

(Five: The OC

Guilty pleasure for life...)

 

Yah.

Adoption, You Ask?

HEY!
Guess what?
I bet you can't guess.
Okay, maybe you can.
Either way, I'm going to tell you.

I've been accepted to be an adoption advocate for Lifesong! Yah, and you thought I was irritating about kiddos before I had the acceptance to be a voice for an adoption agency. You merely had a taste of my obnoxious adoption babble! Now it will hit you in full swing!

So, I completely understand that not everyone has the capacity to adopt, but I believe that it should be something on your heart even if you aren't able to be an adoptive parent. Mark and I aren't able to adopt at this point, but we are hoping to make even the slightest difference by participating in sharing love to kids everywhere through advocacy. Which is just to say: I hope you at least check out these posts, even if they don't tug your heartstrings in one million directions.

(I'm bouncing up and down with excitement right now)

"God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure." Ephesians 1:5 (NLT)

Adoption. One of the most beautiful pieces of the Gospel. An all-powerful and loving Father God chose us, in our sinfulness, to be His sons and daughters. Does it get any better than that? The fact that we, as Christians, can replicate this relationship in our own families to tell the Gospel through our lives is an complete honor and joy.

"WE SAID YES TO ADOPTION" // Andy & Laura's Story

 (video by Andy Watson)

Andy and Laura, adoptive parents of Eli from Ethiopia shared how God provided every step of the way, crushing fears and showing that HE is faithful to finish what He starts.

Part of God's provision came from Lifesong and its partner, Legacy 685 Adoption Fund, helping this family financially with a matching grant and funding support.

Learn more about Lifesong Adoption Funding>>

INDIGENOUS ADOPTION // Ukraine

Meet Volodya and Lyliya, one of the many Ukrainian families blessed by Adoption without Borders, an initiative that intentionally links like-minded families and churches in the USA with Christian families in Ukraine who are seeking to adopt.  

"(Adoption is) the deepest evangelism we can provide, to dedicate our lives to bringing children to the Lord. Our biggest dream is that all of our children would commit their lives to God." --Volodya & Lyliya, adoptive parents of five Ukrainian children 

Learn more about Adoption without Borders>>

HOW CAN I HELP? 

Because of your support, the families above have been able to give a forever family to a child in need. Are you looking for ways to join the cause? What you could do:

Start a Church Adoption Fund

Encourage these families by commenting on the blog or on Facebook, offering prayers and words of encouragement

Support families through Adoption Grant Fund

READ MORE ABOUT ADOPTION...

How Could We Not? -  Erik & Erin's adoption story is unique, but beautiful as they stepped in to help a family member in need by providing Austin with a stable and secure family. Read Full Story

Worth the Wait - Guest blog post from Jeff & Rachel,  adoptive parents of Kate from Ethiopia. Read Full Story

God Creates Family from Strangers - Sharon, adoptive mom, shares her heart of on an ordinary day four months after bringing Asrate into their forever family.  Read Full Story

US Churches impacting Ukrainian families! - Three US churches wrap around a Ukrainian family to ensure home repairs where finished soadoption could be complete. Read Full Story

"I know you guys!" - Read as Robert & Alexis share about meeting their son Jacob for the very first time. Read Full Story

With Every Broken Bone, I Swear I Lived

My son is a darling.

A strong willed, vocal, stubborn, decisive, independent darling.

You're surprised, I know.

I love Rory. He is truly a blessing and he is so sweet and well-behaved for others. He is kind and likes to share, he loves to talk and laugh, and he is also bold and a risk-taker. But at 1:00am when I am up for the umpteenth time and he pulls my hair or screams at me? I begin to wonder if I am really cut out for this.

"A sweet and obedient child will enroll and father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more God-like yourself. With which child will you patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refines? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

Lynn G Robbins

I have never heard of Lynn G Robbins, but I adore her already. I needed this. I needed the reminder that when people ask "Is he always this sweet?" my response needs to be one of kindness and truth - not begrudging angst about the night before. And the truth is that Rory is a blessed gift regardless of whether he is sweet all the time. He comes with angry sobs of frustration that he isn't big enough and needy nights, fevers that leave him a sweaty mess and dirty diapers, days where all he wants is to be held and many many growing pains. But I have this opportunity to experience a different kind of growing pain, a maturing that only comes with a child who tests you. And damn, does it ache.

Rory's real gift to me is not just his sweet smile or his laugh. It isn't the waving or "mama." It isn't the ability to watch him grow or know that I created him. It is the patience that comes at 3:00am when all I really want to do is duct tape him to the wall. It is the love that comes when he's screaming at me about I have no idea what. It is the laughter even though I haven't had a shower in three days. It is the appreciation of alone time with my husband.

I don't know what my life would be without Rory - whether I would "have more fun" or stay up later or if I would already be traveling or have more money or more energy or what. But I do know, my life is one million times better because I have him. I am one million times better. And I wouldn't trade all my exhaustion or all of my joy for my life before.

Dinosaur AND Ninja

Commissioned And Home Again

"And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

So, we were in Detroit. It was... an experience. I don't want to tell you it was hard and whine about how difficult the Dullanty Tribe has it - but, bro? It was hard. We got into Detroit after an entire day on airplanes at 1am. Then the well rested baby wanted to play until 3am. Then he woke up and ate for forty-five freaking minutes at 6am and as I was laying his sweet head back down on the bed at 6:45, Marko's alarm went off because the first thing for the weekend began at 7am. I rolled over and went to sleep then woke up two hours later to a cappuccino and a plate of fruit. My husband wins all awards. All of them, ever.

There are way too many details to tell you about, but the big thing was: we were commissioned!

 

Yes, that is a sleeping baby. Rory slept through the entire service. I told you - it was a hard weekend. We were (are) exhausted. But being commissioned? Was wonderful. And serving Communion? Was wonderful. Sometimes the great things are the hardest, you know?

 Want to watch us wave flags and be commissioned and serve Communion? Here we are!

Be amazed.

Just kidding, but seriously it is amazing. Not so much to watch, I'm sure, but to live? Amazing is the word. I feel so blessed and overwhelmed. It was great to catch up with those people we fell so in love with in Chicago two weeks earlier and it was just... just... it was awesome. Plus - my hubby is a stunner in a suit.

Now we are home and I think it might be harder than an exhaustive weekend (and then disastrous flight home) in Detroit. Our tatertot isn't sleeping and is really struggling with growing/teething/not being around these people who were intensely present over the month of June. Sometimes I bring up pictures of other METE participants and Rory waves and coos at the computer... this makes me so happy and so heartbroken all at once. I'm glad Skype is a thing.

We are in the process of writing our initial support letter, which I will probably also post online for all you techie people, but it is difficult. It is also hard to have been surrounded by supportive, globally minded people so consistently and now be back in the fray of American normalcy. This is not to say that everyone who lives here is small-minded or not on mission or somehow less than we are, so don't misunderstand.

I remember feeling like such an alien for wanting to travel and for feeling called internationally; and not for vacation. I kept asking people to come with me and they kept having excuses (not illegitimate ones) until I finally left on my own. It was big and different and scary - but all of the sudden, for the first time ever, I was surrounded by people who also had a deep love of travel and international awareness and cultures outside of their own. They were confused why I had waited so long, when those I had grown up with had been confused as to why I went at all. It was blessed. And that was what being around Covenant World Mission and staff was like. They immediately understood our call to international mission. I miss that.

It is all a process. Beautiful, difficult, and still happening.

And We All Bleed

There is a moment when your son turns bright red and starts to choke while you're sitting in front of him, about to have a panic attack, and he suddenly throws up an entire meal's worth of avocado and grapes - green, thick, and entirely disgusting  - then he gives you his biggest and most charming smile.

Gross.

Being back in the Seattle area is difficult.

Real difficult.

It is difficult to no longer be in such a little tight knit bubble of fierce community where missionaries are plentiful and encouraging. It is difficult to not spend our days together as a family. It is difficult to be on Pacific Standard Time once more. It is difficult to not have time specified for things other than work. It is difficult to begin writing support letters and create pledge cards. It is difficult to explain why being home is difficult.

50+ year old films are my cure for what ails.Well, that, and Syria.

"And all is relative, relative. Everything is relative, yes it is.

It's all about the way we receive it, how much we believe it, depending on the life you lead - if you lead it. Compare it to yourself, compare to someone else - you care. If you took the drugs in your closet, the cash in your wallet, the color of your skin in your blood and how you got it. Compare it to yourself, compare to someone else - you care." Relative, Gavin Degraw

See More

We had a rough night at the Dullanty home - sleep eludes. So this morning, driving to work, when I heard on the radio that this was happening, I very quickly dissolved into tears. Haven't we proven already that all war does is create a body count? Picking sides like this was a dodge ball game in primary school. It makes me physically ill that we never learn.

And you could argue that we're helping.

But who exactly are we helping? Because we certainly aren't helping the millions of Syrian refugees fleeing the country. We are not helping these children, these parents, these families. We are not helping anyone or anything but our own agenda. And it hurts. It hurts our image as a nation, it hurts our relationships with others, it hurts our world, and most importantly, it hurts these displaced people.

I don't know that I will ever understand why we are more concerned with patriotism than humanity.

... I wish I had a more positive note to end on. But my mind is preoccupied and my heart it heavy. So perhaps I will just leave you will the hope we all have.

"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city; also, on either side of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of nations.

No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and His servants will worship. They will see His face and His name will be on be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be our light and They will reign forever and ever." Revelation 22:1-5

Bonded

Three strings rolled together: Father, Son, Spirit.

Tied at the wrist, a blessing given to one another.

Culturally Thai, bonded in Christ

What a gift,

What a gift.

Marko finds the sweetest ways to affirm who I am. And I am grateful. Rory has a gift of making you laugh just when you're maddest at him. We are beautiful and I thank God for the bonds of our sweet family. "A threefold cord is not easily broken." Another strand can only strengthen what has been given to us.

And I am reminded, each day more and more, that our family is not only three. But millions and billions of brothers and sisters around the world. Connected not by our blood, but by our humanity. Our humanity.

Being back is difficult. But I have my darling family, of three and of the world. And I have these strings to remind me.

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember Your wonders."

Psalms 77:11

Speak to Me In The Light of The Dawn

I wish I had been better about blogging because at this point? There is just too much to tell.

I'm really not sure where to start.

"She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at days to come." Proverb 31:25

I don't know about that whole strength and dignity bit - but I can certainly laugh. These days? It's pretty much all I can do. Like today, today we spent a copious amount, probably too much, on going to Detroit to be commissioned. And it makes me physically ill. Do we absolutely have to be there, standing on stage when they call our names? ... not technically. So why pay? Because it's important. Because when we say we are in the process of becoming long term missionaries, we are serious. Because serving communion to the thousands of people there representing their churches means something. And we want to be a part of that something.

Yah, I drank the ECC koolaid. And I liked it.

Chicago grows on your soul like ivy on so many of the beautiful brick buildings here. Slowly, but intentionally, it creeps along the edges of your spirit until it is suddenly covering a rather alarming portion of your heart. And you realize, that while you were trying to rid yourself of the ivy, it has actually made the structure more beautiful than before. Yes. That is what Chicago is like.

For instance, Sunday. Sunday we went to a beautiful church that is renting their building from a different church (who has service on Saturday), and that church is genuinely multi-ethnic and multi-generational with a strong presence in the community. One of our mission classmates runs their "warming house" which provides a meal for the homeless community and a place for them to "warm" - the cleverness abounds. But there is no need for cleverness when the work is good. And the work is good. So good.

"LOVE IS ALLAH'S SIGNATURE ON THE WORLD"

- read the sign above the shop door on Devon. Beautiful. "Can I kiss your baby?" The muslim man asked Marko as Rory slept against his chest. Beautiful. What a beautiful gesture of God's signature on the world. You see, we had this afternoon where we were supposed to wander along Devon St. between California and Western - and while I understood the reasoning behind the task, I mostly just found myself burried in Islamic bookstores. The Arabic, the Urdu, the Pashto - scribble me in ecstasy! Oh, but to know even one. Someday I will conquer you, middle-eastern scripts of beauty.

I'm not going to lie, I fully expected to go to Chicago and hate it. Mark and I were going to spend two miserable weeks listening to people spout off dogmatic nonsense about how Christians are supposed to look. Heyyy, look at that, judgement comes from all kinds of corners (like me). It wasn't. I loved it. It was hard and Mark and I miscommunicated and there were tears and the days were so long and so many new places and two entire seminary courses over the course of two weeks and Rory has four teeth now instead of just two and grew another two freaking inches... but it was wonderful.

"Till I only dwell in thee."

I am covered in henna and my hair is wild. Bracelets of wooden beads adorn my wrists and there is matte on my lips. Oh the joy. My son sleeps long hours in my arms and my own eyes are heavy. The music that plays convicts and saves my soul so many times. There are things to be done around the house, bags to unpack, new books to find homes for. Maps line the walls and scripture lines my palm.

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unsustained from the world." James 1:27

Are you sure it's not to judge everyone I meet, James? Because I'm pretty sure it is... - don't worry, my sarcasm is lost on many a wandering soul. But seriously, this is a good Word. We met some truly amazing people these last two weeks, so many of whom embodied this scripture. I can't even begin to tell you about them all, but it was so wonderful to be with so many like-minded people. It is hard to find others with international hearts in this, our tiny corner of the world. And yet, the work begins here.

Oaxaca.

I will save exactly what it means for another blog post, but it is coming! And we are eager.

Penguins

"You have great handwriting."

"Yes, the nuns made sure of it."

These are the magical people I am working with. And I love them.

So, METE stand for Missionary Equipping and Training Event. There are 9 of us including Rory; all from different parts of the US, all going to different part of the world, all passionate for different areas of ministry. We have one girl who grew up as a mission kid and so she has a real heart for others "MKs" (missionary kids) and will be a dorm mom in Taiwan, a couple who fell in love with Thailand and will be doing "business as ministry" and probably some microfinancing there, another woman who has lived and breathed camp-life for over 10 years and will be taking all her talents to Thailand (though a different area), a young physical therapist who will be making the big move to China to work with Evergreen, and a couple who are fiercely passionate for mission work in general and currently serving in Ecuador (yayyy other Latin American cronies).

These first two days were primarily introductory. A lot of ice breakers and getting to know eachother, the staff within the ECC and Covenant World Mission, and the general overview of everything. There was even Geo-pardy (geography + jeopardy, don't worry, no one else got it either). Honestly? The game part was a little (very) cheesy, but the learning aspect was great. We got to travel around the building to various continents (conference rooms) where staff had set up pictures of the missionaries present in those continents by country and described the cultures and general overview of the work being done in each place. My team started in Asia and I immediately fell in love with the mats and the ridiculous shoe policies and fish farm ministries because our host was so in love with all of it. Then we moved to Africa and I decided immediately that I wanted - nay - needed a piece of fabric to tie Rory to myself  and use as a grocery sack and as a dress (also, agriculture and sustainable living within the CAR - my heart is still present there). From there, Europe - which I have already travelled, but we were able to Skype a couple in Belgium and I suddenly was passionate about Antwerp. Seriously, Antwerp. I'm not sure there was ever a place I cared less about, but today? I fell in love, because listening to someone else talk about their call moves me. And it should!

And then, oh and then!, just when I thought perhaps Marko and I had made the wrong choice, I went to Latin America. The amount of info I knew about everything happening within Central and South Americas, the potential, the fact that our picture was among the pictures of missionaries for Mexico - our picture, guys!!! We are faces of CWM and oh my sweet Lord it brought me joy!

And the blurry pictures of a happy baby abound.

We sat in Latin America and ate mango then sipped matte. Real, delicious, Argentine matte. Needless to say, I emailed my darling Jesús last night and told him I miss him (that would be my roommate from Peru, in case you're curious as to when I had the opportunity to sit down and share tea with our Lord and savior). Oh, Latin America, how in love with you I am! I had almost forgotten.

Everything is being set up so we can fundraise when we return home - so if you'd like to help us flee the country, please let me know - but honestly? The money is just money. What means more is the support and love we are so blessedly receiving all the time from everyone.

This is pretty representative of our night. See my foot? Rory decided around 6am that this is where he needed to sleep. So I have had the great privilege of blogging all morning because I was sitting upright when he placed himself there.

It's not hot so much as a sauna. Everything sticks to everything else and I am tired an heavy. I don't think it would be so bad except that Rory is the sweatiest, stickiest, hottest little one I have ever encountered. So he raises the temperature another several degrees. Currently, he is sleep-drunkenly rolling around between Mark and I on the bed, chatting to himself and headbutting us as he tries to sit up and fails. Just when you think you're going to disown your child for waking you at 6am and not being old enough to turn on the coffee, they do something precious like lie on your stomach calling you "mama" over and over again. The cuteness overwhelms.

And then?

Poopy diaper.

Sneaky.

Hit It

This is Rory the week before we left for Chicago, naked as he is allowed while over carpet and vastly happy slapping the window and trying to eat it.

Now? Now we are in Chicago. Mark is sleeping by my feet and Roranicus Rex is snuggled into my side - the jet lag is definitely lagging us.

We are in the Windy City for METE. What is METE? I don't actually remember. Essentially, it's missionary training. For 14 booked solid days we will be trained in the fabulous art of ECC missionary-ing. I will let you know a little bit more about what that means once I know...

Our travel to Ludlam Ave was a lot simpler than I had imagined (see: panicked excessively about). Rory had zero trouble on the flight and while he didn't get a nap (too much to see), he was such a pleasant little boy and everyone on the plane enjoyed his between the seat peek-a-boo and giggles. We lucked out with a social child. All of our bags were carry on, so being picked up from the airport was easy peasy and our very kind chauffeur, Curt made sure he already had a carseat all ready to go and we dropped him at his house and then drove ourselves to our newfound home for two blessed weeks (aka: the home of the generous Husby's).

We were so exhausted on night one that we fell asleep early and got most (but not all) of the jet lag out of our system. Day two began with a member-care interview and lots of plastic dinosaurs for Roranicus Rex. He felt quite at home. Rory will be the only kiddo at this conference, so he gets to just tag along any and everywhere we go! I'm praying for good behavior and premium naps, but we will see. Our care interview went well, Mark was his sassy self and I tried my best to deflect questions about myself and play with Rory. We have discussed how much I hate talking about me, yes?

But hey, "We're on a mission from God."

I have only seen two Starbucks establishments (sacrilege) and no other coffee stands... ergo, I'm not sure how I feel about this city all-in-all. Except, of course, the over abundance of Blues Brothers references (see above quote), that I quite enjoy. There is a Chicago version of a Whole Foods exactly one block away, so that is nice and we have gathered many snacks for the mini monster. The weather is: hot, muggy, sometimes pouring down rain, sometimes thunder and lightning, generally heavy. I don't really understand it, but I like the heat part.

This morning we met with the head of the missions department, Lana, which was great because we have been emailing back and forth for a year and its always good to put faces to people. We went over our (hypothetical) budget and made adjustments as we needed them, it will continue to be a process, but we felt a lot more comfortable with the numbers once every penny had been accounted for. Yay monies? Or something...

I have been reading Barefoot Church by Brandon Hatmaker and it has been amazing. He and his wife are phenomenal authors and really stretch me in ways I need to be stretched. Brandon talks a lot about the flaws with our churches today and why people are leaving in ever greater numbers, but also how he and ANC (Austin New Church) have sought to repair the image of the church within his community by living out Jesus' commandment to love ones neighbor as themselves. It is a heartfelt challenge to not only churches, but individuals. To carry the banner of Christ and truly exemplify love and kindness.

I apologize if this is getting spotty - I am typing it on my phone while being head butted by my freshly awake 9 month old dinosaur of a son.

Tonight will be the first true day (evening) of METE and we will meet the other new short termers and get the low down on why we are missing two weeks of work. I am excited. It has been really nice to be in the home of such loving people who used to be missionaries and meet everyone we've been in contact with for so long. It has also been nice to kind of just get my traveling heart back out there on my sleeve.

"It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."

"Hit it."

General

This blog

Sometimes things break your heart to build you up.

I am in the middle of writing our itinerary so I can staple it to Mark's jacket. We are leaving for Chicago for 16 days. 16 days of driving someone else's car, with Rory in someone else's car seat, sleeping in someone else's bed in someone else's house using someone else's kitchen... yikes. We are going to Chicago for "missionary training." I don't really know what that means, but apparently it's important in this process.

I wholeheartedly believe in the "drop your nets and follow me" version of mission work. But that isn't really the way things work anymore. Your heart isn't enough - the rest of you needs to be poked, prodded, and over analyzed in order to follow the Great Commission. Physicals, insurance, evaluations, "training" ... don't get me wrong, I understand the world we live in, I just wish we didn't - live this way, I mean. Always angling to get ahead so the church needs to protect against the very people it should be taking in. Deep sighs for days.

It isn't the fault of the ECC that we have all these hoops to jump through, it's just the reality of our broken world. We don't trust people because they've proven untrustworthy and we can't let just anyone represent us because sometimes they do it poorly. I mean, just think of the stigma being a Christian has. Anyone? Anyone? The second I use the word people shut down and shut off. The assumption is that I'm a judgmental bigot who believes my worth is superior to theirs due to my belief in God. And, to be perfectly honest? That is the same conclusion I jump to; as if I am some super breed of open-minded Christ follower that is above petty church hierarchy (which, I am, of course).

The truth is, I am just as judgmental toward the Westboro Baptists of the world as they are toward... well, everyone else. And you can make the argument that "they deserve it," but let's be fair, I don't get to make that call whether they "deserve it" or not. My job as a Christian is to love everyone and speak the truth in love. That means when someone makes a small minded belittlement on a friend that I'd like to berate them for or makes a comment on how I'm not "churchy enough" to effect my "churchiness," I'm supposed to love 'em like Jesus - yah, I pray a lot. I tend to embrace the coke-addicts and poor decision makers while soapboxing the gluttonous contented suburbanites. When Jesus said love everyone - did he actually mean everyone?

Probably.

I'm getting off topic though. The point is: sometimes you jump through hoops. Other times? You set that hoop on fire and demand the ringmaster jump through his own damn hoop. Paperwork and missionary training? Are not flaming hoops. At least, not for me. Marko would burn each and every hoop then make the culprit snort the ashes, but that's why he married me.

Psalm 118 was all over everything today and it resonated.

"Oh! give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever!" 118:1

I am ready for Mexico, but I don't know what it looks like. Being a missionary can sometimes be an excuse to live somewhere exotic on someone else's dime. I don't want that. Marko and I have thought extensively about going to do mission work abroad on our own, but we felt called to the ECC mission program. And we haven't agreed with every step, but it is important enough of a call to work through those issues (none of which were horrible cover-ups or scandals or anything).

Sometime people will ask why we don't just do mission work in Maple Valley or Hobart or close to home, don't those people need missionaries? The simple answer is yes. But Mark and I aren't those missionaries. There are churches on every block in our small suburbia and some of those people might be called to this area, but while we love our church and being involved in our community? This is not the place we are called to. And that is okay.

"I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation." 118:13-14

For a long time, I was told that I was only as "good" as I looked/sounded, and if I was ever struggling? I was to abide by the "fake it till you make it" rule. It makes me angry that such nonsense is permitted to be pushed onto the children of this area. But I have come to better understand that a "good" person rarely looks or sounds "good." Nice clothes and kept house might make your outside pretty, but it doesn't clean up what's under the surface. Using all the right "Christian language" might make you sound righteous, but it doesn't mean you know God. If you "fake it" ? You might come out of that, but you might just learn to have a surface level calm/love/hope/joy instead of one that penetrates.

"The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone. This is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." 118:22-24

This is Emily.

Cute, right?

You can read more about her here. She was all ready and set to be adopted when her mama-to-be found out she has breast cancer - which means Emily's would-be-family cannot adopt her due to China's adoption laws. How heart breaking to believe you are going home, where people want you, only to have those dreams crushed. And how heart breaking to know that this sweet girl you called your own, would never be that. So, Emily needs a home again - maybe it's with you?

Post Script

Blogging twice a week? Ha. Ha. Ha. Pretty sure I owe like 8 blogs...

But, the reason I have blogged less is that I have spent less time on the interwebs - which is good, I think. Well, and the Dullanty tribe has been busy painting our war paint and preparing for battle! Are you ready?

We leave for a two week trip to Chicago on the 27th of this month. Pray for us. Seriously. You've seen the Jurassic Park films, right? Dinosaurs in a closed space - not the brightest idea ever concocted. And yet, we are still attempting this feat by putting Roranicus Rex onto an airplane. And then we will be occupying the guest room of a stranger's home and toting our 9 month old around to missionary training... yah, nothing could go wrong in this scenario. Not.

Ergo, anxiety ad nauseum. No paychecks for two weeks, no space of our own to corral the destroyer, no kitchen for homemade baby food, no hammock, no 500sq ft apartment... deep breath. As I've said, Mark and I live (comfortably) below the poverty line and we make two part time jobs work so we can spend more time with baby and one another - two weeks off is basically financial suicide. Hello, trust in God, I've missed you.

Mark always says worrying isn't my strong suit and it's true. When I worry? It's like an Olympic sport where you just buckle down and make it to the end - even if it kills you. I do better when I'm happy, in the sunshine, laid back, traveling... or in crisis mode. General anxiety does not work on me; the colors are wrong, it drapes in funny places, it whelms.

But missionary training!

I am so excited to be commissioned and begin fundraising. SO EXCITED. Mostly because I feel like we are finally fulfilling our call - I cannot wait to be in the midst of the sunshine and Spanish. Cannotwait.

Our Lost Boy

Do you ever have one of those days where you just seem to be able to accomplish everything you set out to? Me neither. But today I came pretty close. There are still a couple dishes and the floors need mopping, I need to finish the Mother's Day gifts for Sunday and not all the compost is in the new bin, there are clothes to sew and garbage to take out... but those things can all wait until the adorable little bear cudded in my arms wakes. Because this? This is what it's all about.

Sleepy boy

Mark and I are moving towards our nonprocessed lives with our bee hive and hand tools, plans for homemade soap and a hand mill for wheat, sewing machine and natural dyes.

Life is sometimes slow and steady, but sometimes fast and full of rapids. This river moves and it is beautiful. Full of sleepless nights with a teething little boy and warm sun filled days of eating grass and other things. And I am blessed, so blessed.

The Least of These

I have Syria on the mind. Look at these kids!

 

Look at their smiles, their laughter, their joy. Look at their hope. They are 6 out of 1.16 million refugees displaced from Syria, 1.16 million. And my chest has been pierced with guilt over them. Welled up in me is a pain that won't quit. I am broken over these children and their hope - what am I doing?

The truth is, I get lost in the things I think I should be doing. How organized is my house? Budgeting, grocery lists, new toys for baby, washing machines, dishes, internet speeds - wait. I get so distracted, so caught up in what is my life. I get all discombobulated over

"I think it must be really difficult to live in such crisis." Yes. But what faith. What remarkable love it instills in people, what remarkable action.

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. 1 John 3:1-2

Want to know what else I have on my mind?

This kiddo. Precious, right? His name is Matthew and he is a 13 year old boy with absence of skull and dyskinesia of right limbs - but that doesn't effect his life much and he can still run and play like other boys his age.
In some countries you can "age out" of adoption, for Matthew? That happens in September (you can read more about him here, here, or here). I think that until I can adopt a sweet child, I should be an advocate for them. Because this handsome young man deserves a home and a family. Just look at that grin. Seriously, did you look? Maybe Matthew is your little boy and you didn't realize until right now. Maybe...


Father of the fatherless and protector of widows
    is God in his holy habitation.
God settles the solitary in a home;
    he leads out the prisoners to prosperity
Psalm 58:5-6

All these darling children, all this need. I am so guilty of forgetting to care for "the least of these." Not because my problems or life are worth less than those of these - but because my problems and life are equally worth those of each of the kids photographed here and all over this world of ours. Because I know pain, I should reach out to help another in need. Because I've suffered, I should extend my love to someone I've never met somewhere I've never been.

This is the kingdom come.

Quarter

My husband turned a whopping 25 years old this past Autumn and (due to the fact that he insists he is 2 years older than I am) I have mocked him mercilessly. He's halfway to 50! A quarter of a century! A quarter of a century...

I turn 24 today (putting him squarely at 1 1/2 years older) and then my own quarter of a century mark will be closing in. Mark has this "30 before 30" list that he keeps and while I have a Dust List, being married and a new mom often lend to forgetting ones dreams. So, I decided I would take a page from my darling husband's book and give myself a deadline. 25 things to accomplish before I reach 25.

A Quarter List

1 Get tattoo for Rory: "We have this hope as heleuma for the soul" Hebrews 6:19 I'm thinking an anchor, which is so cliche but it's what his name means and I like anchors. Sue me. I would like it to be a "water color" tattoo with splashes of blue, but the where is still totally up in the air. No idea. I would like to have a tattoo for each baby (all 12 of them) so size and equality are things that matter...

2 Finish first draft of novel: For the love of continuity, I just want to finish one blessed thing! I started, I love it, I just-have-to-freaking-finish. I feel a year is an adequate time table, if not very realistic.

3 Have a location and departure date: This is somewhat dependent on sources outside of myself so - we'll see. But our location seems fairly secure already and hopefully that means we will just need the fundraising in order to leave - finally.

4 Build furniture rather than purchasing it: We currently have in our possession: a beautiful sofa, a neat little bedside table, a coat rack, two chalk boards, a shelving unit for our laptop/tele situation anddd a very fun pegboard set up for Roranicus Rex, Destroyer of Worlds. We are in the process of building a bathroom cabinet, chopping block, and a bench for the backside of our couch (whatcha gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk? ... Black Eyed Peas, anyone?).

5 Stick to a budget: I almost want to laugh at this because Marko and I are constantly coming up with new projects that "absolutely cannot wait!" But if we put money in our budget for that - would it not be possible? Maybe, maybe... Our attempts at a grocery budget, savings, insurance, healthcare are really kind of laughable so I'm hoping we can step up our game and really penny pinch.

6 Size 4 jeans* : See asterisk. I would like very much to fit into the jeans I wore as a high schooler. I'm not super concerned with weight, primarily because I don't have a scale, but also because I know very well that weight does not always equal fat. But jean sizes? Those don't lie... there should be another asterisk that allows for the fact that most jeans sizes fluctuate. A lot. But I would like to average into a size four. I'm sitting (happily, as I am only 8 months out from having created a small life) in the jeans I wore before I was pregnant at the moment and that is okay, but a whole year from now? I'd like to be kicking ass and taking names in the jean department.

7 Sew clothes rather than purchasing them: I said it. I have this beautiful brand-new sewing machine that needs to be worth it's weight in something, why not clothing? I think I'm going to give a little grace here and say that if I find a keeper at Goodwill or Main Street Thrift, I can keep it. But I would primarily like to alter and fit clothing on my own. My wedding dress finally came out of the closet this week and I am going to dye it and chop it up, probably this weekend, so I can have a pretty fancy dress... :]

8  Continue to grow hair out: Speaking of inconsistency... I have this problem where I go back and forth from wanting my hair to be long and flowy and embracing my Hawaiian roots TO wanting short spunky Peter Pan hair that rocks people's socks off. But I've decided that I would like long hair, I want to hold true more to who I am rather than relying on product. I realize I'm a hippie.

9 Blog twice a week: Insert laugh track... I would like to blog more consistently. I think if I set a goal for myself, that might be more of a reality? Maybe? Possibly? Chastise at will...

10 Draw one sketch a day: I think I'm going to broaden this to be "do art once a day," but the sentiment remains. I used to do a lot of art. I now do a lot of running after a rapidly growing child. So whether it's finger painting with Rory or a full on oil pastel day while Marko entertains the Destroyer, I need to be doing art. It's freeing and all mine.

11 Learn to play the guitar - Hawaiian songs: I'm not expecting to be a miraculous, but I would like to be on my way to learning some songs. I've had a lot of people die on me, most of them unexpectedly and most of the young, some of them slowly and some of them old, all of them heart wrenching. But having a baby puts sharply into perspective the mortality of my own parents (sorry guys). I believe death crosses my mind a healthy amount, but I would rather focus on living, you know? But it has recently come to my attention that once my dad dies? There will be no one left alive to play guitar and sing in Hawaiian. No one. This must be altered. Which leads me to...

12 Get my dad to finally record a CD of my favorite songs: I am Daddy's Little Girl. It's yet another one of the great cliches that encompass me. And my favorite thing is to be in my parents living room and sing along with my dad as he plays my favorite songs; Hawaiian, lullaby, worship, whatever! And it's even better with Rory sitting and listening too. And I will get my father to actually, finally, freaking record an album for me.

13 Workout five times a week: Initially I wrote "run three times a week," but Mark and I only have one car and it is way easier for me to stay home in the afternoons with Rory than drive Marko to work, go for a run, drive home and then have to go pick Mark up. It might not seem like a hassle, but keep in mind that Rory isn't particularly fond of his carseat. So, running from home is a thing, but it's a little harder because of where we live so I allowed for yoga, swimming, weight lifting, at home work outs, and the fact that I have an 8 month old so sometimes five workouts is unrealistic.

14 Dos niños* : Asterisk! Size four jeans sound lovely. What sounds more lovely? Putting my body through the blatant abuse of having another tatertot! Having a second kiddo is definitely a priority for Mark and I, but a couple of things need to happen before we really consider it: Rory turning one, paying off the little bit of debt we have left now that Emily (our car) is officially ours, and an ETD (estimated time of departure) for missions. There are probably other things we should concern ourselves with but meh.

15 No processed foods: Hippies for days! Or is it daze? Hmmm... anyway. Mark and I are really good about making all our own bread, meals from scratch, etc. But it would be great if we could get completely away from processed foods. Yah... that's a phase by phase thing.

16 Harvest our own honey: We get bees in one week! Bees, bees, bees! They shall buzz and Mark shall love them (probably too much for his own good) and hopefully we will be able to harvest a little honey in August.

17 Plan for Nallim's quinciñera: We have a little time before Nallim turns 15, but if we don't make a plan to get there, it won't happen. So I would like a fully thought up plan of attack for getting to Mexicali in April of 2015 and a piggy bank to fund it.

18 Take Marko skinny dipping: He's never been. He is 25 years old and has never been skinny dipping. This needs to be altered.

19 Second income: I don't really know what this looks like yet - whether it is Farmers Markets, writing, a second job or something I haven't even thought of. But I would love a second income to just tuck away circus money (We Bought A Zoo reference, anyone?).

20 Quality tools: Marko loves wood working. Let's be honest, I love wood working. But I hate power tools. Mark and I have decided that we are going to work toward having a full tool box with hand tools that will last: draw planes, hand drills, clamps, screwdrivers, saws and more. But we want quality tools so we have to wait patiently in order to afford them. You think we're crazy, and we probably are, but I've already said we're hippies!

21 Footprint: No processed foods, harvesting our own honey, building our own furniture - we would like to reduce our footprint. Compost and recycle more, use less paper, maybe get a bidet.. I would love for our family to be off the grid, but at this moment? That is unrealistic. So just reducing our footprint any way we can over the next year and consciously being aware of our impact on the world around us.

22 Homeschooling: Set up a curriculum for homeschooling Rory. I know you're probably thinking - homeschooled kids are weird! Which is true a majority of the time, but as a product of public school and with both my parents being public school teachers? I am just too knowledgable on how often (see: rarely) good teachers come along, how there are too many kiddos in classrooms, how curriculum and testing is not set up to accommodate students but rather to just push them idly through a flawed system with the least amount of creativity possible... I could go on. I would like to at least have started compiling materials for preschool Roranicus.

23 Time for technology: How often do I pull out my phone to check the time, get on my Facebook, post on Instagram, Pinterest (the later being by far superior to the former two)? The answer is: too often.  I have a rapidly growing little boy who I am afraid will feel less important than my cellular device because of my devoted attachment to Google. So I think I would like to limit my phone use. If there is nothing else I could be doing (i.e.: chores, blogging, engaging in conversation, playing with my son, sitting quietly alone with my thoughts), then I can play on Pinterest. And only then.

24 Dye my own clothes: I could put this under sewing my own clothes... but I'm running out of ideas. I watched this video on doing natural dyes and it seems really cool! So I would really like to experiment with the over this next year - starting with my wedding dress. I'm thinking reddish/orangish. I'll post pictures with the various plant life I decide to use.

25. One year album: Rory will be one in August and I would like to assemble a one year album for him... it's pretty self explanatory.

And that is my list of 25 things. I'm excited.

With Jazz

I considered titling this post "I'm Not Alright," but after the outstanding reaction to my last post, I decided no. While I am thankful, flattered, and very pleased to have so many of you wonderful people in my corner at the end of the day - my last post was not meant to be a gasp at friendship ties. I maybe should have spent more time on wording...

I was raised in a nice big church with a nice big community of nice big Christians. I say "big" not because they were physically oppressive (although spiritually oppressive might be true...), but because their "Christianity" defined them. This meant that everything looked very pretty. Nice clothes, nice cars, nice houses, nicely put together families that were often really suffering beneath that gilded cover of "nice." Being defined by your Christianity is a big difference from being defined by Christ.

And I struggle with it too.

It would be really easy to tell you that I'm all laid back and okay with showcasing who I really am, but the truth is a little more complicated than that. In English, we often ask "How are you?" and we aren't really interested. It's like a greeting in American culture. You do not ask how someone is in: Mexico, Peru, Bolivia, Chile, Ecuador, Brazil, France, Italy, Tunisia, Spain, or even really in England - it's not polite. And unless you know someone well enough to be informed of the intimate details of their life, it isn't really all the polite to ask someone how they are. But we do it anyway.

And we don't care. Not enough. We don't want to know about the affair or the struggle with self worth or the alcohol addiction - at least, not from the source. It's much easier to gossip and speculate than to empathize, sympathize, live the pain alongside the one experiencing it. And the church is the absolute worst at this. We get all dressed up in our "Sunday Best" and smile for posterity if nothing else, but what about the rest of the week?

What about when our marriages are suffering because of lack of time, communication, honesty? What about when we wonder if we were really cut out to be a parent because our baby doesn't sleep through the night, isn't potty trained, throws tantrums that make us want to assume the fetal position? What about when our friendships dissipate due to distance, time, stress? What about when our in-laws drive us crazy? What about when we struggle with depression, inadequacy, heartbreak, grief, mood swings? Do we have to be "okay" all the time?

I sincerely hope not.

Thank you. Thank you for all your love, dear dear friends. But I just need to be honest about where I am at. And last week and the week before? I was a hot mess of tears and self doubt - but that needs to be okay. The second we sweep our dirt under the carpet rather than letting it be seen? That is the moment it starts to accumulate. And sometimes, we don't realize it until it has buried us.

Am I a crazy person? Probably. But I'm fairly certain people would like me less if I wasn't.

The Anything Prayer

Sometimes? Sometimes it is all I can do to keep from breaking down into a million little pieces. And sometimes, I fail. Miserably. For instance, this week. This week I have been one breakdown failure after the next. And it's easy to look for external reasons why. I can list off one hundred and one reasons I've been a hot mess, none of which have anything to do with me and all of which are valid.

Let's begin.

For the last three weeks, our tiny 500ft flat is currently housing an extra sofa, random wood working projects, two sinks and countertops full of dishes. Our work schedules? Crazy. Rory has come to work with me more than once or twice in the last two weeks. Easter, a Capital Campaign, and various other church shenanigans for myself PLUS a doctors appointment (4 shots), two top teeth, upset schedules due to a busy mama and mastering the art of "cruising" for Rory PLUS bunches of signs, local events, bees, and aforementioned wood working projects for Marko (I would explain his business better if I understood it...). The floors need mopping, the bathroom needs bleaching, the laundry needs doing, and our bed could use a serious shake out.

Needless to say, I am exhausted. Each day has begun too early with too many wake ups in the night and too much screaming creating too short tempers. There is not enough time and not enough coffee and not enough happy noises. There is not enough Bible or writing or journaling or running or anything that resembles rejuvenation. There is not enough sex, not enough room, not enough sleep, not enough communication, not enough self-love. There just isn't enough. Of anything.

There is, however, a lot of prayer. Perhaps not enough, but a lot.

You don't need to be a parent or a spouse or (honestly) even to believe in God to know the "anything" prayer. You just need to be human and know stress. Odds are, you've said this prayer. Regardless of your beliefs, regardless of your temperament, you've spoken these words aloud or in the quiet recesses of your mind. It goes something like this:

"God - I can't - I just - please - anything." 

I probably make this exact plea one hundred times before the end of a day. Eyes closed, tears streaming down my face, bottom lip turned down just like the 4 year old I am at heart, I whisper these words. Out loud, to myself, in the car, while Rory is screaming, when I'm frustrated with Marko, as I am trying desperately to not be upset about one more damned thing. Because more than being exhausted by all of those very reasonable outer variable, I am exhausting myself.

BULLET ONE: Being a doormat. "Oh sure, I'll do those eight more things." My workload is something fierce. And all I want is to do everything that people need. It isn't just a work thing though, it's a life thing. And I need to learn to take a step back and say "Hey, I just can't right now." Those words are my unattainable goal. But, I'm... trying?

BULLET TWO: Friends. I'm no good at having friends. I put in these huge efforts and very often get nothing in return - or walked all over. It's pleasant. So, my knee-jerk reaction is to withdraw entirely. And making friends? Oh buddy, if you don't initiate? Probably never gonna happen. I'm socially inept and awkward. And not in a "Hey, she's awkward and that's cute" kind of way - purely in a "Why isn't she talking - what's wrong with that girl?" kind of way. I hide behind my cute baby. Literally. Also, no one gets my sense of humor with the exception of Mark, which is why I married him.

BULLET THREE: My self esteem. Or lack thereof. Which seems to be the norm as of late. I can't even look at a picture of an actress I deem attractive without my own self worth plummeting into the ground at full speed, God forbid an actual film. And if Mark finds them attractive? I may as well curl up into the fetal position preemptively. Which is honestly, really unfair to Mark. One, he has to deal with my neurotic mess of self and two, he feels bad for objectively commenting on the very true fact that Jessica Biel is pretty.

So I pray a lot. A lot a lot. And I ask for anything. Anything at all that will get me through this absolute horrible awful wreck of an emotional state that I am in. And today. Today is Easter. A day for new beginnings. So I think I'll start here. And by this time next week, I will probably have said the "anything prayer" one million times over and had about as many new beginnings. But if the new beginnings don't start with me, they won't start at all.

This Week

“The philosophers [and theologians] have only interpreted the world, in various ways;

the point is to change it.” Marx

^That^

And this...

Hahahahahahafunny.

Just purchased this beauty for something like dirt cheap on hsn.

 And with it? I shall do so many things! Like sew the cushions for the couch we're building, start making my own clothes again (+Mark & Rory's), crafts, cloth diaper covers, anddd...

 ... create this beautiful little swing! Or one like it... I already have all the materials and everything.

(click the photo to find out how you can build yours)

Mostly, I'm excited about my sewing machine this week. Oh! And we paid off Emily (our car) with our tax return, so she is officially ours! We gave her a ceremonial cleaning - which was honestly wayyy overdue - and got Rory a new cars seat to christen the whole ordeal (he's too tall for the baby one now *tears*).

Other than that? Rory's been sick all week so I've had less than enough sleep and had a pretty fussy little boy on my hands - plus side though? He only wants to sleep in my arms so I get a lot of blogging done!